Confessions: I am rich, I want to be wealthy

I'm 30 (Yes! I don't feel the need to lie about me age because I feel sexier than ever). That's not the point here.

I came here to pen the thoughts that I am having for a while now.
Like every typical human being, who is running a rat-race called life, I did my Grad then Post Grad and got a lucrative job in a creme position, that pays something.

For me, money has never been a priority. Its important but was never topped my list
Off late I see people of my age or younger with so much materialistic pleasures.
Now I see myself wishing that I had more.

People say inner peace is important, but what if I already have inner peace.
What if I want materialistic pleasures now?

Like I am here, trying to save peanut skins out of the peanut size salary, and there I see people spending shit loads on things that they don't need.
I know a girl, who buys things from designer dresses to cars to compete with her peers and many a times doesn't even use those things, just throws it in 2 months.
And here I am, I use clothes for atleast a year, and keep it as a night-suit after it totally worn out

I don't want to think before spending.
I want to buy what i feel like instead of sighing and consoling myself 'Next month pakka i shall buy that"
I want to take a loan not because I need it I want to take a loan to save taxes
I don't want to give up all my pleasures once I start paying a big EMI
I want to take a vacation without planning a budget
I want a designer home, and not a DIY home
I want those fancy looking lights, a fountain and 3 maids to take care of my house.
I want to buy those organic stuff that are three times more priced than normal stuff
I want to go to Bora Bora and not drop my jaws seeing the ticket and the stay price
I want to work as a hobby and not just for money (though i love my job but in the end of the day its money)

When I stand in a petrol bunk, I see an Audi or a land cruiser, I do not see cars, I automatically see the down payment of the house I so wished was mine.

I went to a Louie Vuitton showroom out of curiosity and asked for the price of a dumb looking clutch. The attendant refused to tell me the price, it was insulting. it was as if "dude, you really think you can afford it?"
I was a bitch enough to not leave the store until I knew the price. And no surprises here, that dumb looking clutch was Rs. 59000/-
I mean I have no purse, worth a 5 digit figure.

I want to be wealthy

I want my signature to be an autograph

I know rich and wealthy is different.
I have a rich life, love, family, peace, smiles...now I want money too

#Happiness

This might not be a very long post.
This might not even be like a typical "Dee Dee post" but this post is something that I feel deep within

I was sitting alone in a cafe, and was thinking to myself  (People who think why I was alone in a cafe, well I like some time out for myself to put my thoughts in words)

Today, like this phase in my life right now

I'm at peace..yes, really I'm at total peace

Serendipity at its best

I'm at peace with my family

I'm at peace with being single

I'm in peace with my accident

I'm at peace with my not-so-skyrocketing career

I'm at peace with my achievements, my failures

I'm at peace with my imperfections

I'm at peace with my lost relationships

I even tweet quotes, when I read them back I seriously wonder "woow, did i seriously write that?"
and man..it really feels good..

I don't say I don't have mood swings,
I still have my flaring tempers and sometimes bouts of tears, but its just human nature..isn't it?

I still don't know what I want in life, I'm still as aimless as I was 10 years back
But, now it just feels like its meant to be..

It is just a beautiful feeling to be best friends with yourself and best friends with your life.
The whole world starts to look as awesome as it could be..

There was a time in life, when I had everything I wanted, a boyfriend, lot of friends, lot of money but something was missing..I wasn't really happy...

Now, I don't have so many things..no boyfriend, all married friends, depleting bank balance, but it just feels contented and its very liberating in some ways

There comes a point in life where you feel complete..
This is my moment of feeling truly complete, my moment of ease..

What if it doesn't?

12/12/12, 6:15 am

"Yes, Akanksha. I love you too."
"Sonu! Sonu, Sonu. SONU! Wake up.  6:30! College nahi jaana?"
"Haan? Haan!"

Waking up like everyday, I don my bathrobe, step out on the chilling tiled bathroom floor, and start to brush. And as usual get lost thinking about him. Thinking about him sort of helped me learn heightened multi-tasking. I think about him all day long without forgetting to do any of the jobs that I do. He's more like a daily routine now, than a desire.

12/12/12 9:00 am

"AKANKSHA! Where are you off to, man?"
"I'm coming. Need to wish Satya and Shiraz luck. They have their juries."
"Bah!"

12/12/12, 9:02 am

"Tambi! All the best man!"
 As usual turning around to exit to the ground floor through my favourite staircase, I see him. I finally saw him, after two weeks. Two long weeks of not seeing the sole reason why my college looked pretty.
That jacket. I'd seen that jacket. On Facebook. His favourite picture of mine. He's the single most beautiful mark I'd ever seen. Of the fear of bumping into him, I turned around, and spent yet another unnecessary minutes with Satya, trying to understand her model.

20/12/12, 2:30 am, Yet another night.

After slogging myself for yet another night, I finally hit the bed.
*sounds of walls crashing, glasses breaking and trees burning*

"Have you seen him? HEY! Have you seen him somewhere? Did you find him?"
"Akanksha, don't go on the second floor. It's all burning."
"Hello! Is anybody there? Hello?"

"Akanksha? Is that you?"
And seeing him I happily flock towards him like a puppy, and jump into his embrace.

"What're you still doing up here? You could have died!"
"I was looking for you. I couldn't find you." Even with the world ending, I could only hear his voice instead of the crackling glasses. I shook my head like a confused puppy.

"What?"
"Yes. The world's ending. I wanted to be with you in my last few minutes left."
"So do I. So do I. I love you. I always have. Since the day I first saw you in college."
"As I love you."
"Really?"
"Yes, Akanksha. I love you too."

"Sonu! Sonu, Sonu. SONU! Wake up.  6:30! College nahi jaana?"

*Sigh* "Haan? Haan!"

A confession..

            5 years back..
           "I still can't believe you said no" he told me over the phone.
            I knew this was a mistake. I should have never resumed talking with him. Not when I had broken his heart.
           "Tell me the truth. Did you say no under any pressure? Did anyone tell you something I don't know?" he persisted.
            "No.. I took this decision.. " I replied knowing that he winced on the other side.
            " I refuse to accept that I can be so wrong. I have seen it in your eyes. It can't  be all a mistake."
            "There's no point bringing it up now. I m already in a relationship." I finally told him.
            "What ? Who is he?" He asked in disbelief.
            I told him the name of my boyfriend.
            " I thought you were just getting me jealous!" he sighed.
            " That's not the way to go about it. I wish you knew. Anyway I will talk to you later." I said
            " No need.. I won't bother you again." He hung up coldly.
           
            7 years back
           He was my childhood friend's brother. We knew each other since childhood. His sister and I played together everyday. He was a few years older to us. I was in that age called teenage now. The hormones were totally guiding my actions. I did not think about the repercussions of those actions then. I was just flowing in the flood of emotions.
           It was apparent that we liked each other. He was one of my closest friends. Someone who always helped me with my assignments. Who shared his thoughts with me and vice versa. We used to stay up late at night talking while he completed his drawings. He was a superb artist. Something which was not encouraged at his home but plenty in mine! He was close to my parents. We bantered together with my family. We shared a lot of our time together although it was in the presence of others :)
           Looking back, there were plenty of hints dropped but a fear of direct confrontation. His gifts to me, although very simple had deeper meanings which he would tell me later. He saw things differently. An artist afterall! He once gave me a gift which symbolised loyalty, something which he told me when it was too late. I on  my part once dropped a greeting card on his birthday through his door. An anonymous card which he guessed was from me!
          We would play songs which we made sure the other person heard. WE would all the time write songs on the books we exchanged. We would never miss a chance to be at the same place.
          Then there came a summer which changed our equation. His parents were away and he was alone in his house for that period. He used to leave the keys to his house at my place and every evening when he came to collect the keys I would wait for him. I would then take tea for him (Which my mother would ask me to do) . I hardly stayed more than that but it was enough to get some tongues wagging.
          One afternoon while we were talking, he told me that he liked my cousin. Now this cousin was older to me and near by his age. He told me, "Her face inspires me to paint."
          I was heartbroken. Not that I was dying to be in a relationship ( I had not even given a thought to it!) but the very idea that he found someone else attractive while all the time I thought it was me was enough ! I made it a point to tease him about it but he thought jealousy was the sure sign that love exists. Sadly for me, jealousy turned me hostile. I stopped feeling the same about him.
         After his parents returned something happened. He stopped talking to everyone. Although my feelings had changed for him, I was hurt to lose a friend. I asked him several times but he refused to tell anyone.
        One afternoon, he came to talk to my father. I had started acting indifferent because he wouldn't talk to me anyway. When my father went into the kitchen, he dropped a chit for me. I carefully picked it up and read it later. It said he wasn't talking to me because of some problem with his family. He has no problem with me and he knows I will support him. He wanted me to keep the act on and talk only when we meet outside. He told me later that his family had heard rumors about us and wanted him to stop talking to me. In retaliation he had stopped talking to his family to let them realise how it feels!
       A new man entered my life. Someone who was a complete opposite to my friend. He thought that now I was the one who was making him jealous. He ignored my attachment with the new man in my life.
       After a few months of this incidence he proposed me. I refused.
       I realised he was not someone I wanted to be with. He was emotional kind of a person. Someone who values people more than money. His attitude is more suitable to be an artist but he got emotionally blackmailed into doing engineering by his parents and after he was done with his diploma he suddenly shifted to business. I wanted to be with someone more firm with his decisions. Someone who could stand his own. Someone who was worldly wise and would balance out the emotional me.
       True that I did lead him on but I could never have adjusted with him.
     
      A few months after his proposal, we shifted from that place. I could see it in his reddened eyes that he was still waiting for me but I had moved on in life.
      He was the last person to come to my housewarming and the quietest he had ever been. He had questions and his eyes couldn't hide it. I couldn't answer them all. I was a coward. I hurt the person who had gone out of his way to help me in whatever situation I was.

     
     5 years back when he asked me if I never had any feelings for him I could have told him I had. Substantiated what his heart always knew. But I refused to accept. Agreed to be tagged as someone who just lead him on to nothing rather than point out his faults. The reason was simple. I had done enough damage to someone who had genuine feelings for me.
   
    Present day..
    I still go to his house. I meet his parents and talk to his sister. He coolly ignores me. I tried to talk but he gives only monosyllable response. I m not  hurt. Ok maybe hurt to lose a friend but not hurt because he ignores me. It only means he hates me. Which is better than seeing the hurt. Which means he has moved on..
I m just guilty that he questioned his own gut feel. Maybe he will always do that in future..

     
            

I Believe

Few years ago, I had lost everything in life. Work was fucked, family life was unstable and my love life was in the dumpsters. When I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I decided that no, I'm not gonna give up. I did not want to succumb and live like a loser. The day I realised that, I wrote this. Sometime in 2010. And since that day on I have only bounced back. Nobody came to support me back then and people were only hurling phrases like 'let go', 'forget it' etc etc. But I believed in myself. I decided that I'll make peace with the melancholy and not ignore it. I then accepted the situation and worked my way out of it. 

And here I am today, almost 2 years later. I have a job that I love, a supporting family and the love of my life to whom I'm getting married soon. Life seems like a fairy tale today. The only way I get to appreciate it is because of the past. I'm glad I held on to myself and crawled back into sanity and then to happiness. Else, I wouldn't be around to write this. Not today, not then.

Believe in yourself. No one and nothing else matters. So here we go, 'I Believe'.

Kept on wondering

When I'll be free

I wanted to live

I wanted the happiness key

Love and joy

Was always around

I failed to see

How could it be

The sun's shining bright

There will be no fright

There will be smiles

Through the day and the night

I am the change

I wanted to see

No one owns me

No he or she

Hurt, tears and pain

Its all comes in vain

They come in herds

I'm done with these words

When I feel like I've had enough

I feel like giving it all up

But my will is as strong as it can be

Now nothing can stop me

Deep in my heart

There is no doubt

When love comes again

I'll go reaching out

I will stand tall

And make myself proud

Now, I only see the silver linings

And not some damned cloud

Unhappy is not the way

That I want to leave

I'll get it all

In me, I believe

~ Soumya

Fairytale

Dear Bauji,

Yes, I still call you that Papa, haven't you noticed? I remember I was 6 when you'd said you hated the word "Papa" and wanted me to call you Bauji. And so I did, to make you happy. Now I am grown up, but there were times, when I used to get scared if I called you Papa.

How are you? I know you are stressed but I also know you wouldn't share why? Do you know how old I am? No? Umm, do you know I want to become a writer?

You asked me to jump off the building, cause I wasted my time.

It’s been so long that we have spoken like civilized human beings that I don’t remember what it felt like listening to you speak softly. Do you know how it felt when you said I was mentally unfit and I must be thrown out? I remember that was the first time I screamed at you, because you put me through emotional stress, so much so that my teachers begged you to let me off. I am still struggling to think whether I am normal. 

Image Source:  luckymonsters.piczo.com

It’s been a week that you’ve spoken to me. Why? Because I answered back to you? Because I keep doing that quite often? Because I’ve had to take up the responsibility of speaking for everyone and now I’ve no control on what I say? Was it my mistake that I am fat? I know you are concerned, but you see me work hard towards losing it, does it make no difference to you?

Was it my mistake that I blacked out? I was hungry for more than 24 hours! Did you see that? You were concerned? That’s not how I have heard anyone else’s father talk when their daughters are unwell. I’ve come to accept that you are not expressive, but is it an excuse enough to stop talking to me?

You know, it hurts real bad to be in an abusive relationship. Yes, emotionally abusive. You hurl insults at me without bothering what they do to me. Have you wondered why I don’t make friends or don’t stick together? Because I let them control me. I let them bully me, just for approval. Because I am deprived of love – love which only a father could give. Why do you think, I let guys fall for me?? Because, somewhere deep down in my heart, I expect them to respect and love me, the way you should. Which father treats his daughter the way you do? Why when everyone has faith in me, you don’t? Why have I never heard you say – I am so proud of you! Why do I always see that underlying suspicion in your eyes – You wasted my money. Why, why don’t you listen to me when I say I am scared of people, of situations and my insecurities? Why don’t you believe in me, that I will get a job which will keep your nose in the society? Why is it so hard for you to bear me around you, when it’s not been even a month?

Image Source:  guardian.co.uk

Papa, I’ve always done what you’ve asked me to. I gave up on my dream to be a designer for something you approved of. You didn’t talk to me for three days then. Remember? I never went out to meet my friends because you didn’t like it. Because you wanted them to come to our place, every time. Friendship is reciprocating – but how will you understand? You say you cannot be my friend – I don’t ask you to be – but dad, sometimes, there are things, which I cannot discuss with Maa, like my job or career and I would need confidence to take a step. You say, I will only be planning. But do you realize you don’t let me make mistakes. You make it hell for me for a single slip up. I know I didn’t score well, but you forgot how this year had been? You forgot how I battled with college, detentions, maa’s health and house work and yet, managed to write an exam which would decide my fate? Are you not a bit happy that at least I cleared?

You say things which people say you don’t mean. I have believed that for past 24 years. That someday, someday, I will get your approval. What do you have in mind, dad? That I earn 50,000/- bucks so that you can tell everyone? But dad, are you not happy with the way I am?Dad, did you know I write? Do you know I sketch really well? Have you noticed the things I write? I remember you read my poem once without asking. You didn't notice it was for you, but you said I was dark and a loner. Ever thought why? You never fail to remind me how my friends are better looking than I am or how they are already earning. Have you not noticed the appreciation or prizes I win for sketching? Or may be, they are as useless as you say they are.

Image Source:  secret.extrarisk.com

Remember, when I had to take counseling? For emotional sustenance? My counselor said I was mature and had seen things throughout childhood and hence, it is all right to be insecure. But do you realize, how worthless I feel when you say - Oh, whatever. You don't understand what an insecurity is, do you? Ever after I told you, it made no difference. I gave you a letter, a card appreciating you – I was delusional that things between us, after 13 years, were all right. How wrong you’ve proved me! You scold me for things which I don’t do and you know that. It’s painful to be at home where you don’t feel at home at all. Mom has asked me to leave for my own good – and I hope I do that. Do you notice my lack of sleep in the nights or that I keep trying to make peace? Do you notice how much I struggle to see you smile? You say you cannot change the way you are. But are you really this way? Do you really don't like what I say or do?

You know how I wish to die every day, because I cannot bear to see you like this? How did I become so Love-Deprived Papa? Why am I not satisfied even though there are people who love me? Why do I seek to be an Adrenaline Junkie, when I could just talk to you and let out my frustration? Why am I reminded of how much you spent on me when I was born? I would have died if you wouldn't have. And if you wouldn't have, how would that make you my father? Once okay, twice I ignored and thrice? Is it really such a set back? You know I spoke to Maa and cried. She said I was strong and shouldn't cry. Now, where should I go Dad? I am "strong", "mature" I talk too much, I am arrogant, I am useless, I am fat and I am nothing that you want me to be - yet, are you not my father? Are you not someone, who is so much like me and yet, nothing like me. I yearn for a life Papa, which would be happy. 

Image Source:  drkarendunn.wordpress.com 

Ask people who know me, how sad I am - loner and desperate for attention. Why Papa? Why am I like this? And if you can't bear me, so much, why would anyone else take the pain to understand and listen to me everyday? People tell me I am wayyy too serious in life - because I didn't learn to be not serious. You never let me make a mistake. You expect me to be perfect. My teachers knew me better than you did and you - you never cared to ask why I was so timid in school. 

I hear you speak when your lips don't move, but you don't even listen to me when I speak out loud.

I don't want to say it, but I am depressed. I told you I was but you rubbished it. Your lack of confidence in me is heart breaking. You don't see how it hurts when you mention bro's stellar academic record and skill fully skip mine. I embarrass you dad, don't I? Yet, I hope that someday, someday soon - you will find a way to accept me the way I am. But you know Papa, sometimes, this hope fades away. Like now... Yet, I write this, in hope to put across what I feel.

Do you love me Papa? Do you hate me? Am I anything you wanted?

Someday, I will be.

I still love you,

The Most Imperfect Daughter

PS: I don't intend to make anyone sad through this post. If I might have, please bear with me.
PPS: I had come across emotional abuse mostly between partners and this is an attempt to understand how a child in parent-child relationship gets affected when subject to emotional abuse.

TOUGH DECISIONS

...........Sometimes you have no explanations for your actions

The world seemed to stop turning for her. Her first crush, the guy who has been evading her dreams for three years, had finally proposed to her. He was the one she was saving herself for. She was a girl who had the world at her feet. Still she has rejected innumerable proposals even though she knew that he was committed, that he loved her girl a lot and he could never be hers. Still she had kept her hopes high. Somewhere she had read that if you have a crush on someone for more than 4 months, you are definitely in love with that person. She has now been in love for three years. She has realised what she felt for him was something real, something more than just a little teenage fantasy. She could not just stop thinking about him.

The first time she heard his name, a bell rang in her ears. She didn’t know why, it was a pretty common name. As soon as she heard his name being called, she reflexively started shifting her eyes from here and there trying to get a glimpse of him. Then she was in first year of her college. He was a year senior. She didn’t get to see him. She didn’t know why she remembered his name even a few days later.

Second year, she had forgotten that incident, she had forgotten him. But when she received a text message one evening which said she had been assigned a project with him as her direct mentor, her heart skipped a bit. Was it destiny? There was meeting that day where all the second years were supposed to be introduced to the mentors. She was excited. She went there and sat silently, one amongst the timid juniors, her eyes scanning everywhere for him. But he wasn’t there. She didn’t know the names of any senior out there, but she knew that none of them was him, else she would have known. She was upset.

He did come to the meeting, a little late though. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. She was scared of him though, she didn’t know why. Maybe because he seemed too serious, too simple, the no-nonsense type. She didn’t talk to him, but she just couldn’t get him out of her mind. While leaving the meeting room she even turned back to get a glimpse of him. Her feelings were getting stronger, she didn’t know why.

Few months of work and the boundary between them started fading. Any work he got, he used to transfer them to her. Any problems she faced, she used to go to him. The fear she had started shedding off. She started liking his simplicity, his indifference, his carefree-ness. They went past the professional barriers and became friends. He too started relying a lot on her.

She learnt that he had a girl-friend, he loved her a lot. Her dreams and hopes were shattered. She had never let him know about her feelings. She tried dumping her feelings; she tried moving away from him. But she didn’t know why she couldn’t get away.

She met another guy. She got into a relationship with him. She loved him passionately. She decided never to think about her mentor again other than work.

One day, from nowhere he came back, back in her life. All her determination shattered. She just couldn’t let him go. He was in a mess with his relationships and everything else. He tried getting closer to her, she let him. They grew very close to each other. All barriers were broken between them. She let him intrude into her territory. In the mornings, she felt guilty. She hated herself. She was being with two guys at the same time-One with who, she was in a committed relationship, the other who was just a close friend. He had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend- but none of that seemed to matter then.

A few months later, her relationship died. In the meantime he had got closer to his girlfriend. She was sad. But she couldn’t say anything, he was just a friend, whatever was between them didn’t have a name. Whenever she saw him with his girlfriend, she could feel herself turning cold, her heart ached, she couldn’t bear to see him with another girl. She tried staying away from them. But the girl seemed to pop up everywhere. Wherever she went, whatever she did, his girl was everywhere. She was starting to lose it all, She felt as if she was going into a deep dark depression.

In third year, she realised that nothing was worth this pain; she had to get out from it all. Her broken relationship and the indifference of her crush were eating her from inside. She couldn’t ignore either of them, but she realised she had to stay away from both of them. She got herself busy in other obsessions. For all the work related problems she faced, she didn’t go to him; she tried solving them herself.

Few months later she has moved on. She didn’t feel pain in seeing him with his girlfriend, though it did hurt her a little. Things started getting better between them. She was getting to know him better. She realised he wasn’t serious about his girlfriend, he was trying to get closer to her, she was letting him. Sometimes she felt his indifference towards her also. Still she couldn’t love him less.

After the submission of their project paper, he took her to a restaurant where he popped the question. He told her how much she meant, to him, that he has met no one like her. He told her that he could open as frankly before her as his best friend, he couldn't do that before anyone else. Her heart stopped beating; she didn’t know what to reply. This was what she had wanted for three years; this was what she was struggling for. After a long pause, she replied- ‘No, I am sorry.’

As she was returning back that night, she didn’t know why she said that, but she felt a strange calmness surrounding her...

P.S- I know I have been MIA for long, but darlings, I am going through a tough phase in life and so can't keep up with much of blogging. But I promise I will be back soon...

Mistress of the Universe?

Blessed Be My Darlings! 

Remember Me? Not wondering where I've been? I have no idea where I am and what I am doing. I am not even lazing around, but I not even climbing mountains or parting rivers. My vanity has been now addressed publicly as an issue of grave human behavioral threat and I am trying my best to get over myself. Not getting what I am sayin'?

Self`-con`ceit´ed 

Adj. 1. self-conceited - characteristic of false pride; having an exaggerated sense of self-importance; (From http://www.thefreedictionary.com )

a.1. Having an overweening opinion of one's own powers, attainments; vain; conceited. (Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary)

Exactly my point. I have a disease now, that this word suggests. I am vain and I give myself wayyyyy too much importance, than is necessary. So, help me please. I am not afraid to go to the root of this issue, and if I can get some suggestions here, I am more than happy to oblige.

Image Source: cartoonstock.com

1. I am big - in size. So are many people. But God has gifted me with a pretty face. I hide my loathing for my own body by enhancing what I have. My face. I know, I look good. If I talk about how my new hair cut suits me, does that make me, vain?
2. I am the oldest child, like many others here - I've always tried to learn quickly, be the responsible one...unconsciously may be, I don't know. Therefore, there are some things, I do better than the others I stay with, who are younger than I am. If I need a bit of appreciation, is that wrong?
3. I was ignored and intimidated as a kid. Not intentionally of course. I was bullied in school when I was younger, rather I was a timid child. I had no friends. Now that I do, I tend to talk about myself, so that the attention doesn't disappear. Do I have an ADD*?
4. I am ready to change. So when you are talking and I am not listening, you can ask me, with love of course, to stop. Tell me, that I am doing that thing again. Believe me, I will stop. Make me feel like you are there for me, even when I am not talking, show me that you are interested in me and not what I've achieved. Be patient with me. If you are my friend, you will understand.
5. I crave for attention. I never got it before. I never had balls to go out there and stand up for myself. I have always been too self - conscious. I talk about myself and I talk a lot, just to make myself feel better. It's that simple. Be patient with me. I am learning to love myself and not depend on you.
6.What or who you were as a child, doesn't define you anymore. Something I am learning. Just be with me. Help me believe in myself. And tomorrow, you may feel proud of me, that you made me become a better person.
7. Don't get mad at me if I don't listen to you. Realize, I am dealing with an issue - about myself. Once again, I may happen to not listen to you. Ask me to stop, patiently or ask me to listen to you. I will make an effort, I promise.

Image Source: cartoonstock,com

I am writing this, because off late, a lot of people have told me that I only talk about myself and what is happening in my life. I also sometimes, interrupt ongoing conversations to make my point. Since the time I've been told this, I find myself doing it more. Or may be, I am just becoming conscious of the fact that I am indeed doing it. I have been feeling quite awful and feel confused about how I must talk without sounding like I am vain. Help?

Story to Tell !

Who was your hero when you were 5? Who was the first man you have known to ‘be a man’? Who was your inspiration when you were young? For most girls, the answer is ‘Father’.

Was it the same for me? Absolutely, yes!! Every girl loves her father. At some point of time in her growing years, she wanted her to be partner to be like him. She sees so many good things in him. She is the apple of his eyes and he is her only Hero. Was it the same for me? Answer is still a big ‘Yes’.

But from then on to her early teens now. She now understands the cruelty of the world. She now sees thing which makes her realize the world is not that beautiful s it seem to be. She realizes her ‘Hero’ has some flaws. Some good some bad childhood memories are stuck in her mind. She was sleeping. Suddenly, she woke up with the sound of glass breaking. She woke up with a shock. What she sees after waking up is more shocking to what she heard. Her mother is crying. Its quite understandable from the look of his father ace that he hit her and threw something at her which made the wall clock coming down and breaking it. She was scared to open up her eyes. She closed her eyes and pretended to be still asleep. She didn’t want to see what was happening. She wanted to pretend like it never happened. She was so young to understand that merely closing the eyes won’t remove the memory from her heart and mind.

Its dinner time. Mom is serving dinner and Dad is eating in a plate. Dad is unhappy about something. He tells something to Mom who is in the kitchen. Mom is also upset and answers angrily from the kitchen. Dad didn’t like whatever she said and threw the plate against the wall in the hallway. All the curry in the plate is on the floor now. The sound of the plate banging on the wall still rings in her ears sometimes. Dad didn’t say a word, he got up and went to his room. She was left with a crying mom who was cleaning the floor and crying.

It’s a lazy Sunday morning. She is supposed to study for her pre boards exam of class 10^th. Yes, she is growing up and becoming mature. Suddenly, she hears some loud voices from Mom and Dad’s room. She gets up from the bed and goes to the hall connecting her parents room to her room. She sees Mom going out of the home saying loudly that she won’t come back to home. Her Mom is saying “I don’t want to live with you. You go and live with that other woman”. She is frozen to the core. She cannot believe what she has just heard from her own Mom. Mom is saying all kinds of things. She is saying “I wont come back. I’ll do something to me, something you will repent all your life”. Mom opens the main door and goes out. She gets scared to her soul. She doesn’t want her Mom to do anything wrong in anger. She follows her Mom. Mom starts walking on the road. She is still in her night dress. She doesn’t have the courage to go up-to her mom and tell her that Mom its okay, I am with you. She is still in shock. But for now she just wants to make sure that her Mom doesn’t do anything stupid. She only want her Mom well being. She follows Mom. Mom needed some time to cool off and after about an hour, Mom enters a family friend’s house. She follows her there. Mom was surprised to see her there but Mom was so devastated at that point that Mom just cries sitting on the couch of uncle’s house. First time she was seeing her Mom so weak. Mom told the whole story to her uncle. How Dad is cheating on Mom. How Mom has been keeping up with him only for the sake of her and her siblings. How Mom has been hiding all this from her. How she was getting hurt all along but still was keeping mum so that children can have a happy family. How Mom had caught Dad red handed. How Dad has promised Mom to end his extra marital affair and begged for Mom’s forgiveness. How Mom has given him a second chance which Mom found out only today was a big fat lie. All this was a shock to her. She was only 15. She didn’t know what to do in the situation. She didn’t know how her Dad can cause so much hurt to her own mom. She couldn’t help feeling guilty that her mom was bearing all this just because of her and her siblings. She knew she cannot cry in front of her Mom. She knew that she had to give strength to her mom. She knew she had to be the emotional strength of her Mom but other than that she was clueless. She didn’t have the courage to go up-to his dad and ask him why has he done all this. She didn’t have the guts to tell her mom to move out of the house as she knew Dad is the sole bread owner of the family. She hated her helplessness at the moment. She decided that she has to finish her studies as soon as possible and be financially independent so that she could tell her Mom to leave Dad and live separately if she wants. She wanted to start earning so that she could ask her Mom to leave the home and stay with her.

It was Holi day. Dad and Mom were out playing holi in the neighborhood. She was alone in the house. Memories of the dreadful day flashed her mind. She decided to go through Dad’s phone. She opened the images folder and saw few pictures of her Dad with the other woman. She decided to make a copy of the pictures. She was angry and hurt. She still didn’t have the courage to confront her father. Since childhood he had been an inspiration for her. In a moment all of it was vanished. Only thing left was anger. She wanted to show the pics to father and confront him but somehow decided otherwise to keep the harmony in the family.

Its a Saturday. Dad is getting ready to go to Work. Phone rang, mom picked up, no reply. Again it rang, she picked and nobody spoke. It happened about 4-5 times. Mom disconnected the cord. From the look of Mom’s face, she understood who it was. Dad was showing no reaction. There was not a single sign of anxiety/shame/stress on Dad’s face. Dad was either too shameful or too shameless… She couldn’t take it anymore. Drops of tears rolled down her cheeks. Dad came to her and asked what had happened, why was she crying? She didn’t answer. Somehow she could tell her Father how hurt she was because of all this. Dad asked again. He sensed that she is upset because of the phone calls. He made an affectionate face and told her that he has nothing to do with the phone calls. This statement just pushed her off the limits. She could not stand her own Dad doing something wrong and then telling lies on her face. She got up from bed, opened her cupboard and brought the copy of pic she made from Dad’s phone. She showed him the pics. Dad was frozen. He was blank. He was numb. He saw the pics, then saw her daughter, got up and went straight out of the home. She was still feeling miserable.

She was out with friends. She returned home just now. She entered and heard Mom and Dad shouting. She saw her sister standing in front of Mom guarding her from Dad. Dad was about to hit Mom. She didn’t say a word. She moved mom to the other room. Mom didn’t say a single word. For the first time, Mom saw her daughters taking her side in front of Dad. She was feeling as if thousands bomb have exploded in her heart. For a moment Dad was shocked too. But soon enough he gained his senses and asked her to not to interfere in their matter. He told her whatever he has done to her Mom is between them and she doesn’t have any right to speak in between them. She was very angry on this remark. She wanted to just run away from the home. She wanted to never see THIS Man’s face. But, she was now mature enough that she knew she needs to become something to do that. She knew she cannot run away from home as she has no other place to go. She knew why her mom was suffering yet keeping her shut up on this issue. She understood she needs to become financially independent in order to take care of her Mom. She knew she is helpless. Her helplessness made her more miserable.

Today, she is financially independent. She doesn’t take anything from her Dad. She earns her own livelihood. But situations have changed, Mom has forgiven her Dad and moved on with the life, or may be Mom is doing this for the sake of her younger brother so that he may have a family and not two separated parents…. For now Mom looks happy living in the same house.. She just wish that someday she may talk to her Mom about all this and ask her why she suffered so much for her sake, why she still is with Dad?? May be Mom has forgiven her Dad, but she can never forgive him the pain it has caused to her in that young age, she hates her Dad for not being a good husband. She likes her Dad as a businessman, as a father, as a son, as a smart, hardworking guy, but she can never like as a person. She knows that she is good in so many cases but in some he failed terribly and it still hurts whenever she thinks of all those things.. She still has so many questions for her father to answer. She is still waiting for an apology from her Father for all the hurt……

MY FIRST MAN!! :)

            I hugged him tight as tears rolled down my cheeks. The train gave a long hoot and slowly started moving away. “I don’t want to go”, I whispered. “You HAVE to go. Go and build a wonderful career. You HAVE to do this without me. Without US”, he said and turned away to wipe his tears.

          “All the best, paapu”, he said and watched me hop on to the train. I stood at the door, waving my hand at him, bidding him a goodbye. His eyes, they spoke everything. I have big eyes, just like him. I have his teeth, elongated and pointed teeth. I have his nails. I have his color. Wheatish. I have his qualities, I sing, I write. He does them too. I’m short-tempered, so is he. I’m courageous and bold (if someone had gone through what I went through, they would have quit college long back. It took a lot of courage to stand up to people and prove myself right.) The courage and that thing to ENDURE people, especially bad ones are from him. He has endured more of such things in life. The way I sit, the way I pick my spoon to eat, the posture I sleep in, the way I twitch my face and look up at the sky when I laugh, it’s all HIM. I’m the Daddy’s girl!!

            He was the first man to hold me in his arms. The first man to touch me. “Ap-pa”, I must have fumbled when I was a baby and I can imagine how overjoyed he must have been that day.

“Appa, do a jeeeeeeeeeee-jhik”, I would ask. A Jeeeeeeeeeeee-Jhik meant, he would throw me high up in the air and catch me. He would repeat this until I’d ask him to stop it!!

Up in the air and he would never let me fall. He would hold me before I could fall. Maybe, as a kid, I trusted my dad so much that I knew he would never let me fall.

          “Appa, I have a doubt in these allied angles. Can you explain them to me now?”, I asked him when I was in fifth grade. It was 3 AM. “Now? Its 3 AM”, he said rubbing his eyes and looking at the clock. Nevertheless, he immediately recalled I had an exam coming up in the morning and sat up all night with me to teach me allied angles. My Math Whiz Dad!! :P 

          “Look at this”, he said, waking me up one fine morning. “Look AT THIS”, my paapu’s photo is in this newspaper. “WHAT!”, I said throwing myself up from the bed. I could see my dad’s face beaming. I was one among the toppers in my tenth boards and my photo was in the newspaper. He was flaunting it to my mom – “my daughter”, he said. He used to stay up with me all night while I studied for my boards, because I just couldn’t study alone. He would do little things like making coffee for me, playing the radio so that I don’t fall asleep, keeping me company whenever I felt bored of answering ‘model question papers’. All of this, in spite of working all day long in office. I don’t know how he managed to do that.

          “Appa, are you sure I can do this? I’m kind of scared”, I had told him. “Of course you can. I’m right behind you”, he said and wrapped his arms around mine and turned on the accelerator. It was my first scooty lesson. Dad had insisted I take a scooty to college. At some point, I remember, I had put on the brakes with the accelerator turned on. I fell and he fell with me. We both were bruised. Badly. Yet, he never stopped giving me driving lessons.

          On the first day to College, he had followed me up in his car, while I drove the scooty, just to make sure that I would wade through Bangalore’s traffic carefully.

          

          “Which course do I choose dad?”, I had asked him. My Medical ranking was WAY better than my Engineering ranking. “I think I would get a better medical college than an Engineering college”, I had said.

“It’s Engineering”, he had said. “You cannot survive in medical, paapu. It’s not for emotional ones like you. You will break down if your patient dies. I’m not discouraging you. But it’s a hard field for you. Think about it”, he had said. Had I taken Medicine as my profession today, I would have flunked. I’m glad dad put some sense into my brains then. I joined an Engineering college.

          “Appa, I have a confession to make”, I said one day. He looked up from his papers and removed his spectacles. I slept on his lap and cried. I had got my fifth semester results that day. And I had passed in all the subjects with a meager FIRST CLASS. A girl who scored distinction, stooped down to a FIRST CLASS. “I’m sorry Appa. I don’t know what went wrong. I’ll work harder next semester”, I promised. “You need to know what went wrong, paapu. Tell me what is happening. Is everything fine at college?”, he asked.

          I looked at him. He had turned into a friend long back, maybe ‘I’ hadn’t noticed him. “Nothing is fine, Appa. I don’t have any friend in college. It’s just me. I don’t want to go to college anymore Appa. Can I just quit and take some other course? Please Appa”, I had started crying uncontrollably.

“You will NOT quit just because you do not have any friends. You will NOT quit your career just because somebody did something to you. You will NOT quit just because you are alone in college. You will NOT quit just because people are stamping all over you. I want my girl to be strong. Stay where you are and show people that you are strong and can survive without them”, he said. If I had quit that day, if he had LET me quit that day, I don’t know what I would have done today. My dad had analyzed the weak point, and he helped me convert it into a strong point. And the next semester, I was back on the topper's list.

          “If you feel alone in college. Call me up, call up mom. Talk to us, we are always there”, he had said the next morning before he left for work.

That’s probably how me and Appa became ‘friends’!!

          Finally, when things in college settled down and I found my true friends, Appa would sit with my friends and talk to us. He would talk to us about college, lecturers, laboratories, internals, externals and would still not get bored of our college talks. Probably, that is why my college friends still make it a point to visit my mom and dad when I’m away from home myself.

          “You are also not here, somebody should visit your parents when you are not around, right? So, its US”, my wonderful friends had said. I feel they are the angels in my life. I’m glad; at least, somebody visits my parents often to see they are doing well when I’m away. How many of you have such friends? Lucky me, isn’t it? 

          “Appa, guess what, I got placed!!”, I had yelled over phone. “That’s awesome news. Congratulations paapu. I can’t believe my little girl will be going to office”, he said.

And THAT office, packed me off in a train and brought me to Delhi. Away from my dearest Da-da!!

          “Appa, I want to do my Masters. Please don’t get me married soon”, I said jokingly. He laughed at it, I’m not letting you get married until I understand that my little girl can handle a family. And you can do your Masters if you wish to. Go ahead and study everything that you can”, he said.

I gave my entrance here, in Delhi. I missed him so much on the day of my exam. Every exam, my dad would drop me to the examination center, he would wait there till I wrote my exam and would bring me back home. But this time, I was alone. I had to take an auto. I had no one to come back to when I finished writing. It was such an empty, hollow feeling.

          Every time I roam around places in Delhi, my mind would go back to my dad. “Would dad like this place? Would dad eat here? Would dad buy this shirt? Would dad like my office? Would dad…”, so you get the drift.. It’s always my DAD for me.

Thank you Dad! For being there with me, for me and for being the First Man in My Life!!

Don't Love Me Anymore

I was standing before my School Church alone. The First bell had gone and I should have been running towards my class, but I was scared...I didn't want to go back. They would be there. My entire so-called group of friends. They had shunned me and abandoned me, for no reason. I had stooped low, begged for friendship, company and an explanation. None was given to me. But like always, I didn't utter a word, not a single tear...I was too timid to counteract, to question. I was used to acting without questioning anyway.  I turned back to the closed doors of the Church, closing my eyes tightly and asking God to give me some self-esteem, but He was busy listening to the smarter people next to me. I sighed and turned to walk away. 

Image Source: us.fotolia.com

"Hey, chal main tere saath chalti hoon." [Here, I'll walk with you] Sreeja said. She was in my class...and we had struck a silent friendship. She offered her hand and I took it like the proverbial straw. Things changed then. I completely left my group and started hanging out with Sreeja and her friends. My other friends commented, "Jaa na be tu, usi ke saath reh poorey din. Why do you even come near us?" [Eh, Go away no, you. Stay with her whole day]. I as usual had been trying to amend whatever unknown things I had done and was shooed away like a stray dog. At home I was lonely, now at school I had no one. But then I saw Sreeja waving at me...and I got up and walked up to her. Her friends loved me. 12th Grade had brought me closer to her. But at home, my mother saw how terribly lonely I was. I broke down before her, on my knees I cried. My mother couldn't do anything except look at me crumbling. Loneliness, Depression, my mother didn't know the terms...but she could see, how terribly wronged I was. 

Image Source:elderlyjournal.com

She let me close to Sreeja. Sreeja had saved me from the most disastrous social death. 

This was almost 7 years back. We stood by each other through severe tests of time. I was her strength, she was my weakness. We passed always. Never, ever, I had thought, that the time would change something in me, that would question my belief in the word *Best Friend*.

She met her guy. Every time I came down to Bhopal, if she was there, I used to meet her....and I met her guy then. She was smitten. In love with him. He obviously loved her too...I was proud of him. No, this isn't about Him or Her or even me. This is about just Sreeja and me. I started to drift away. I was so caught up in my college life, I couldn't talk to her everyday. I felt guilty. I told her so. She never thought otherwise, though on one occasion she did mention that I had changed, had become colder. I justified my actions (of not texting or calling her daily) as  being occupied too much. However, whenever she called me or if I did, when I felt guilty or when I had balance, it never felt like there was something amiss. Honestly though, sometimes I felt, I wasn't giving my 100%. I used to have this feeling that anyone who comes to our lives comes for a short time, to show us a way and when that purpose is over, they leave. I had a feeling that Sreeja will also drift away, but I knew I wanted it to happen. Because...I wasn't feeling happy. Earlier the things I used to feel for her, I worked towards them genuinely. Now, when I call her, I force myself so that she isn't hurt or doesn't feel that I am ignoring her.

Image Source: improveyourworld.com

I do love her, but I don't feel it anymore. I would jump before a train if it touches her, but that would be more like I...I would do it out of habit, out of the need to protect her, but...I am confused. I usually sort out my feelings on my own...but this has been bothering me for a while. I have two choices - either I keep the way things are going, occasionally texting and calling her, letting things be OR let myself drift away. I don't know and I need something, anything to assure me that with time, I will accept this too as a part of life. Am I being too analytical or practical? What should I do?