Deception.

You came like a flowing breeze,
soothed my burning soul,
balmed my open wounds,
and now that I want you to stay,
you say you just came by the way.

I look up in your eyes,
It tells me a million stories.
stories of defeat, stories of shame,
stories of many shattered walls of fame.
you blink, trying to deceive me,
but the door once opened can be entered anyday.

I look deeper in your eyes,
beyond those surfacing stories.
I see a sun blinding my gaze,
The gleaming sun shows me illusions,
I see mirage in the middle of a haze.

I forget the reality,
and start living in the illusions.
my world turns into a vast desert,
and I look upon you
my oasis, for solace.

But after walking miles after miles,
chasing you, like chasing my own tail.
A lightening strikes, and I realize,
my house has been ravaged,
my soul has been stolen,
my trust has been broken,
the drawers of happiness have been emptied,
and my love has been raped.

I want you to tell me,
All's not lost, everything's gonna be alright.
So I look around for you,
But you seem nowhere.
Far away, I can see your shadow,
disappearing at the end of the road.

I run behind you, trying to stop you,
hold your arms tight.
But every single time,
I fall on my face,
feeling like a ridiculous dime.

I hear somebody laughing on me,
It was a joke I didnt want to understand.
Fallacy was served to me on a platter,
And I tasted deceit, while sipping some wine.

Daffodils.

I am a woman of 21st century. I am independent. I am strong. I can endure all storm. I can handle both my private life and professional life with ease, and well, how perfectly! I have everything I wanted, everything I needed, everything I dreamt of...or maybe not. There are times I feel incomplete. All this achievement, feels like a waste. All this success looks like the biggest failure. All this feels like a big vacuum, and this vacuum sucks me in every time I look around, and I find a big void all around me.

After all this achievement, after all this success... I don't have friends to cheer about it. I don't have anybody to talk to during cold depressed nights. I don't have anybody whom I can tell anything, and everything I wanted... More importantly, someone who will understand everything before I can say a word to him. I understand people around me...but nobody understands me. I hug people when they cry and sob, but no one comes to hug me when I feel weak and sick. I stay up all night when my friend falls sick, but nobody hands me an aspirin when I get my regular sinus attacks. I cry along with my friend when she goes through a breakup, but nobody even asks me how I am when I feel lonely. One call, and I am there at their doorsteps, but why can't they see my tears, and feel my pain?

I believe everyone is good at heart. They all are good. But in the end, why do they all turn out to be manipulators. I can see through their eyes and heart...hear through their sobs, and feel their pain like it was mine. But the least I expect is a simple 'how are you' or a simple hug from them when I tell them I don't feel good. Is that too much expectation? Am I expecting too much?

Life is a long journey. I have some true friends too, who like me, be there for me no matter what! and many such fake friends... I have many such friends, no matter how much I do for them, they can never see the tear in my eyes, the smile missing from my face, my lost appetite, my sleepless nights. Am I doing less for them? Should I do more? Somehow more always seems less to them. I have stopped bothering now. Still, somehow it bothers me to see them in pain. I wonder sometimes, is it that they just can't see my pain, or is it that choose not to see it? I will never know. But thats okay. I can't expect everybody to be like me. On a lighter note, life would be so boring if everybody took care of everybody all the time like me. And on a practical note, its good I'm surrounded by such fake people all around me, it keeps me well grounded, and keeps me from being dependent on anybody for my needs.

But there are times, I want to be pampered. There are times I want to be the drama queen. There are times I want to feel important. There are times I want  someone to wipe away my tears. There are times I want someone to give me tight hug without me telling them to. There are times I want somebody to notice my mood swings, and ask me what's wrong. There are times I want somebody to be by my side. Just be there. To hold me when I fall. To hug me when I feel lonely. Just to say it'll all be fine. To listen to my boring philosophies. Talk to me during the night. Hold my hand when I walk alone. Hold my umbrella, and kiss me in the rain. Lend me his shoulder when I fall asleep in the train. To stay awake all night, just to make sure I'm fine. To fight with me on silly issues. To make up for the fight with a big chocolate bar. To hold my hand, and not let go. To hold me tighter when I say let me go. To stick by my side when I say leave me alone. To love me , even when I say I don't love you anymore...because deep down he knows we are meant to be together. Deep down, he knows I can't love somebody enough. Deep down, he knows, life without him will never be the same.

But life goes on... And life keeps me occupied. And like Wordsworth says...

         For oft, when on my couch I lie
        In vacant or in pensive mood,
        They flash upon that inward eye
        Which is the bliss of solitude;
        And then my heart with pleasure fills,
        And dances with the daffodils.

Soliloquy.

I don't feel the same anymore. Its like a part of me has been washed away by the tides, and I'm left incomplete...never to feel complete again. Is it normal? I don't know.

I have some serious trust issues. I can't trust anyone. I always end up looking at everyone with suspecting eyes. Is this normal? I don't know. But I know something... I was never like this before. I used to trust people so easily and so completely. But now I don't. I don't want to blame anyone for the way I am now...  Let's just say, my defence mechanism has taken the active front, and it doesn't let anything seep below my skin surface. It keeps everything from affecting me inside there. It keeps my feelings, emotions, heart...safe.

The defence mechanism is working great. I wish it came a little sooner, that way, it wouldn't have been such a big mess inside there.

I know you must be thinking I had a breakup... No, it wasn't a breakup. I don't know how to define it. I haven't been able to find the exact word for what it was. It seems silly at times, and I do laugh at myself...but I don't know why, the tears accompany my laughter. Maybe they too are being protective about my laughter...lest it too may disappear, just like my trust.

It is not such a big thing really. I should not give it so much of importance. Just forget about it. Ignore my own thoughts. After all, I knew what I was getting myself into...or maybe not.

Maybe I had forgotten the rules myself. I started playing the other way around. I should have played the game with my own black pieces. Black suits me. It kept me hidden in the shadows all these times. White is not really my colour. I should have never played the white colour. It made me forget it was a game. A chessboard game. A game filled with politics and manipulation. Where, 'checkmate' means I have the power to destroy you. And sometimes it has an added asterisk, where the terms and conditions apply. But we never read those terms and conditions , do we?

I don't know why I am writing this. I even don't know how long I will sob over this. Its been months now! But I hope to get over this soon. Very soon. Because every time I pick up my pen and sit down to write about something, I end up writing something like this...a sob story. And I hate sob stories. Which indirectly means, I'm hating myself right now. But its a phase... And this too won't last, just like the other things.

The long drive...

It's a saturday night,
and we are out for a drive.
we choose the lonely route,
with you I feel so alive.

Listening to the beats,
lost in our talks.
Little did we realize,
when the midnight knocked.

We stop by to feel the cool breeze,
your arms still feel so warm.
Oh! the great ocean of love,
and the lord of sweet misty wine.

The cold night, the dew drops,
the moonlight and the stars.
they all acknowledge our presence,
and try to hide their scars.

Are they jealous, do they envy,
or are they just happy at our sight!
I can stay here... just you and me,
in this long starry night.

Holding your hands, safe in your arms,
I wish to seal it with a kiss.
The sweet passion erupting within us,
our hearts so full of bliss.

FRUSTATION ALERT !

What do you do when you are suffering through a rough patch in your life... your loved ones are not nearby to comfort you... and if that was not enough, there is someone in your life, who makes it even more difficult for you to live through the rough patch? Right when you are trying to get out of it, he comes back again and makes sure that your life remains fucked up all the time. What do you do then ? Flush him out of your life ? I wish things were so easy all the time... Or maybe say what you really are thinking and just ruin it all ? Ruin all the friendly relation you have with that person and move on ? mind you, just ending all the relations wont help, because he is going to meet you everyday, by default ofcourse, for the next couple of months ? What do you do then ? He comes to you everytime you thought your life is all settled, and now...you are finally back on track... and then again ruin all your efforts and quite literally eat up your mental peace and harmony. What do you do then ?

I know I am just ranting about it here... I know I sound all kickass, but when it comes to facing an issue I fall straight on my face. I know I suck at solving problems. I know that! I wish I could be that person whom everybody hates because they think she has too much of ego problems... or that bitch who thinks too much of herself... or something like that. I so desperately wish to be one of those. Atleast then, nobody comes to disturb your mental sanity. Even if nobody talks to you, you feel at peace. You feel self dependent. You can do whatever you want without thinking about what you may have to hear after you do this or that. That way you dont really have to answer to anybody.... Isnt that what I really want ? Accountability for myself ? Is that too much I am asking for ? Cant I be responsible for my own actions and decisions ? Why the hell should someone else be willing to decide for me ? And why the hell should I let that happen ?

I know I am a coward when it comes to resolving problems face to face. Dont get me wrong, I do finish matters once and for all, but only when the matter goes above my intake capacity. But should I really wait for my intake capacity to overflow and then react ? Why should I hang on to something which is taking a toll on my mental peace ? Why should I wait for the water to go above my nose ? I dont know, what should I really do ?

Should I just yell back, finish all the friendly space we shared, and not see his face even if he passes right infront of me ? Or should I be what I usualy am, a diplomat, and politely and sweetly tell to him back off... and listen to his taunts everyday that I am no longer the person he met before... that I have changed... and that I should tell him if I have any issues in my life. Hell, he himself is the issue I'm trying to tackle!

I am so mind-fucked. I dont know what to do ? Its a fight between the Libran and the Leo in me. The diplomat wants me to peacefully resolve the issue without getting mean and violent, but the fighter wants me to go and yell at his face that I think he's an absolute loser, and I'd be better off without him !

I know its one of those things that will resolve itself eventually (damn you libran!)... but right now its really taking a toll on my mental health. I feel frustated. Its taking more mental space than it actually deserves. I am trying everything to bring back my mental sanity back home. Writing helps, sure. And probably that is the reason I am here. But how long should I keep consoling myself that everything will be allright with time. Sometimes you need to take control of the situation instead of waiting for it to get better by itself. And everytime I think of doing something, the question pops up...

 What should I do ?

And honestly, I dont know what to do !

One Love...

  "The number you are trying to reach is currently unreachable."

She tried his number once again, but the monotonic voice on the machine answered instead of him. 

It was exactly 30 days ago when he first saw her. It was an NGO. She was feeding a blind kid. His eyes were transfixed at her. He couldnt help but look at her... her smile.. her simplicity.. her face.. there was something very striking about it that made her diffirent, that made her stand apart from the others. There was something about her that hooked him immidiately. There was an instant pull...and he couldnt help but get drawn to her with each passing second. 

"We have started ABS organisation. It is an online job searching portal. We are looking for an intern. Would you be interested in being a part of it ?"

The more he got to know her, the more drawn he was to her. There was an enigma about her...something that kept pulling him towards her. She was this simple-fun-loving-hard-working-intelligent girl. Nothing special in her appearance. Most of the times he saw her, she was plainly clad in a t-shirt or a kurti and denims. No make-up... a high pony... either busy on the phone or something else... never having a dull moment in her day... there was something...something... he didnt know what, but something in her that pulled him towards her. 

"Here are the details, I want you to mail me the final draft by tonight."

She was so simple. Maybe it was her simplicity that attracted him...maybe something else.. he was still figuring it out. They spend most of the day together...either working or taking about work. It was a completely professional relationship. Only work...no play. But all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!

"What are you doing tonight ? I have got this amazing movie...and we can have some pizzas if you dont mind..."

Now he started knowing her. She was a completely fun-loving girl. She loved bike-rides...enjoyed long drives...was a complete foodie...she survived on chocolates...was a diet-freak... and there was something else too... she was engaged to her childhood sweeatheart.

"Have you seen this lake... its on the outskirts... not too far.. just an hour drive from here... but its a beautiful place... specially around this time...when the sun sets..."

She was beautiful. There was this calmness in her...she was so happy all the time. And now, at the lake shore, when the sun came down, painting the sky red...she looked so pure...so beautiful...so perfect. She felt like an island he longed for. With her, even the silence felt good.

"Dont.... You will fall in love with me."

She laughed everytime he said that. He knew she wouldnt fall for him. He was just a good friend to her...nothing more. A special one for sure, but thats it. He knew it would never be love... a two-sided one, between them. But that didnt stop him from hoping for it. Be positive, she always said !

"I am here for only a week now. When you are back from home, I'll be gone. Seniors first, remember."

He was graduating the very next week, and she wouldnt be here. She was going home for a short holiday. Her wedding day was closing down and she was busy with the wedding shopping. They still spoke on the phone for long hours. He knew he had to cut the chord that was slowly getting stronger day by day. 

"I am sorry if I hurt you, but I wont come for your wedding. And please, dont say please..."

It was his convocation day. His family was besides him...his friends were cheering for him...the entire batch cheered and whislted for him when they announced his name in the best student category. But he felt an emptiness around him. He knew... it was now or never. He had to cut the chord. She had a different life, and he couldnt live that way. Life must move on...

"This is probably the last time we are talking. I want you to know that you are very special to me. A very special someone. And I cant be in touch with you anymore. And dont ask me for reasons... I have never given you any. I wish you be happy in your life forever. Goodbye! "

We'll meet again, soon...

He stood right there, eyes transfixed at her, as she slowly was taken away from him, the train had started speeding up, and he just stood there, at the platform, looking at her, as she stood at the doorway of the train, waving goodbye, smiling with the promise that said, 'we'll meet again, soon!' 

Smitten by Lust....

He looked at her, her hair flutting like a wild butterfly in a storm. Her skirt doing a la-marilyn-monroe and showing off just enough of her legs to set his pulse racing. Not that he hadnt seen many legs, he had, plenty of them, but something about her made him look back at her again and again. Maybe it was the geeky spectacles on her eyes, or the heavy books in her hands, or maybe as simple as the green colour on her skirt...it was something...something he couldnt figure out, but his eyes remained transfixed at her. She was innocently beautiful. Beautiful in a pure way, untouched by the big bad world. He liked the freshness on her face. It was the freshness of a early morning dew. His eyes were no more in control of him, they involuntarily stared at her. She was talking on the phone with exaggerated hand movements, and his eyes followed her every movement, his eyes traced her long smooth fingers, perfectly manicured nails, smooth soft silky skin...he felt his mouth go dry. His eyes went back to her lips, soft pink lips, perfect white teeth...ohh, that smile, he felt his breathe hitched for a moment. He didnt realise he was wetting his lips..just her sight made his mouth dry. He wondered what lies behind those layers of clothes. He felt the heat in his loins. She looked at his direction, her eyes big and expressive. Her eye lashes like waves on sand dunes. She was beautiful in a chaste and pure way. She saw him staring at her, but wasn't this a common sight? She just ignored. But he couldn't. He kept staring, long and hard...till her image was sketched in his memory. He closed his eyes, as though to confirm, he saw her even with his eyes closed. Just then, the bus came, and she bid adeiu to the bus stop. Suddenly her absence made him so restless, like she was the only thing needed for him to be alive, and right then he knew, he needed her. He needed her like his survival depended on her. He needed her like oxygen, it was difficult to breathe without her. He needed her, thats it. He needed her.

He stood right there, the next day, at the same time, just to catch a glimpse of her. Her long fingers holding the heavy books so delicately, he hair tied back in a neat ponytail, her lips slightly glossy, he wished he could touch them. While she was ignorant of his presence, his eyes scanned her body. Yes, he needed her. He felt the heat in his blood rising to his face. His trousers suddenly felt uncomfortable. He knew he had to do something, his need for her was rising. The more he stared at her, the more he wanted her. He hurried back home.

At home, he made a call, a number he called often. He barked on the phone, "Come now, right now. I want you here." The voice from the other side laughed and retorted, "You had me just last night...seems like you havn't had enough of me." He barked again, "Just do as you are told, come right now." Throwing the phone on the table, he closed his eyes and imagined her. Her long tender fingers...her slender waist...her soft lips...her green skirt...her coal black eyes. He heard the key unlock the door, the cheap perfume filling the room as she stepped infront of him. But his mind kept fantasizing the image in his mind, thinking of her and the need for her growing in him with every mili-second. He just knew one thing, he needed her.

It was midnight when he lit a cigarette and sat near the window. The cool breeze making him shiver but his mind was still encapsulated in her thoughts. She was an obsession he couldn't stop indulging in. He waited for the night to get over so he could see her again at the bus stop.

Fate of Destiny.

She sat there, calmly smoking the cigarette neatly perched inbetween her fingers. The remaining fingers supported the whiskey glass in her hand. She inhaled the smoked and felt the mild kick her brain got. It felt good, it felt relaxing, it felt better. She needed her mind to stop working for sometime, and though marijuana was the perfect drug for her, she preferred the cigarette. She drank occasionaly, but wasnt this a perfect occasion? She smirked at herself and gulped down the undiluted neat whiskey. She took a deep breathe, the effect of cigarette and whiskey was wearing off, maybe she really needed to switch to marijuana, she thought lazily. She walked to her private bar and poured herself another large peg. Again draining her glass completely, she thought she needed another cigarette, but before she could light the next one, the glass stumbled out of her fingers and she slumped down the marble floor. She was no more in control of herself. She looked around her lavish expansive room and tears ran through her cheeks, smudging her perfectly kohled eyes. 

  "I dont think I'm ever going to marry Anu. I dont want to marry. Thats it. What do I lack in life? Nothing! I have everything...parents, friends, you, money...everything! Why should I ruin it all with a guy and marriage? No way, I am not marrying!"

  "Oh comon, dont you want a good loving husband? A caring guy? A few kids to to call you mumma and run about your house....dont you want all that?? Oh comon! I too have everything that you have, but I want to marry so eagerly! I want to have kids....lots of them!"  and they both giggled together just like they had always done since childhood.

  "But you want to do that because you have a guy in your life, I dont! And honestly, I'm happy without one. They are just useless. Look at me, dont I look happy and content? Why do you want to spoil my happiness Anu?"

   "Idiot, I want you to enjoy and experience happiness which is beyong the happiness you currenly feel. I want you to be a happy and a complete woman, not just a happy and independent girl!"  and like always, Priya had to agree with her childhood best friend.

  "I know my mother has bribed you get me married, she just cant stand her daughter so happy!" She sulked and Anu chastly kissed her cheeks and hugged her tightly.

  "You know we both want you to be happy!"

The earth was spinning around her and she held the leg of the bar stool tightly. Someone was hammering inside her head, and it was getting intolerable. Hot tears ran through her cheeks and she wiped them off smudging the kohl on her blushed cheeks. She wished to find a dagger somewhere to end the pain she felt in her heart, but all she found was emptiness all around. The loneliness was killing her and she was willing to give away anything to end it. She needed someone to talk to...someone to hug...someone to wipe her tears and comfort her, but all she was left with was a big vacuum in her life. She wanted to get sucked into the black hole and get lost in the blackness forever. It was getting unbearable. She longed for companionship, for company. She needed someone around...someone to make her feel alive. She wanted someone to make her feel special, someone to make her feel happy. The emptiness was biting her, and she wanted to run away and save her life.

  "I cant tell you how happy I am Priya!"

  "I know bitch, you are getting married to the guy you love so madly!"

  "Yes, and see how happy I am? Now comon, either find a guy for yourself or start meeting these short-listed guys...plz Priya! I want us to get married around the same time!"

  "Are you out of your mind girl? You will be getting married by the end of this year, which leaves me with hardly 8 months! And you want me to find a guy and marry him in these 8 months?! You must be kidding me!"

  "No. I am very much serious! So you better hurry up!"

  "But...but...heyy...wait...listen to me...Anu...wait..."

She crawled up back to the bar table. The pain was unbearable. She needed something to ease her out of the pain, to make her forget all her past, infact even the present. It was the present that was killing her.... the past had been beautiful. Fresh tears blinded her vision, and her aching throat simply added to her aching heart. She caught hold of the Jack Daniel she had been pouring from and drank directly from the bottle....and slumped back to the floor again, only this time sobbing uncontrollably.

  "Hey baby...I love you so much...come here in my arms..."

  "I love you too darling..."

Her eyes were blood-shot, but tears kept flowing. Everything in front of her eyes started turning hazy. Her head was spinning and she could no longer make sense of the world around her. She though of him and a small smile played on her lips. She still was madly in love with that bastard. His eyes... His smile... His arms... His voice... was all she ever needed in her life. It was all perfect untill yesterday. Only if she hadnt anwered that phone call.

  "Hey sexy...am in town for a couple of days. Heritage Hotel, room no - 6. Be here at sharp 7...I'll be waiting for my naughty lover! Bye. And I missed you darling!"

  "Who is she?"

  "None of your business. Get away."

  "It is my damn business!! We are getting married next week!! Who is she?"

  "Mind your own business. I have to go. Get away."

  "Tell me the truth Raj...how long has it been going on..."

  "You wanna know the truth...fine! Listen, Its been 6 months since I've been sleeping with her! Anything else?"

-----

  "Hey Anu, Priya here. I called you several times but you never replied...so...ummm... mom was asking when should we call the beautician.... and..umm... Mohan said, maroon really suits me, so I was thinking, we'll get more of maroon tops...*giggle*... ok...and yea..u were right bitch, I did fall for him, and I cant believe I am getting married! And all thanks to you and Raj...man, you both are a couple made in heaven! Without you both I would have never agreed to marry! Thanku guys! And can you believe, its just a week for our marriage! You were right, we really are getting married on the same day! Isnt that super exciting! Ok, call me when you get this message. Need to discuss a lot with you."

-----

  "Mom, I hope she gets allrite. I cant contact Raj too, I hope everything's ok with him......Doctor how is she? Is everything ok? What happened to her?"

  "She's out of danger now. She had gone into shock, which led to depression. She's fine now."

------

  "Anu aunty...mummy says when I grow up, a handsome prince will come for me on a white horse, is it true?"

  "Yes darling, its true. You are a princess, and a handsome strong prince will come to get you on horseback!"

  "Mummy says even you are a princess...then why didnt a prince come to get you?"

-----

I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD.........

The day I met you, 

I never thought that I could befriend you like I do now. 

I never thought I could talk to you for hours and hours together. 

I never thought I could stay awake all night talking to you. 

I never thought I could be so eager to talk to you again. 

I never thought I could be thinking of you all the time. 

I never thought I could be caring for you so much. 

I never thought I could be waiting for your appriciation everytime. 

I never thought your thoughts could affect me so much. 

I never thought I could feel upset about not talking to you. 

I never thought I could miss you so much... 

but honestly, I do. 

I do care for you. 

I do miss you when you are not around. 

I do wait for you to come back soon when you are gone. 

I do think of you each time I am alone. 

I do love you everytime even more. 

You make me feel so important and I am so proud to be a part of your life. 

I love every second of the time we spend together. 

Every mili-second with you creates a memory in my life. 

I dont know what is happening in my life right now, also how far is this going to go... 

Although I dont want it to end ever! 

I want it to go on and on forever...!!

Whatever I never thought I could, is all that I am doing now....!!!

P.S. - I wrote this poem almost 2 years back for someone, and now today when I was scurrying through my old notes, I found it, and it made me a little nostalgic! So here I am smiling, and letting you take a sneak-peak into my till-date-personal-diary-scribbings!!

Cheers!!

The yellow flower....

*The spark of the first moment doesn't last long,

but it does light a flame that would keep us warm!*

She had marvelled at the beauty of the sentence right from day one. And now again when they met after 3 months, it still felt the same. The spark of the first moment was still there. They never had to say a formal 'Hie' or shake hands when they met, it was always said and done by their eyes and their mere presence. What a handshake did for others, a simple smile did it for them. The fact that they had not been in touch at all through-out these 3 months suddenly seemed so unreal. It didnt feel like they had vanished from each others lives for such a long time, the spark was still alive!

"Where had you been all these months? You just vanished from the face of earth!!"

"Yeahh.. I was in solitude. I just had to be alone. I needed that. I avoided everyone. But now I am back!" He grinned at her.

There was no awkwardness, no hesitation, no anxiety, no second thoughts. It seemed like they started it again right from where they had left it back then. The same sentence, continued after the coma. The same story, continued after the interval. He was still the same talkative, calm & sensible as he was before and she was still the bubbly butterfly.

"Sit, we are going to Gorai!"

"Gorai???!!" Now she was jumping happily.

"Yes madam, Gorai." He smiled. He was always amused by the sight of her jumping like a kid on the streets and clapping. He suddenly had the urge to call her a kiddo, he knew how much it annoyed her. 'I am NOT a kiddo!', she would always say, but suddenly she got serious.

"Okay, we will go to gorai, but on one condition. I'll ride!" 

"Sure, but you have to wear the helmet!"

"No helmet pleeeaseee!!! I hate helmets!" She pouted.

"If you wanna ride, you have to wear them. They are head-condoms!" And she burst out laughing.

"Pleeaaseeeee...."

"No. You have your licence with you?"

"Bwhahahahahaa... I dont have a licence yet!! I've been riding without a licence since ages! Heeheehee.."

His straight face made her stop laughing.

"So you dont get to ride. Simple!" Now it was his turn to laugh, and she pouted.

"Pleeeaaseeeeee....."

"Okay, but not on the highway. And you'll have to wear the helmet."

She pouted again, "hmmm... okayy...!"

She was riding the bike after many months, and she felt exhilarated. Freed from all the chains that bound her lately.

"Slow down... we are going very fast..."

"But its just around 50, I ride at a speed of 70-80, on the highway, without a licence, and without a fucking helmet on my head!" she giggled slowing to 40kmph.

She waited for him to say something, but when he didnt she slowly increased the speed again.

She was thrilled by the ride and the only thing she missed was the breeze on her face, the 'head-condom' was being the spoilt-sport!

"Can I please remove the helmet?? Pleeaasseeee.."

"Hmmm.. okay..!" They were in the village lanes, and now he trusted her driving skills.

The breeze was hot and humid. It hadnt rained since 3 days, and she was secretly praying for it to rain now. She liked the wind hitting her face. Her hair flying wildly behind her, and a happy grin plastered on her face. It was bliss. A perfect moment. A perfect day. A perfect memory. But then, he always had created perfect memories for her. Right from their first outing, to till date. He had given her perfect memories to cherish. Be it the early mornings on marine drive or the long walks in the unknown lanes of colaba, they were all beautiful perfect memories. 

"Lets sit on those rocks!" She pointed. Gorai had always been her get-away-destination. A quiet beach in the outskirts of Mumbai with the sceneic beauty that hardly any beach offered. They climbed the rocks and sat facing the sea. The breeze was cooler and the dark clouds floated on top, promising a good shower in a few hours. And they talked. And talked. And talked. They were both happy to find each other's company after so long, and talked about every possible topic on Earth! They laughed, on jokes, on each other, on themselves. Just laughed. Careless laughter.

"I have decided I'll marry a guy, I'll have sex with girls ofcourse, but marry a guy! Homosexual!" He said with a wink. And it took her several minutes to stop laughing.

"What??? Why??" she managed inbetween her laughter.

"coz girls are so cranky. They are intolerable sometimes. They freak-out so often and have so many mood swings and have problems with everything that guys do! So I have decided, I'll marry a boy and live happily ever after!"

She laughed harder.

"You know, I sometimes miss those winter days, those early mornings on marine drive."

"Hmmmm... Sometimes even I do." She smiled and looked at him, and he was lost in his thoughts. Those days were truly nostalgic! They were simply beautiful!

"We'll go someday again soon. What say?"

"Sure, I'll let you know when I'm free!"

"Yes miss busy bee!"

And she giggled again.

"Okay, tell me your best memory of us."

"Umm... Its when you first picked up the yellow flower and turned to me, and suddenly ate it, saying this yellow flower was very delicious! Damn, I thought you would give it to me, but you ate it... ATE IT??!!....." she cried with laughter.

"okay okay.. stop laughing! Its embarassing!"

"But you ate the flower !!!" and there she went again. Her stomach was aching, but she still couldnt stop laughing.

"I picked it up to give it to you only, but I got so nervous when I looked at you, and you were constantly staring at me, that made me all the more conscience, and I froze, and couldnt give it to you, so ate it!"

And that followed another cachinnation.

They were on their way back home, and suddenly she didnt want the day to end. The day had unfurled rather quickly and it was evening already. She wanted the time to stop, so that she could enjoy a few more hours in a few seconds. But the irony was that hours had flown by just like seconds and they had to go home now.

"Where do we go the next time we meet?" she asked quietly and nonchalantly, hoping he didnt read between the lines, but how could she betray him! It was him, who answered her every question before she could frame it in her mind. The door to her mind was still open, and he still frequented it, with or without her knowledge!

"Hmm.. so you are already waiting for the next time?" Although she couldnt see him, she could feel his smile grow wider with every word.

"We could go anywhere you want, you think and decide and let me know, ok!"

She was again grinning like a idiot. 

"Okay!"

He dropped her outside her gate, and before she could turn back and head home...

"By the way, you are looking really pretty in this top."

She blushed. She wondered how he still managed to make her blush and giggle all the time.

"Thank you!" and she turned back and again he stopped her.

"Oh by the way, I got something for you....." and he removed the yellow flower from his bag, and handed it to her. She was completely balled over. Suddenly nostalgic and astonied. He had always given her that same yellow flower everytime they met, and he didnt forget about it today! All she could do was stare at him and smile. Silence always spoke for them, and even now, she left the unspoken words for silence to convey.

The first time.......

She blushed a deep beet-root red. It was sometime before she gained back her composure and her pulse-rate went back to normal. She thanked God silently that her mouth didnt dry this time and embarass her like it did the last time. She still remembered the incident crystal clear. She had replayed it in her mind thousands of times and cursed herself every single time.

    It was the first time she was meeting him, she was nervous, she didnt knw what to expect, she didnt know how he looked, although they had been talking regularly on the phone over the past few weeks, but this was the first time she was to meet him, her pulse rate was high, her heart beat was doing a emphatic dance, and to make the matters worse, he was late!! Every mili-second that passed by, felt like hours altogether. She tried focussing her thoughts to something else, so as to relax her mind but nothing helped. She tried calling her bestfriend, it always helped, but this time this too was in vain. She thought to herself, she couldnt let him see her in that state! What will her first impression be? A girl in pyjamas, chappals, over-sized t-shirt, chewing her nails, hands cold as stone, breathing erratic, sweating in this winter, walking to and fro in the busy street, outside their meeting spot, and now her mouth was dry! She couldnt speak a single word without coughing... She was nervousness personified! Damn! What a first impression, she thought to herself!! It was 20 minutes since she was walking to and fro at the same place. 

'God, save me, I'm gonna faint', she said aloud. 'Its been 20 minutes!!'

And in those 20 minutes, she had invited 20 odd uninvited pairs of eyes on her. They all followed her every movement. 'Wow! Can this get any worse?!', she thought to herself. 

Just then, a man stood infront of her, giving her his best smile, an honest pleased smile, she couldnt resist smiling back.

'Kate??'

She had lost her voice already, blame it on those long 20 minutes (read: 20 hours!). She simply nodded, wagging her head a little too fast, smiling happily.

'Hie!'

Pheww... He had finally come. They shook hands. His hands were strong, confident, and warm...every quality that was currently missing in her. He shook her hand warmly.

'Shall we?'

She nodded again. This time though, the nod was lady-like, slow, gentle and precise! They walked together, slowly to the adjoining coffee shop.

'Sorry for calling you out at such a short notice. Actually, I didnt expect my work to be done by late at night today, but when it got over so early, I thought of asking you if you were free and could meet me now. I hope I didnt make you wait for too long.'

Eh, well... no... not at all! Hell... you made me wait for 20 minutes! 20 MINUTES!!!! She smiled, 'Umm...no.. not really! Its okay.'

'Alrite, so what will you have?'

Oxygen... gimme some oxygen. Thats what I need right now! 'Ehh... nothing. I'm fine.' She started coughing. Dammit! She thought she could manage a few words without showing that her mouth had gone paper-dry!

'Are you okay? Do you need some water?'

'No no.. I'm fine!' She coughed again. Aarghhh! Noo..nooo... please dont!

'Should I get you some water? Are you fine?' Now he was really concerned.

'Noo..noo.. its fine. I'm fine. Its just the weather. How are you?' She thought changing the topic will help, it did, but only for a few mili-seconds! She coughed again.

'Hmph... I am great! And I'll get some water for you. And you miss, relax. ok? I'll be back.'

Before she could say anything to stop him he was gone. Woww! What a start! What a first impression! What a date!! She was nervous as hell, and he was so relaxed! Only if she could borrow some from him! She cursed herself. Maybe its all her fault, she shouldnt have been so excited about meeting him, or maybe she should have come late as usual and not tried  being punctual for the first time! But then how could she know he was going to be late? Dammit... dammit.. dammit..!!! She saw him coming with a glass of water in his hand. He had an amused smile on his lips. Ofcourse, he had all the right in the world to be amused! She did amuse him. Her nervousness did amuse him. 

'Here you go. And why are you being so nervous? Relax babes!'

She nodded obidiently, and drank the water in small gulps. Aaahh! 'Thanks.'

Although the water wet her mouth, it couldnt stop her from sweating. She was still sweating. Although he made her start talking, she was still not in her original form. The nervousness hadnt crept out of her. She was still self-conscious. They chatted for what seemed like a long time to her turned out to be just an hour. Although not completely herself, she was enjoying herself, and was slowly getting back in her element. She wanted to sit right there and talk to him, just simply talk. She was intimaded by him. His presence affected her, and she liked the novelty of it, it was the first time someone affected her merely with his presence. It seemed to her that the time was running out and suddenly it was the time for her to go back home. She hated it. She wanted to talk more. She wanted to spend some more time with him. Only if this fool didnt come 20 minutes late she would have had 20 minutes more to spend with him! She sighed.

'Its time I have to be back home.'

He didnt wince at all but simply nodded, and it saddened her for a moment. Nevertheless, she gathered herself up. It was time for her to go back home. His enchanting smile was all she needed to give him one of her honest happy grins. She smiled so easily and so frequently through out the date. Date?!! umm..welll...it was anything but a DATE!! She left him with mixed feelings... happy that she finally met him, sad that she was departing from him. She had thought of him all the week. Going through every moment of that evening again and again. Hoping she didnt do this... or hadnt said that... behaved lik this... or laughed like that.....

'Here are the tickets. Come on... lets go, the movie has just started. We need to hurry if you dont want to miss the start.'

Today, after two weeks, it was their second date, and again... he was late and she was nervous!! :P

Her eyes....

Her eyes danced naughtily,

as she laughed hard,

She teased him with her eyes,

draped in a six yard.

He tried hard to maintain his poker face,

ignoring his urge to smile,

He loved the sight of her laughing,

while she played it soft with her eyes.

His straight face made her nervous,

and she bit her lips apologetically,

His eyes seeked permission,

while her eyes danced erotically.

He held her by the waist,

and pulled her close to himself,

Her laughter dried like the morning dew,

and her breathe caught herself.

Her eyes were transfixed to his.

while his fingers traced her back,

She twitched left and right pleasurably,

as they changed their mood track.

Lips parted, eyes still on each other,

she blossomed in his arms,

Her eyes displayed victory,

while her body turned slave to his charm.

RANDOMLY........

Randomly She Bites Her Lip, Hiding The Picture In Her Mind.
Randomly She Smiles, She Remembers Every Word He Said That Night.
Randomly She Stares At The Sky, She's Looking For The Star That They Shared That Night.
Randomly She Shivers, She Gets A Thought Of The Days That They Used To Fight.
Randomly She Cuddled To Her Pillow, She Misses His Feel She Knew It Was Just Right..
Randomly She Calls, She's Wanting To Hear Words Which They Shared All Night..
Randomly She Says Booo, She Wants Him To Get Surprised.
Randomly She Texts, Hoping He Would Respond The Same Way He Did Before,
Randomly She Cried, When He Didnt Care,
Randomly She Swore, When He Was Rude And Mean,
Randomly She Missed Him, Looking At Other Pairs,
Randomly She Loved Him, All The More Ever,
Randomly She Hated Him, For Leaving Her Alone,
Randomly She Waited, For Him To Call Back...
Randomly She Sat, Looking At Her Phone, Hoping A text Will Arrive, Stating, I Miss You Too, Please Come Back!

The Inseperables..!!!

            She sat on the stairs of her college, her hair flying in all the directions. Her cheeks pale because of the winter breeze. Tightly wrapped in a sweater and a jacket above it, muffler around her neck, a pair of gloves protecting her sensitive fingers. She sat there since the past half an hour, reading her current novel. Occasionally looking up to say hie and hello to her friends and aquaintances. They all knew she was waiting there for him. He was always late. She checked her watch and again patiently looked in the direction from where he'll come running and panting, saying sorry for a zillionth time, and then smiling, the smile she could wait for her entire life to see. Yes, it was that smile that made her wait so patiently for him always.

            They were best friends. Inseperable for the last 3 years. She secretly crushed on him and he crushed on every single girl in college except her! But he knew he couldnt live without her. The days when he broke off with some girl or had a new crush or took a new girl to date, he would tell her everything in detail... details no girl could handle but she did! She listened to them all, patiently, laughing all the time, not to hide her own feelings, but because they were so hilarious! She was the only thing constant in his life during all these years. She too was happy with just that. The fact that he called her up even at 4 o'clock, just to say he missed her! They truely were inseperables. Almost married to each other in a way no-one could understand.

            She spend more time at his place rather than her own. She was the one who trusted him and sat besides him when he learned driving and ventured out on the main road for the first time. The rear seat of his bike belonged to her. It was an unspoken rule no one could break. He planned surprises for her birthdays. She had her first sip of beer with him when she turned 18! She had her first drag of hukkah with him on her 19th birthday. She shopped for him whenever she went shopping and it worked vice-versa. She knew better than him about his choices and he knew hers. She learned biking with him and came to him in the wee hours when she first scrapped her knees and broke the head-light of her bike. They both had had a hearty laugh over it with cups of chai in their hand.

            During vaccations, his house was her home. She ate there, studied there, slept there. Watched movies, played games, went out on long rides and afternoon drives with him. He was her friend, best friend, brother, enemy, crush... all in one! If she was a social animal, he was a social monster! He had ten times more friends than hers and ended up talking to almost every second guy on the street. He was always late for movies. At first, she waited for him outside the theatre, but then, soon realized it was a bad idea, and went to watch the movie all alone, he always joined her after the first 10-15 minutes with the same smile on his face, and she couldnt be angry anymore!

            He was the hunk of her life... the ultimate hunk in her eyes! Yes, she told him that often and he couldnt stop blushing. He complimented her by calling her 'moti'! Yeahh, she was stick thin then, and would jump happily when she heard him calling her 'moti'! :P She sat listening to him sing for hours. He wasnt a good singer but enjoyed singing and had a great voice! Sometimes, when in the mood, she would even dance while he sang and then dance with him! Starting from ball dance, waltz, salsa, to even baraati dance! He was not as great dancer as her but was a quick learner and complimented her perfectly! Almost all their friends, except the close ones thought they were dating, she just gave them a smile when asked about it. He took the pain to clarify their misunderstandings.... but the misunderstandings and questions never ceased...so he too gave up!

             Eventually, she fell for other guys, and he for other gals as usual. She felt jealous everytime he got serious in a relationship and spend less time with her, and he felt insecure everytime she fell for a guy and couldnt stop raving about him and gave him less attention!

             But today, after 3 years, he still is her friend, best friend, brother, enemy, crush... all in one package! They both fall on each other in times of need and support and love. They both know, there is this one person on earth whom they can wake even at 4 am just to say, I miss you so much! I miss our old days!!... or just hug and cry for hours without giving the other person a reason!... or just go and sit infront of the other without saying a word and everything is understood!!

P.S. - Before anyone asks me, yes, the girl here is me and the boy is my bestfriend cum brother cum lover! And he is one of the few 'men' I have in my life...and will always have!!

JUST FRIENDS!! (Part III)

   "Sometimes it takes something really bad, for something really good to happen!"
She pondered over it, and just nodded with a smile. She was out of thoughts of her own but agreed to every single thought of his, not because it was HE who said them, but because it made sense. It was like, it was her thoughts flowing through his lips. She just stared at him.
He was amused, "Dont you wanna say something?"
She shook her head, "I like to listen to you!"
He blushed red. She forced herself to look away.

They were again sitting at Marine Drive today, doing nothing but staring at the sea and occasionally at each other. He being a nature-lover came here as often as he could, and she came here for reasons she herself could not define. Looking at him something stirred within her, but she knew that 'something' wasnt enough for everything that she wanted. Being with him cheered her up. He was on her mind all the time. Reading all her thoughts before she could open her mouth to say them.
   "Do you want to walk on those stones?"
She was shocked. He always did that. She was just looking at the stones, thinking she wanted to be there and he said it!

   Sitting on those stones suddenly took her in her past, those memories flashed by, she couldnt help it, they just came in any time these days. Just like the pop-up pages, they appeared unexpectedly, leaving her with saddening eyes burried in the earth and a lump in her throat. She wanted to run away from those memories, not because they were unpleasant or saddening, they were one of the most beautiful memories of her life, but because it reminded her of what she had left for something she could never have!

   "Somethings bothering you?? yes yes, it is. Tell me what it is?"
   "No, its nothing!"
She cursed herself! How could he read her mind. Was he a vampire? Like Edward...? Reading her mind?? But she was not Bella ofcourse, cz he 'could' read her mind!
   "No, I am not Edward, but I could be if you want me to be! But plz dont be Bella, I'll end up eating you! You are too delicious for me to resist!"
He gave her an evil smile. She just stared at him. Shocked. Blank. How could he?? How could he read her thoughts just like that?? He had been doing them since long time but this time it was just 'bang-on-target'!!!
   "Howw????"
   "Dont panic! I'll tell you what it is. Its very simple. The mind has a door which once opened can be read like an open book. And the door once opened can be walked in both the ways! So I have cracked your head and I know what you think. So dont panic, and change your expression, its frightening!"
   "whoaaa....!!"
They both had a hearty laugh over it. He was a physic, she thought to herself, a complete physic, and suddenly turning to him, scared he might read her mind again. But he was far away, somewhere she could never reach him. Although he was right besides her, she felt like she could not touch him now. He had drifted far away, in the ocean, and she was left behind on the shore. She wanted to be with him where ever he went, physically and mentally. She got jealous whenever he went away from her, physically and mentally. She thought of bringing him back by talking, but then suddenly realized that she was enjoying even the silence between them. It was so peaceful, so calm. She didnt need to talk, when with him. She just enjoyed the silence between them! He turned to her and asked,
   "You enjoy the silence between us, dont you?"
   "yes I do."
This time she didnt freak out. She knew he could read her mind, and there was no need to hide anything from him. She just could not. She could never hide anything from him. She closed her eyes and felt the breeze on her face and loosened her hair. She suddenly felt naked infront of him. Naked without being ashamed. Her mind and soul was standing naked in front of him. She had given her mind and soul to him. It no longer belonged to her, it were his now. She felt free. She felt good. She felt exhilarated.
   "John... I wanna listen to your music. The ones you made!"
   "Are you sure?"
   "yes yes yes!"
She nodded enthusiastically. The music was great. Exhilarating. Taking her to a completely new world which she never dreamt of! She experienced emotions through his music which she had never felt! She wondered if he will ever play something for her, suddenly conscious of her thoughts she stopped thinking, afraid of him reading them again. She just listened... and listened to more songs. Songs after songs, albums after albums! She explored something she always dreamt of! Yes, she thought to herself, music was her solace! His music! She smiled quietly.

It was at night at home that she pondered over everything that was happening in her life. Her life was very abstract now, (people called it messed up, but she liked the word abstract!) just like her conversations with John. Anyone listening to them could never make out the head and tail of their conversations but they knew very precisely what they were talking about. Her life had turned just like their conversations... abstract! Anyone else looking at her life could never know what was happening or what she wanted, it was only she who knew them, who understood them!

She knew she wanted John in her life but she knew he could never be hers the way she wanted him to be. They were just friends, very good friends and they will remain just like that forever! Someone who provided solace to one-another in times of needs. Their needs were again abstact. Only they could understand their needs without words. Words could never explain what they needed or how they felt. Words always betrayed them. She felt like an alien survivng on earth, and him, another alien. But dont two aliens surviving on the same planet make friends? It was just that what had happened!

.....just the beginning!! (Part II)

"Is there someone else?"

She didnt reply. None of them spoke. The silence was killing her. It was peircing her throat and she couldnt breathe. His eyes were fixed on her. He knew what the answer was, but was waiting to hear it from her, thinking, she may change her mind, she may prove him wrong. He wanted to be proved wrong. He wished he was wrong and she slap him for his ugly thoughts. But she didnt. She just didnt say anything. Nothing at all. He waited. It felt like eternity. He felt like shaking her wildly so as to make her speak. The silence was suffocating him. He couldnt stand it any longer. He asked again....

"Is there someone else you've been thinking of??"

This time she did speak. 

"Yes..."  

It was a loud whisper. Loud enough for him to hear it. He wasnt shocked or sad. He felt nothing. Nothing. He felt numb. He had no feelings left. Just numb.

"Who is he?"

His voice had no emotions left now. It was just a voice. A voice stiff as steel. A lifeless voice.

"John..."

Another loud whisper. He nodded. Her eyes never left the ground. 

"Since when.....?"

"Last month. You know whenever I went to hangout with him...."

He nodded again.

"So.... I guess, now there is no reason for us to be together anymore."

"No."

This time her voice was not a whisper. It was shaky. It was as if she was trying to hold back the lump forming in her throat. Her eyes still fixed to the ground, tears streaming down her cheeks. She didnt move. The only movement in her body was the tears running through her cheeks. They were out of control now and she didnt bother to stop them. None of them made efforts to hide the pain they felt.

"I wish you all the best with him... hope you find true love with him."

She shook her head, tears still blinding her view.

"No...." She managed without breaking her voice. She continued,

"....he has a gf. They are together for 4 years now. I am not doing this to be with him...!"

"ohh.. okay..."

He was clueless now. Still, the fact that she had made up her mind to end their one year long relationship was enough for him. He knew she woudnt change her mind with pleadings or persuasions. It never worked with her. She always made her decisions, no matter how weird or clueless they were.

He concentrated at her again. She still looked the same. Beautiful, just like she had been when he first saw her. He wondered what went wrong. He knew he'll never know. He still tried thinking. He could never figure her out... and today was just the same! She was shaking now. Tears covered her face, but still she looked beautiful, pure, untouched! 

He drew a step closer and held her in his arms. She was still shaking. He wondered why was he so calm. He was breaking up with the only girl he ever loved, and still he was calm?! But then, thats how things had always been when she was around. He always managed to surprise himself when with her. She was now sobbing uncontrollably. He did not stop her, just held her in his arms. He wondered again, maybe this was the last time he was hugging her.

"I.. am.. sorrryyy......"

Her muffled voice brought him back to reality. He just held her more tightly, feeling still no pain.

"Dont you hate me??" Her eyes were bloodshot.

"No." He shook his head. Smiled at her.

"All I want to say is.... Just dont mess up your life like this! Please... "

She still saw the same love in his eyes. She cursed herself!

"I've already messed it up...! No more!"

He nodded.

"Come.. let me drop you home!"

She walked back to the car silently, her hands locked in his. She wondered what made her feel so much more closer to him than in the last one year! She couldnt figure it out. She didnt need a reason. She just felt closer to him now.

"Are you still gonna talk to me?"

He started the engine and looked at her. She got her answer. 

They had overcome the biggest barier in a relationship. They no longer needed words to express themselves. Even though they broke up officially, they were now bound by a much powerful force of the universe. They both knew it was not the end... just the beginning of a new relationship between them. A relationship which didnt need any explaination, any name, any expectations! It was something between them today that they couldnt achieve in the past one year!

that Red sweater....! (Part I)

"I was expexting your text and you were expecting mine! Wow! Now we have expectations from each other..! Now, when did that happen?? ;)"

"Hehehe.. I guess the long walk yesterday did that!" she said giggling.

       She was talking to him with the enthusiasm which lacked while she spoke to her bf! They spoke about almost everything in d world..frm music, movies, emotions, frnds, hobbies, passions, career goals, experiences, views to just plain PJs with incessant energy n enthusiasm! They understood each other in silence. They didnt any longer need words to express themselves, just the look in their eyes did that. She hadnt met him long ago..no..hardly a few weeks with last saturday morning spent completely with him on marine drive n then loitering on the roads of colaba. She never thought getting lost on a random road in colaba could be so memorable..bt it was! 

         She was secretly feeling guilty for being so happy with another man and not her bf. She was secretly wishing if he could be her man. He would have been just 'perfect'! Tall, strong, smart, sensitive, intelligent, brilliantly brilliant, poet, guitarist, a sense of humor that could make her giggle more than anyone else. Just perfect in all senses! 

      

        She wanted to tell him that she was falling for his sincerity, honesty and brilliance. She, herself being a chatterbox, who couldnt keep quiet even for a mili-second when with her friends or bf, could spend hours listening to him speaking, just blankly looking to him and nodding, smiling once in a while, blushing if he said something about her, and just staring at him, with the pretence of listening to him, her eyes locked to his, not leaving his eyes even for a mili-second.

        Somewhere down there, she felt guilty for adoring him more than any guy in her life. She even posed for him when he asked her to, to click her pictures (she never did that for her bf! NEVER!). She told him everything without hesitating, everything.... except one thing - the fact that she had a bf! She felt guilty about being so close to him. She had no right to be so close to another man when she was already in a relationship with a guy for more than a year! 

       'Why now?' she wondered to herself often while thinking about him. Yes! these days she thought about him and not her bf! This disturbed her, she tried focussing her thoughts on her bf, but ended up comparing them both! John was better than her bf in every step! It made her sad, thinking why didnt she met him before. Thinking about her bf, her one year long relationship, the happy times, she strongly thought to herself, she wasnt going to let this sudden new feeling affect her one year long relationship!

         She had been having fights with her bf  right from the day she started spending time with John. She behaved arrogantly, rudely. Talking to him and suddenly going silent. When asked for a reason she simply cut the call. She was very different these days with her bf. She didnt like his company anymore! It was someone else that she was thinking of. Whenever her bf tried to ask her something, she fired at him verbally, making him quiet. It was not him that she wanted any longer! Later she felt guilty about her behaviour but was afraid of her true feelings coming out. She didnt want to hurt him either! He was a great guy, but............

         She told herself she wont meet John again, or reply back his texts, or talk to him for long hours, or hang out with him ever! She wasnt supposed to do all this! It was like a sin. She couldnt cheat on her bf! Neither could she break off with him.... after all she had met John just a month ago. She took a deep breathe and took her cellphone out. Yes, she would call her bf and say sorry for her recent behaviour. He will forgive her. They will be happy again. There was no place for John in her life... 

         Just when her cellphone beeped. It was John.
 "U free tomoro mornin??"
 she immidiately replied, "yup..m free! :)"

 "Joinin me tomoro @ marine drive? Early mornin... just lik last tym? ;)" 

 "oh sure! thts gr8! :D"

 "K.. wil pik u up frm ur place @ 6.30am! B ready..n b on tym!"

 "okay.. I'l b ready! :)"

 "cya tomoro den.. :)"

 "yep.. gn!"

 "btw... wear tht red sweater, its gonna b cold at tht tym, plus u look fab in it! :D"

 "okay! :D"

she blushed... forgot about the call she had to make. She headed to her wardrobe with a smile on her face... looking for that red sweater!!