I don't feel the same anymore. Its like a part of me has been washed away by the tides, and I'm left incomplete...never to feel complete again. Is it normal? I don't know.
I have some serious trust issues. I can't trust anyone. I always end up looking at everyone with suspecting eyes. Is this normal? I don't know. But I know something... I was never like this before. I used to trust people so easily and so completely. But now I don't. I don't want to blame anyone for the way I am now... Let's just say, my defence mechanism has taken the active front, and it doesn't let anything seep below my skin surface. It keeps everything from affecting me inside there. It keeps my feelings, emotions, heart...safe.
The defence mechanism is working great. I wish it came a little sooner, that way, it wouldn't have been such a big mess inside there.
I know you must be thinking I had a breakup... No, it wasn't a breakup. I don't know how to define it. I haven't been able to find the exact word for what it was. It seems silly at times, and I do laugh at myself...but I don't know why, the tears accompany my laughter. Maybe they too are being protective about my laughter...lest it too may disappear, just like my trust.
It is not such a big thing really. I should not give it so much of importance. Just forget about it. Ignore my own thoughts. After all, I knew what I was getting myself into...or maybe not.
Maybe I had forgotten the rules myself. I started playing the other way around. I should have played the game with my own black pieces. Black suits me. It kept me hidden in the shadows all these times. White is not really my colour. I should have never played the white colour. It made me forget it was a game. A chessboard game. A game filled with politics and manipulation. Where, 'checkmate' means I have the power to destroy you. And sometimes it has an added asterisk, where the terms and conditions apply. But we never read those terms and conditions , do we?
I don't know why I am writing this. I even don't know how long I will sob over this. Its been months now! But I hope to get over this soon. Very soon. Because every time I pick up my pen and sit down to write about something, I end up writing something like this...a sob story. And I hate sob stories. Which indirectly means, I'm hating myself right now. But its a phase... And this too won't last, just like the other things.
