November 24, 2012

A confession..

Posted by Darlings of Venus at 4:30 PM
            5 years back..
           "I still can't believe you said no" he told me over the phone.
            I knew this was a mistake. I should have never resumed talking with him. Not when I had broken his heart.
           "Tell me the truth. Did you say no under any pressure? Did anyone tell you something I don't know?" he persisted.
            "No.. I took this decision.. " I replied knowing that he winced on the other side.
            " I refuse to accept that I can be so wrong. I have seen it in your eyes. It can't  be all a mistake."
            "There's no point bringing it up now. I m already in a relationship." I finally told him.
            "What ? Who is he?" He asked in disbelief.
            I told him the name of my boyfriend.
            " I thought you were just getting me jealous!" he sighed.
            " That's not the way to go about it. I wish you knew. Anyway I will talk to you later." I said
            " No need.. I won't bother you again." He hung up coldly.
            7 years back
           He was my childhood friend's brother. We knew each other since childhood. His sister and I played together everyday. He was a few years older to us. I was in that age called teenage now. The hormones were totally guiding my actions. I did not think about the repercussions of those actions then. I was just flowing in the flood of emotions.
           It was apparent that we liked each other. He was one of my closest friends. Someone who always helped me with my assignments. Who shared his thoughts with me and vice versa. We used to stay up late at night talking while he completed his drawings. He was a superb artist. Something which was not encouraged at his home but plenty in mine! He was close to my parents. We bantered together with my family. We shared a lot of our time together although it was in the presence of others :)
           Looking back, there were plenty of hints dropped but a fear of direct confrontation. His gifts to me, although very simple had deeper meanings which he would tell me later. He saw things differently. An artist afterall! He once gave me a gift which symbolised loyalty, something which he told me when it was too late. I on  my part once dropped a greeting card on his birthday through his door. An anonymous card which he guessed was from me!
          We would play songs which we made sure the other person heard. WE would all the time write songs on the books we exchanged. We would never miss a chance to be at the same place.
          Then there came a summer which changed our equation. His parents were away and he was alone in his house for that period. He used to leave the keys to his house at my place and every evening when he came to collect the keys I would wait for him. I would then take tea for him (Which my mother would ask me to do) . I hardly stayed more than that but it was enough to get some tongues wagging.
          One afternoon while we were talking, he told me that he liked my cousin. Now this cousin was older to me and near by his age. He told me, "Her face inspires me to paint."
          I was heartbroken. Not that I was dying to be in a relationship ( I had not even given a thought to it!) but the very idea that he found someone else attractive while all the time I thought it was me was enough ! I made it a point to tease him about it but he thought jealousy was the sure sign that love exists. Sadly for me, jealousy turned me hostile. I stopped feeling the same about him.
         After his parents returned something happened. He stopped talking to everyone. Although my feelings had changed for him, I was hurt to lose a friend. I asked him several times but he refused to tell anyone.
        One afternoon, he came to talk to my father. I had started acting indifferent because he wouldn't talk to me anyway. When my father went into the kitchen, he dropped a chit for me. I carefully picked it up and read it later. It said he wasn't talking to me because of some problem with his family. He has no problem with me and he knows I will support him. He wanted me to keep the act on and talk only when we meet outside. He told me later that his family had heard rumors about us and wanted him to stop talking to me. In retaliation he had stopped talking to his family to let them realise how it feels!
       A new man entered my life. Someone who was a complete opposite to my friend. He thought that now I was the one who was making him jealous. He ignored my attachment with the new man in my life.
       After a few months of this incidence he proposed me. I refused.
       I realised he was not someone I wanted to be with. He was emotional kind of a person. Someone who values people more than money. His attitude is more suitable to be an artist but he got emotionally blackmailed into doing engineering by his parents and after he was done with his diploma he suddenly shifted to business. I wanted to be with someone more firm with his decisions. Someone who could stand his own. Someone who was worldly wise and would balance out the emotional me.
       True that I did lead him on but I could never have adjusted with him.
      A few months after his proposal, we shifted from that place. I could see it in his reddened eyes that he was still waiting for me but I had moved on in life.
      He was the last person to come to my housewarming and the quietest he had ever been. He had questions and his eyes couldn't hide it. I couldn't answer them all. I was a coward. I hurt the person who had gone out of his way to help me in whatever situation I was.

     5 years back when he asked me if I never had any feelings for him I could have told him I had. Substantiated what his heart always knew. But I refused to accept. Agreed to be tagged as someone who just lead him on to nothing rather than point out his faults. The reason was simple. I had done enough damage to someone who had genuine feelings for me.
    Present day..
    I still go to his house. I meet his parents and talk to his sister. He coolly ignores me. I tried to talk but he gives only monosyllable response. I m not  hurt. Ok maybe hurt to lose a friend but not hurt because he ignores me. It only means he hates me. Which is better than seeing the hurt. Which means he has moved on..
I m just guilty that he questioned his own gut feel. Maybe he will always do that in future..



Makk on November 25, 2012 at 1:46 AM said...

Well hating doesnt mean moving on.

As you said, he is not a firm kind person, thats his personal trait.

but the way you handled him. I think you might have handled you toy better then this in childhood.


Darlings of Venus on November 25, 2012 at 3:21 PM said...

@Makk: But hating sometimes is the first step to moving on..and moving on he has done. He is now with someone else..
I was an immature romantic fool then but to be true to myself, I hadn't imagined what a relation would be like.. Maybe it all happened at the wrong time and with the wrong person..

Nina on November 25, 2012 at 9:14 PM said...

Darlings of Venus, I think you're being too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes when we're young, and it is so clear that you didn't have any malicious intent. He himself didn't handle the situation too well either, frankly. Please don't blame yourself. I really do believe things work out for the best, even if it doesn't seem so at the time.

Also, I would encourage fellow readers to not be so judgemental! She has shown courage and guts by telling the truth, and she clearly feels bad about it. Let's not act like we've never hurt anyone or done something wrong.

Ritika on November 26, 2012 at 2:23 PM said...

I have been at your place and I completely understand why you did that.
You either want someone to take care of you or someone you can take care of :)

Darlings of Venus on November 26, 2012 at 7:11 PM said...

@Nina: Your words are very kind. I m not guilty of doing what I did with regards to not entering in the relation because I know it would have been a greater disaster. I shared it here because I did a mistake of getting into something I hadn't thought of and leading him the wrong way which eventually hurt him a lot.
I know I m very bad in his eyes but I did justice when I had the sense to either carry on or break it right there..

Darlings of Venus on November 26, 2012 at 7:18 PM said...

@Ritika: I was so skeptical before posting this but now I feel a little more comfortable after reading your comment :)

Afshan on November 26, 2012 at 11:23 PM said...

Its ok to some times be strong and take strong decisions like you did but always confrontation at the right time is better than being judgemental silently but ya good to see you moved on. Am sure when you are not around he is also progressing and moving on. Its just sudden appearance leads to embarrassment, to any one.
Keep blogging
good luck

Smita on November 27, 2012 at 7:37 PM said...

:-( lifereally teaches one a lot...and why does it has to play with hearts??? why

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