May 25, 2015

Soliloquy.

Posted by Aditi Ray at 2:20 PM

I don't feel the same anymore. Its like a part of me has been washed away by the tides, and I'm left incomplete...never to feel complete again. Is it normal? I don't know.

I have some serious trust issues. I can't trust anyone. I always end up looking at everyone with suspecting eyes. Is this normal? I don't know. But I know something... I was never like this before. I used to trust people so easily and so completely. But now I don't. I don't want to blame anyone for the way I am now...  Let's just say, my defence mechanism has taken the active front, and it doesn't let anything seep below my skin surface. It keeps everything from affecting me inside there. It keeps my feelings, emotions, heart...safe.

The defence mechanism is working great. I wish it came a little sooner, that way, it wouldn't have been such a big mess inside there.

I know you must be thinking I had a breakup... No, it wasn't a breakup. I don't know how to define it. I haven't been able to find the exact word for what it was. It seems silly at times, and I do laugh at myself...but I don't know why, the tears accompany my laughter. Maybe they too are being protective about my laughter...lest it too may disappear, just like my trust.

It is not such a big thing really. I should not give it so much of importance. Just forget about it. Ignore my own thoughts. After all, I knew what I was getting myself into...or maybe not.

Maybe I had forgotten the rules myself. I started playing the other way around. I should have played the game with my own black pieces. Black suits me. It kept me hidden in the shadows all these times. White is not really my colour. I should have never played the white colour. It made me forget it was a game. A chessboard game. A game filled with politics and manipulation. Where, 'checkmate' means I have the power to destroy you. And sometimes it has an added asterisk, where the terms and conditions apply. But we never read those terms and conditions , do we?

I don't know why I am writing this. I even don't know how long I will sob over this. Its been months now! But I hope to get over this soon. Very soon. Because every time I pick up my pen and sit down to write about something, I end up writing something like this...a sob story. And I hate sob stories. Which indirectly means, I'm hating myself right now. But its a phase... And this too won't last, just like the other things.

11 comments:

CookieCrumbs Inc. on May 25, 2015 at 2:58 PM said...

This too shall pass. It always does.
And mistrust is more rampant than we think, only trust those who you can truly count on.

Aditi Ray on May 25, 2015 at 3:22 PM said...

Thanks PeeVee! :)
True that. But its not always this simple. How would you know that the person who matters so much to you, also keeps you in same high regards?!
I wish things were simple enough. It would have saved so many souls, and so much emo dramas!

Roop Nath on May 25, 2015 at 4:33 PM said...

Play by your rules :) Hope you are doing great. :)

Alok singhal on May 25, 2015 at 4:53 PM said...

You should take a break and go somewhere that gives you peace of mind...for me it is temples.

Everything has a bright side to it...think about it. Whatever you are facing won't even matter in 6 months, i read somewhere...so why bother?

Soumya on May 25, 2015 at 6:35 PM said...

Take a break and come back only when sorted out. It sounds difficult but believe me it is the best thing to do.

Hugs!

Keirthana on May 26, 2015 at 10:31 AM said...

I agree with PeeVee, it always does pass. Don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs!

DEE DEE on May 26, 2015 at 3:32 PM said...

it does pass, or maybe you just get over it and look beyond, sometimes you wake up an have an ephiphany thinking "what just really happened like seriously, why was i even sad"
that day sunshine looks prettier than ever
everyone at some point of time has trust issues, maybe the heart is been hurt by someone whom it though would never hurt you.
No travelling to a different place, no peppy music will change your mood.
Love yourself, make yourself happy, do things you love, sleep, read, dance , scream like a banshee,
trust yourself, put all your problems to God and say "Dude, its your problems now, solve it, i dont know how" and He shall solve it for you

Woow I was giving a sermon there

Toobs.S on May 28, 2015 at 2:11 PM said...

Hey. I feel exactly the same and I don't even know how to deal with it so I can't tell you that. But what I can tell you is you will be okay. There's no time limit to it. Take all the time you need and please be loving towards yourself. I hate myself too for being like this and trust me It's not a good place to be in.

There will be light somewhere. Hold on till then. And sob stories are real. They may not be joyful but they connect. They remind us of scars that built us in who you are.
You are great :) Just exist. Let it all go away.

P.s Drop by my blog sometime. I have a feeling we will connect.

Toobs
www.alwaysandforevertk.blogspot.com

Toobs.S on May 28, 2015 at 2:12 PM said...

Hey. I feel exactly the same and I don't even know how to deal with it so I can't tell you that. But what I can tell you is you will be okay. There's no time limit to it. Take all the time you need and please be loving towards yourself. I hate myself too for being like this and trust me It's not a good place to be in.

There will be light somewhere. Hold on till then. And sob stories are real. They may not be joyful but they connect. They remind us of scars that built us in who you are.
You are great :) Just exist. Let it all go away.

P.s Drop by my blog sometime. I have a feeling we will connect.

Toobs
www.alwaysandforevertk.blogspot.com

Rashmi karthik on June 3, 2015 at 11:57 PM said...

Hi keirthana. This is my first time here. I can so much relate to ur lines . But trust me , soon there will be a time when you look at these moments and laught at them . Yes, times heals everything . Ignorance is bliss at times. If we don't love ourselves even God won't live us let alone an human . When we can forgive others why are we so harsh on ourselves . Smile and laugh for no reason I promise a difference .
Hugs !!

livetolovelifecrazy. Blog spot.com

Aditi Ray on July 23, 2015 at 7:51 PM said...

Thanku everyone! I am more than glad to have so many supportive people here! Thanku so so much!

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