...........Sometimes you have no explanations for your actions
The world seemed to stop turning for her. Her first crush, the guy who has been evading her dreams for three years, had finally proposed to her. He was the one she was saving herself for. She was a girl who had the world at her feet. Still she has rejected innumerable proposals even though she knew that he was committed, that he loved her girl a lot and he could never be hers. Still she had kept her hopes high. Somewhere she had read that if you have a crush on someone for more than 4 months, you are definitely in love with that person. She has now been in love for three years. She has realised what she felt for him was something real, something more than just a little teenage fantasy. She could not just stop thinking about him.
The first time she heard his name, a bell rang in her ears.
She didn’t know why, it was a pretty common name. As soon as she heard his name
being called, she reflexively started shifting her eyes from here and there
trying to get a glimpse of him. Then she was in first year of her college. He
was a year senior. She didn’t get to see him. She didn’t know why she
remembered his name even a few days later.
Second year, she had forgotten that incident, she had
forgotten him. But when she received a text message one evening which said she
had been assigned a project with him as her direct mentor, her heart skipped a
bit. Was it destiny? There was meeting that day where all the second years were
supposed to be introduced to the mentors. She was excited. She went there and
sat silently, one amongst the timid juniors, her eyes scanning everywhere for
him. But he wasn’t there. She didn’t know the names of any senior out there,
but she knew that none of them was him, else she would have known. She was
upset.
He did come to the meeting, a little late though. She
couldn’t take her eyes off him. She was scared of him though, she didn’t know
why. Maybe because he seemed too serious, too simple, the no-nonsense type. She
didn’t talk to him, but she just couldn’t get him out of her mind. While
leaving the meeting room she even turned back to get a glimpse of him. Her
feelings were getting stronger, she didn’t know why.
Few months of work and the boundary between them started
fading. Any work he got, he used to transfer them to her. Any problems she
faced, she used to go to him. The fear she had started shedding off. She
started liking his simplicity, his indifference, his carefree-ness. They went
past the professional barriers and became friends. He too started relying a lot
on her.
She learnt that he had a girl-friend, he loved her a lot.
Her dreams and hopes were shattered. She had never let him know about her
feelings. She tried dumping her feelings; she tried moving away from him. But
she didn’t know why she couldn’t get away.
She met another guy. She got into a relationship with him.
She loved him passionately. She decided never to think about her mentor again
other than work.
One day, from nowhere he came back, back in her life. All
her determination shattered. She just couldn’t let him go. He was in a mess
with his relationships and everything else. He tried getting closer to her, she
let him. They grew very close to each other. All barriers were broken between
them. She let him intrude into her territory. In the mornings, she felt guilty.
She hated herself. She was being with two guys at the same time-One with who, she
was in a committed relationship, the other who was just a close friend. He had
a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend- but none of that seemed to matter then.
A few months later, her relationship died. In the meantime he had got closer to his girlfriend. She was sad. But she couldn’t say anything, he was just a
friend, whatever was between them didn’t have a name. Whenever she saw him with
his girlfriend, she could feel herself turning cold, her heart ached, she couldn’t
bear to see him with another girl. She tried staying away from them. But the
girl seemed to pop up everywhere. Wherever she went, whatever she did, his girl
was everywhere. She was starting to lose it all, She felt as if she was going
into a deep dark depression.
In third year, she realised that nothing was worth this pain;
she had to get out from it all. Her broken relationship and the indifference of
her crush were eating her from inside. She couldn’t ignore either of them, but
she realised she had to stay away from both of them. She got herself busy in
other obsessions. For all the work related problems she faced, she didn’t go to
him; she tried solving them herself.
Few months later she has moved on. She didn’t feel pain in
seeing him with his girlfriend, though it did hurt her a little. Things started
getting better between them. She was getting to know him better. She realised
he wasn’t serious about his girlfriend, he was trying to get closer to her, she
was letting him. Sometimes she felt his indifference towards her also. Still she
couldn’t love him less.
After the submission of their project paper, he took her to
a restaurant where he popped the question. He told her how much she meant, to him, that he has met no one like her. He told her that he could open as frankly before her as his best friend, he couldn't do that before anyone else. Her heart stopped beating; she didn’t
know what to reply. This was what she had wanted for three years; this was what
she was struggling for. After a long pause, she replied- ‘No, I am sorry.’
As she was returning back that night, she didn’t know why
she said that, but she felt a strange calmness surrounding her...
P.S- I know I have been MIA for long, but darlings, I am going through a tough phase in life and so can't keep up with much of blogging. But I promise I will be back soon...
9 comments:
Lovely :)
This is one of those moments where you let go of something that you've struggled for, and waited tediously for, yet you still feel a sense of contentment.
It's an odd feeling, but pleasing. :)
And I loved the way you've written this story, has a beautiful flow of words.
Ohhhhh, I loved it...!! Such familiar emotions. :D Strength was what I saw, in the end. Beautiful, Raumali :D :D :)
@Kiara- yeah, you are right, yearning for years for something, and then refusing when served that, yet feeling contended, strange na?? But that's what makes us women, that's why men call us difficult to understand...
Thanx for loving it :)
@Ash- Thank you :)
@MSM- Glad you liked it :)
Ah!! Letting go. The most difficult, yet the most necessary task.
Lovely story.
That was a story many of us can relate to!
It happens . happens several times...
Beautifully written :)
frankly speaking i didn lyk the story. things are just so casual .. u know.. going out with two at a tym yet not sure abu oneslf and stuff.. newys.. its my personal view.. i know these things do happen in so called life-in-a-metro but i strongly blv people shu have stronger control over their emotions.. coz love shared with two isn't love at al.. As far as the writing is concerned .. gr8 as usual :)
@Nihareeka, yup you are right, dunno what goes through the ones who have to do it, glad you liked it :)
@Simran- Thank you :)
@monika- you are right, it's tough, it's wrong but still it happens, the heart is weak, it's tough to control emotions...
I do respect your views and I know it's wrong :)
I just loved the ending, a very different one. At times moving on can give you so much solace.
Loved reading this post...I can so well relate to it.... :-)
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