December 2, 2011

Pages of my Life

Posted by Freelancer at 9:55 AM

Everyone confesses. Why not me?

Though my confessions won't be sad...

Hmm, where do I start?? When you are a guy, you realize bloody hell, you have lied a lot!! And specially when you are a guy like me, embarrassing moments can overwhelm your achievements [whatever they might be]

Its a list, I stopped counting long back. So I will just jot down the stuff i remember.

Judge me later.

The past FL

* I stole from Dad.

Yeah, beginning with a simple one. Though i guess, not many people do that. Add mom also. Swiped a couple of hundreds of bucks. Sometimes to pay for the collection of lay's tazo's that my friend sold me. The only one i vividly remember was buying an Eagles music cd for one of my good friends' on his birthday. I was 13. The reason I remember that is well, i got caught. And then slapped.

*Got caught watching porn by dad. TWICE!


Brr..This is maybe the only thing that I will never forget with the passing of time. Dad caught me watching porn. Once at a cafe, second at home. Bloody frigging twice. Class 12 - Boards preparation. I was horny [weren't you at that age?] Okay so bottom line is, dad dropped me at a cafe so that i could fill up some imaginary application forms I made up. In the heat of big bosomed milfs, I forgot as time passed by. One hour later, Dad made his entrance. Karma, as usual was being a bitch, the screen froze. I looked at Dad. He looked at me. And as I felt his gaze upon me, I could also feel the sharp, cold imprints of his fingers as my face exploded. In one second, all horniness fled and I started thinking of ways to survive the ride home.

*beat a boy till I broke his nose and wrist


Aaaah the satisfaction I felt!! I am a non-violent guy. Most of the time. For a Leo, am pretty much the coolest one. I have 0 patience but 100 percent tolerance. That unlucky chap, decided to try the patience of a LEO. He stalked my sister. My kid sister. Everyday from school. He even spread the word around the locality that my lil' sis was his betrothed. Now that was not a nice way to anger an elder brother. Wham! His face - my Fist - his scars. It felt good. He changed orbits after that mutual understanding. ho ho ho.

*fell from an elephant


Not a very nice way to fall specially when you are trying to show off to a gaon-ki-chori. I was 14 when this happened. Went to village to attend a wedding. The bridegroom was supposed to go in a haathi and I was field-testing the jumbo. So when my childhood friend made an appearance, I decided to surprise her. How naive I was. I climbed up the elephant and then the elephant surprised me. THUD! No broken bones thankfully but my parents stopped me from going with the baraat.

*made love in the bathroom


Bedroom - done. Floor - done. someone else's room - done. Bathroom - done. Okay so all that remains are roof, swimming pool, beach, terrace, car, lift and stairs. My My! Long way to go.

But hey, a beginning is a beginning. Point of Advice - Do NOT try this if its not a big bathroom. The cramps may kill you if not the other person. That reminds me, yet to do it on a bath tub. [If anyone of you, ahem ahem, tell me is it worth it?]

*did a runner from a 5 star restaurant


Me and my fucked-up-beyond-hell friends. The idea was to eat at a 5-star for once. Some crazy ass came up with the plan of running without paying. Before we knew it, it was 8000 plus another 1000 in taxes. And then, like ninjas, we ran. Through the kitchens, through the kitchen food elevators, down the basement, over the back wall...we ran and ran until not even dogs thought they could race us. My dad would probably kill me if he heard all these..but once in a while, the madness in me likes to come to life.

*stopped traffic by dancing at the traffic police point

It was the time when Kaho Naa Pyaar Hai was released. Though I hated Hrithik Roshan (and still do), i danced Ek Pal Ka Jeena for full 30 seconds at the traffic point before the hapless paan-chewing traffic police realized that his responsibility had gone to hell. Why I did what i did?? One certain moron-best friend of mine challenged me for a 100 bucks. And i needed the cash to buy the latest pirated max payne game that was released. Now that i realize, i do not seem to recall hearing any claps or cheers. Damn people! They want entertainment only when they are free!

*been to a lock-up

This is neither funny nor sad. It just happened on a very very bad day. I bunked tuition...to chat with a certain chick from Denmark that I met in a Yahoo chat room! Sigh! That day, she dumped me. As a chat buddy. As i crawled back to real life, my friend returned from tuition and together we started for home. As always, we sat on the flyover, watching cars zip by... Without noticing the nearly empty flyover [which was a rarity as couples always used to sit there to talk, touch and kiss], we sat there in our own thoughts. 5 minutes later, at gunpoint, we were whisked away. I admit at that time, i contemplated jumping from the jeep, but the thought of my girlfriend (now ex) crying over my bullet ridden body was too painful to imagine.

It was curfew time and we were unknowing outlaws and Assam police really don't like Robin Hoods. By 10 pm, a few more Robin Hoods joined our ranks and thankfully they had the elusive mobiles. Called our parents, who were on the stroke of passing out in anxiety over two lost boys, finally came to pick us up.

*Me and a dog - sealed with a kiss

3 years ago, I decided to drink. After 21 years of being sober, I was ready to jump into a man's world. What followed was a night of blanks that my mind still refuses to fill. 11 videos of me made their way to youtube that night. Of the 11, only 1 still remain. Somehow I can't get rid of it. Thankfully, the video of me kissing the neighbor's dog is not there. My roomie says I frenched the dog. I beg to differ. I might have kissed his nose.

Anyway, the dog stopped coming to our place from the next day.

*was hit on by a guy/gay
This happened last Wednesday. I was, as usual, minding my own business. Browsing through books at a Landmark store and this guy comes up to me. He says "have you done any modeling??" [Oh stop laughing, you lot!] After a few seconds after determining that he was actually talking to me i casually replied no. And he was like "you look like a model. Do you work out?" Again pause. "I used to work out. Not anymore", I replied. He grabbed my arm and felt my biceps and I was just staring at him. Hell, i thought that was how talent agencies find clients. He told me to continue shopping but asked me drop a word before i left.

15 minutes later as i was about to leave the store, out of courtesy, i walked up to him and bade him bye. He stopped me and told me to jot down his number incase i changed my mind about modeling. As i sat next to him and started to save his number, his hands started the awkward exploring of my chest and hands. He held my hand loosely and his fingers moved to where it shouldn't have. That was a sacred place meant only for girls and my hand! I got up, didn't turn back and walked as my inner self almost died of a seizure.

Great! Now even gays fall for me. I guess that long hair and tight tees and the skinny jeans i wore was too irresistible. *sigh*

Present


*go to multiplex's and watch movies alone

I love attention. I love being loved. I hate being alone. But most of the time, you will find me alone in the company of none. I go out and watch movies alone, laugh like a maniac in the movie hall much to the bewilderment of the people around me. I go out in the mornings, with only my playlist as company. I stare at the night sky for hours without a single thought passing through my brain. It looks like a blank screensaver sometimes. I astonish myself that i can be at so peace with myself alone when i crave for attention every other minute.

*cry every single time I watch Kal ho Na Ho


I am a die hard SRK fan. ANd i cry, every single time I watch Kal Ho Naa Ho. Well, its not actually a big deal since i cried watching Tangled too. IF i was a movie character, i would be Raj Malhotra of DDLJ and if i was a TV character, i would by default be Ross Gellar

*vehemently believe that if you press a girl's boobs, they enlarge with time

Well, nobody disproved it yet. So the notion stays. You girls with boyfriends would know better :P I don't want to point you out :P


Until then, its FL signing off


26 comments:

Keirthana on December 2, 2011 at 10:37 AM said...

Hey FL, Nicely done and honestly I loved your confession the most since it is the only one that made me laugh..

Runner at a 5 star hotel, Dance at Traffic joint- Really? Man, how do you people do such wild things. I always want to have that attitude but I know attitude has to come on its own. Hmph! you are lucky to have been through all this :P It makes the mundane human life interesting na?

Paanipuri Lover on December 2, 2011 at 10:48 AM said...

You men! You have all the fun in the world, don't you?
I laughed like a maniac at nearly all the points! You were caught by your Dad, twice?! :O
And, you made love in a a bathroom? Super! :P :P
And, about those videos, upload them on youtube man! :P
Runner from a 5 star and traffic police waale points were the highlights!

And, even I watch movies alone, many times! Happens! *sigh*

Sahi post hai, Boss! :P :D

meoww on December 2, 2011 at 11:36 AM said...

bwahahahahhahahahahahhahhaaaaaaaa

I FELL DOWN FROM THE BED WHEN I LOST MY BALANCE OUTTA LAUGHING MY ARSE OFFF..!!!!!!!!

you my bwaayyy YOUUUUU !!!
ain't you something now..!!

poor you..
would have had the daylights whacked out of you by your dearest father..:D:D:D

awwwwww....good responsible elder brother..
damn i wish i had an elder to fight the villains for me..
sighhhhh

you FELL from an elephant???!!!
OUCHHHH

ahem..bathroom..errmmm..yess...lack of space...
pretty uncomfortable..errmm i agree..i mean..
okk blah :D

hahahhaa...only guys canhave the audacity of doing a scoooooot from a restaurant like that :P

ailaaa...u danced and stopped traffic...sahiii
i shud have been there..
would have thrown some coins...LOLLLL :p:p:p

lock-up...hmmmmmm...pretty eventful life i must say...:P


ewwwwwwwwww...you frenchied a daaaaaaawwwwwwwwgg????
*shudders* :P

YUSSSSSSSSS...now you know how we girls feel when we get molested..
*hmmmph*
*folds arms*
muhahahahaahahaa

i have never watched a movie alone...though i would absolutely not mind doing something like that..^_^

even i cry buckets when i watch KHNH...
*sniff*
we shud watch it together..
we would be tissue companions...
*blows nose*
gahahahahahaa

ahem..*clears throat*
a girl's boobs get enlarged on pressing..
ahem..
well...no comments :P

ohhhh and the picccccccc
such a cute nottie paunched waala satan..!!!
awwiiieeee..cooochie cooochie...


damnn..why do bwaaaayssssss always have the fun..???!!
damn damn damn
*shakes head*

OK I SHALL STOP..!!!
heehe....superbbbb post FL..!!

cheers !!!!

kalpak n. on December 2, 2011 at 12:19 PM said...

Duuuuude!!
And i thot watever chetan bhagt wrote in five point was made up.
U can write a whole fuckin book wid dese experiences.
The line 'the sacred place meant only for girls and my hand' was really good. :-D
good one bro. Good one.
And i have been to d movies alone too. Its an awesome experience. And at times u end up goin wid people that make u feel alone wud have been better.

kalpak n. on December 2, 2011 at 12:56 PM said...

and ya...even i dont know if its actually true or no...but even i strongly believe pressing boobs inflates them gradually. I guess every boy does.

sumitra on December 2, 2011 at 1:05 PM said...

Haha, you've had a really interesting life so far! Guess most of it is funny only in retrospect. You have a nice way of putting things across too. Kalpak is right, this is good material for a book.

The DRAGON in the skin of a goat ;-p on December 2, 2011 at 4:05 PM said...

I haven't had this much fun reading a post in sometime now!!! Loved the confessions FL, must say my impression about you changed a wee bit after reading this :P

SRK fan huh? I was the die hard kind too, but my gaad RA.ONE ruined it for me. Your the good big bro types huh? good good, since you say you would be Ross and I know for a fact I'm Monica maybe I could call you out for help sometimes when I'm stalked too. Buldge up the biceps buddy, you'll nee it for the goons who stalk me X-(. I've done most that you have mentioned, all except porn and the traffic stopping performance. The former being good for me, the latter not so good. Should try it out sometime soon.

The bath tub thing, defi thumbs up but only if you know what your doing, no comments on the last confession and the French kiss with the dog was EPIC ;P..I think your funnier than Kallu (shhhhh don't tell him so, he might drown himself in his potty :P)

Freelancer on December 2, 2011 at 4:33 PM said...

@Keirthana

Honestly, at the spur of the moment any thing is possible :D Though i do realize, there were equal chances that things might have got screwed up, but at that moment, i never cared.

Safe to say that i sobered down now that i hit 24

Freelancer on December 2, 2011 at 4:35 PM said...

@paanipuri lover

hehe, tu bhi try kar kabhi...not the bathroom okay. wait till you are 21 for that :P

And Darl, there is already one video up there in youtube. But that's under my real name and am no way letting you guys find that link

Priyanka Kamath on December 2, 2011 at 4:39 PM said...

Oh my god this is wonderfully written:)

I go to this old age home once in a while and the love I see in their eyes for their spouses strengthens my belief in love:)

Freelancer on December 2, 2011 at 4:42 PM said...

@meoww

is your bum okay? :P :P

And its not necessary that only guys have such fun. Though they tend to take it to the extreme.

lol so even you agree bathroom can be a tad lil uncomfortable. :D good good. Pls do let me know other places where it might be uncomfortable so that i may pleasantly avoid them :D :P

And i was not molested. To think of it, I am kinda proud. Apparently i attract everyone.

And you cannot just say *no comments* on the last point and leave!! :P

Freelancer on December 2, 2011 at 4:43 PM said...

@priyanka
err hon...you commented on the wrong post. The post you want is above this

Freelancer on December 2, 2011 at 4:45 PM said...

@kalpak

kudos to believing the final point. Makes existence a whole lot interesting :D

Now don't plant that thought about writing a book on my head. I don't want to be Durjoy Datta part II. :D

About movies, true what you said. Sometimes watching a movie alone is the best experience.

Freelancer on December 2, 2011 at 4:48 PM said...

@sumitra

Thank you :)

But if i do manage to finish writing the book, it will be about dragons and sorcery instead of my life, however eventful they might have been

Freelancer on December 2, 2011 at 4:54 PM said...

@the dragon in the skin of a goat

wait a minute!! You didn't find any other pseudonym. Its sooooo long. I wil just call you Mon.

And now i am scared to ask, what was the previous impression of me? :S

ABout my muscles, I am not worried. Yes, am not John Abraham. But i can handle myself. Tai-kwon-do is a lifesaver :D

And i think you would do a better job at stopping traffic. Remember Monica's dance of the 80's?? bwahaha

ooh bath tub, am looking forward to it now :D

Vinati on December 2, 2011 at 5:01 PM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Confused Soul on December 2, 2011 at 6:04 PM said...

omg FL...your confessions made me holler dude... hahah gosh some experiences eh... crap u made me laugh big time.. awesome confessions :)

maithili on December 2, 2011 at 6:34 PM said...

My God you are full pittara of confessions!!

stealing money and getting caught watching porn was expected from you :P :P

Beating up the lil sis ka stalker was sweet lekin breaking his nose!! too much!

hahaha gau ki chhori k saamne kachra !! :D :D lol..

5 star and traffic I just cant believe! You are crazyyy!

Didn't you miss the momos in the lock up wala story??? ;)

Dog???? really??? How could you! Drunk me bhi itna drunk !!!

And you finally prove me and maddy right that you look gay in long hair! Enough of romanticizing long hairs! Abhi gay ppl openly started hittin on u :D :D :D

I agree with Kalpak that you can write a novel :D

Vinati on December 2, 2011 at 6:59 PM said...

Oh my god..I feel so sorry for you as you had to face hell of an embarrassing situation :P (this was for you watching porn and getting caught by your dad.)

Hahahhahhahahaha...you seriously danced on the road? Bloody awesome...
And more of hahahhahahahhahhahahhahahhah for you kissing a dog.
POOR DOG!

And what in the world were you thinking when you wore tight tees and skinny jeans?...aaaaaaa...that is so gay! :P
Golden Advice: Never do that again.

But all in all, it was a very dhamakedar post!!

Smita on December 3, 2011 at 2:00 AM said...

alright, it was great reading this CONFESSION and I seriously don't know what to comment !!

And FL you don't need to jot down things for that 30 things after 30 because you have already done a lot of hell! don't be so greedy :P you should pace down now :P

Between, I am too a biggggg dieeeee harddddd SRK Fan :D I share my birthdate,2nd NOV, with him :D

lovely picture!

Freelancer on December 3, 2011 at 8:09 AM said...

@ confused soul

:P lol, when i remember those days, i think to myself, 'How fucked up was I?"

Freelancer on December 3, 2011 at 8:10 AM said...

@maithili

momos!! God momos! yeah i missed them! That was the main reason i decided to get down from the bus. to eat momos. Damn! you remembered :D

and hello, i look hawt with long hair

Freelancer on December 3, 2011 at 8:11 AM said...

@Vin

poor dog??? bah!

And oi madam, i look hot in skinny jeans!! My flat ass is a wonder in those pants!

Freelancer on December 3, 2011 at 8:13 AM said...

@smita

darling, there are 101 things i wanna do before i hit 40. I completed about 30 of them. A lot is left

manisha on June 30, 2012 at 2:36 PM said...

Its simply awesome...!!! Hilarious to the core! An insight into what an interesting life you have lead till now.Hats off nd Kudos to you mahn!!Wish I had the guts to do any one of the crazy things u did..:)lol..!!!It wud be embarrassing for sometime(maybe forever) but yeah,u have lots of things to tell your loved ones and other people to make them laugh their asses off!!Btw loved ur style of writing...keep penning down like this..!

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