Zindagi Bhar Nahin Bhoolegi...

As rare as it happens, I have been inspired by my own writing. I came across this piece of writing on The Darlings of Venus. (Okay, I lied. I didn't ‘come across’ it. I ‘searched’ for it.) 

I wanted the wound to re-open. The deep cut in the heart has dried but the heart that yearned should be purged, washed clean and clear until what remains would be a piece of colorless flesh, drained of blood. The deep cut would still remain like a mark – a mark that would never get erased, a mark that would be hidden beneath the perpetual flow of blood, a mark that would surface every now and then, every time the heart slowed down and pumped a little less blood than the usual.

I might try to pacify the heart, instruct it to beat normally, plaster the wound with new memories, but what about the old ones? What about those missing pieces in the deep cut?  Zindagi Bhar Nahin Bhoolegi…

The attached strings have been cut long ago; reason – Tightened Tuners. I tightened the tuners initially, I didn't stop there. I tightened the tuners more, the strings were pulled apart, the tension increased, and finally a threshold was reached. The strings could no longer hold on to the tuners, they decided to split. Now, they stand cut. No more music can be made out of the Guitar. If I ever attempt to make music out of it, they will only end up making ‘noise’ and not ‘music’.

I might fix the strings, I might fix the tuners, but what about my bleeding fingers? The fingers that cut and bled when I played on the over-tuned strings? Zindagi Bhar Nahin Bhoolegi...

Trust and Faith – clichéd words, so clichéd, that we even know the context the very moment they are uttered. Once the trust is lost, no amount of love and consolation will bring it back. It’s like the missing piece of the cut in the heart, like the bleeding fingers. You will patch the heart, you will set the strings right, but you will always doubt if the heart is still working fine, you will check and test every now and then. You will still feel that your guitar now feels ‘different’ with a new set of strings. You will then realize, that, “It can never be the same.”

And… Zindagi Bhar Nahin Bhoolegi…

P.S : It has been exactly a year, since I went “Away” and penned that post. Exactly an year since the heartbreak. I apologized to the Darlings and ran away. To where? I saw half the country, went places, changed houses, met new people, derived experiences, got some sunshine, and here I’m. Back. Right from where it all started. I’m back to square one. Still feeling hurt even after an year. All I need is one gentle push and truck loads of strength. But now, I’m back home, I’m back to the Darlings. 

MY FIRST MAN!! :)

            I hugged him tight as tears rolled down my cheeks. The train gave a long hoot and slowly started moving away. “I don’t want to go”, I whispered. “You HAVE to go. Go and build a wonderful career. You HAVE to do this without me. Without US”, he said and turned away to wipe his tears.

          “All the best, paapu”, he said and watched me hop on to the train. I stood at the door, waving my hand at him, bidding him a goodbye. His eyes, they spoke everything. I have big eyes, just like him. I have his teeth, elongated and pointed teeth. I have his nails. I have his color. Wheatish. I have his qualities, I sing, I write. He does them too. I’m short-tempered, so is he. I’m courageous and bold (if someone had gone through what I went through, they would have quit college long back. It took a lot of courage to stand up to people and prove myself right.) The courage and that thing to ENDURE people, especially bad ones are from him. He has endured more of such things in life. The way I sit, the way I pick my spoon to eat, the posture I sleep in, the way I twitch my face and look up at the sky when I laugh, it’s all HIM. I’m the Daddy’s girl!!

            He was the first man to hold me in his arms. The first man to touch me. “Ap-pa”, I must have fumbled when I was a baby and I can imagine how overjoyed he must have been that day.

“Appa, do a jeeeeeeeeeee-jhik”, I would ask. A Jeeeeeeeeeeee-Jhik meant, he would throw me high up in the air and catch me. He would repeat this until I’d ask him to stop it!!

Up in the air and he would never let me fall. He would hold me before I could fall. Maybe, as a kid, I trusted my dad so much that I knew he would never let me fall.

          “Appa, I have a doubt in these allied angles. Can you explain them to me now?”, I asked him when I was in fifth grade. It was 3 AM. “Now? Its 3 AM”, he said rubbing his eyes and looking at the clock. Nevertheless, he immediately recalled I had an exam coming up in the morning and sat up all night with me to teach me allied angles. My Math Whiz Dad!! :P 

          “Look at this”, he said, waking me up one fine morning. “Look AT THIS”, my paapu’s photo is in this newspaper. “WHAT!”, I said throwing myself up from the bed. I could see my dad’s face beaming. I was one among the toppers in my tenth boards and my photo was in the newspaper. He was flaunting it to my mom – “my daughter”, he said. He used to stay up with me all night while I studied for my boards, because I just couldn’t study alone. He would do little things like making coffee for me, playing the radio so that I don’t fall asleep, keeping me company whenever I felt bored of answering ‘model question papers’. All of this, in spite of working all day long in office. I don’t know how he managed to do that.

          “Appa, are you sure I can do this? I’m kind of scared”, I had told him. “Of course you can. I’m right behind you”, he said and wrapped his arms around mine and turned on the accelerator. It was my first scooty lesson. Dad had insisted I take a scooty to college. At some point, I remember, I had put on the brakes with the accelerator turned on. I fell and he fell with me. We both were bruised. Badly. Yet, he never stopped giving me driving lessons.

          On the first day to College, he had followed me up in his car, while I drove the scooty, just to make sure that I would wade through Bangalore’s traffic carefully.

          

          “Which course do I choose dad?”, I had asked him. My Medical ranking was WAY better than my Engineering ranking. “I think I would get a better medical college than an Engineering college”, I had said.

“It’s Engineering”, he had said. “You cannot survive in medical, paapu. It’s not for emotional ones like you. You will break down if your patient dies. I’m not discouraging you. But it’s a hard field for you. Think about it”, he had said. Had I taken Medicine as my profession today, I would have flunked. I’m glad dad put some sense into my brains then. I joined an Engineering college.

          “Appa, I have a confession to make”, I said one day. He looked up from his papers and removed his spectacles. I slept on his lap and cried. I had got my fifth semester results that day. And I had passed in all the subjects with a meager FIRST CLASS. A girl who scored distinction, stooped down to a FIRST CLASS. “I’m sorry Appa. I don’t know what went wrong. I’ll work harder next semester”, I promised. “You need to know what went wrong, paapu. Tell me what is happening. Is everything fine at college?”, he asked.

          I looked at him. He had turned into a friend long back, maybe ‘I’ hadn’t noticed him. “Nothing is fine, Appa. I don’t have any friend in college. It’s just me. I don’t want to go to college anymore Appa. Can I just quit and take some other course? Please Appa”, I had started crying uncontrollably.

“You will NOT quit just because you do not have any friends. You will NOT quit your career just because somebody did something to you. You will NOT quit just because you are alone in college. You will NOT quit just because people are stamping all over you. I want my girl to be strong. Stay where you are and show people that you are strong and can survive without them”, he said. If I had quit that day, if he had LET me quit that day, I don’t know what I would have done today. My dad had analyzed the weak point, and he helped me convert it into a strong point. And the next semester, I was back on the topper's list.

          “If you feel alone in college. Call me up, call up mom. Talk to us, we are always there”, he had said the next morning before he left for work.

That’s probably how me and Appa became ‘friends’!!

          Finally, when things in college settled down and I found my true friends, Appa would sit with my friends and talk to us. He would talk to us about college, lecturers, laboratories, internals, externals and would still not get bored of our college talks. Probably, that is why my college friends still make it a point to visit my mom and dad when I’m away from home myself.

          “You are also not here, somebody should visit your parents when you are not around, right? So, its US”, my wonderful friends had said. I feel they are the angels in my life. I’m glad; at least, somebody visits my parents often to see they are doing well when I’m away. How many of you have such friends? Lucky me, isn’t it? 

          “Appa, guess what, I got placed!!”, I had yelled over phone. “That’s awesome news. Congratulations paapu. I can’t believe my little girl will be going to office”, he said.

And THAT office, packed me off in a train and brought me to Delhi. Away from my dearest Da-da!!

          “Appa, I want to do my Masters. Please don’t get me married soon”, I said jokingly. He laughed at it, I’m not letting you get married until I understand that my little girl can handle a family. And you can do your Masters if you wish to. Go ahead and study everything that you can”, he said.

I gave my entrance here, in Delhi. I missed him so much on the day of my exam. Every exam, my dad would drop me to the examination center, he would wait there till I wrote my exam and would bring me back home. But this time, I was alone. I had to take an auto. I had no one to come back to when I finished writing. It was such an empty, hollow feeling.

          Every time I roam around places in Delhi, my mind would go back to my dad. “Would dad like this place? Would dad eat here? Would dad buy this shirt? Would dad like my office? Would dad…”, so you get the drift.. It’s always my DAD for me.

Thank you Dad! For being there with me, for me and for being the First Man in My Life!!

Pamper Yourself :)

If you are jobless on a fine Sunday morning and find your feet succumbing to winter, then plunge your feet into the warmth of water, add some soapy bubbles, scrub and pamper yourself, AT HOME. 

And oh, this will also help you save that extra buck and the trouble of dragging your ass to the nearest Salon! *wink wink*

I shall tell you how (Even though these come under the already-said-and-done section, I shall give my experience and take on it) -

Let us begin with everything that you will need. I have mostly avoided chemical, market products since I did it at home. You can just make use of those little things lying around in your dressing-drawer or the bathroom shelf and get away with beautifully pedicured foot.

(Please excuse the clarity of the photographs since they were taken from a mobile phone and not from a camera!)

A set of instruments - a straight nail cutter (if you want a french cut), a cross nail cutter (if you want an arc-like cut), a filer, a cuticle-pusher.

A steamer or an electric kettle.

Cotton roll and a nail enamel remover.

Nail colours. Anything that goes with your mood, work or your complexion!

A scrubber, brush, pumice stone. (I got an all-in-one in the market.)

Any mild shampoo that's lying around in the bathroom shelf. I chose Himalaya. That's kind of mild.

Any cold cream / moisturizer

And most importantly, a bucket full of HOT water, towel and a couple of tissues! :)

All in all, have these things ready before you can begin. It will save you the trouble of running around the house on one foot in between 'the pampering' :D

STEP 1 :

Pluck out some cotton out of the roll and remove the nail color. (if you had applied any, previously)

STEP 2 :

Dip your feet in a bucket of warm (or HOT, however you prefer) water for a couple of seconds. Then massage some shampoo on to your feet evenly (Do not neglect the spaces between your toes as that is the space which usually gets least attention and is prone to bacteria.)

STEP 3 :

Begin with gently scrubbing your heels with a brush. Do not be too harsh, initially. Then use the pumice stone  and scrub off the dry and dead skin from the behind the toes, heels, and the sides of the ankles.

STEP 4 : 

Rinse off the soap from the feet now and switch on the steamer. As your feet gets some steam, apply some cream / moisturizer on to your feet. Let the steam be for five to ten minutes atleast. 

Once you switch off the steamer, pluck out more cotton from the roll and clear off those clogged pores, and the dirt that's is stuck in your nails.

Shape up the nails after steaming using a filer. Make sure not to hurt your cuticles while filing.

Now apply some cream / moisturizer again on to your toe nails and let it soak for five minutes.

STEP 5 :

It's time to push your cuticle and let the nails breathe. As you do this, be extra careful not to damage your cuticle. If your nails are really sensitive (and if you have a habit of biting nails / weak cuticle) I would not recommend this step as they would harm your nails. Otherwise, you could go on.

With the cuticle pusher, gently (like really gently) push you cuticle downwards, towards your toe.

Once you're done, wipe off the cream and apply moisturizer all over your feet and give it a nice MASSAGE. 

Begin by forward and backward movements and then go in circles around your heels. Pull your toes a little and massage all those little toes that have been drained out and deprived of relief. By doing this, you're letting every ounce of your feet, get the feel of blood rushing into it.

STEP 6 : 

Now, choose your favorite nail enamel. Make sure to be a little choosy ;)

Apply a base coating first. Allow it to dry.

Then apply another coating. Application should be done uniformly in the same direction.

NOW, FLAUNT THAT FEET AND SHAKE A LEG!! :D

P.S : If you don't find it easy to try it on yourself, try it on any nearest 'bakra' in your vicinity. I just found two! ;) Don't forget to give them a triumphant-look when you are done! ;)

Happy Pampering, Darlings :)

THE AFTERLIFE : WELCOME TO NOIDA!!

As I packed my bags (closed my previous blog and memories) few weeks back to leave Bangalore – my home town, my city from the time I was born, little did I know that I was leaving only to write new chapters, to meet new people, build a career and create a milestone, for myself.

“NOIDA”, my appointment letter proclaimed, in big, bold letters. North Okhla Industrial Development Authority, as it is called, beckoned me to step into the north of the Country. The part of the country I had NEVER made an attempt to venture to. Leaving Bangalore brought in me a lot of nostalgia, but NOIDA brought in me, a sense of hope and independence. Above all, NOIDA is teaching me LIFE.

It is so different from Bangalore. Yet not. Sometimes, I feel it is not right to compare two cities. Both of them are unique in their own ways – Food, Culture, Weather, People, Ways of life…

Early days in NOIDA were scary. I was left to be on my own. Right after graduating, the Corporate world welcomed me, but I felt abandoned and alone in the new land. But when people called FRIENDS made an entry into my life, I started loving everything I was going through. NOIDA has given me wonderful friends and amazing roomies. And oh, friends have also become family-like. They are the people I look forward to each day after a boring and tiring day at office. Would NOIDA appear the same to me without these guys? Well, I’m not sure on that. But all I know is, I’m enjoying their company. I miss home but I see my family in friends. That is the closeness we share.

I raise my head and look up at the NOIDA sky. Foggy, tall glossy buildings peek through the fog, neatly mowed lawns, colorful flowers and a road that takes me to my block – my office. I sling my ID around my neck, greet the security in their local language and proceed.

Surrendered to slavery, yet proud of personal independence.

(Yeah, that's my office)

Cheers to Life,

& lots of Love,

D!! (Previously called, THE UPDATER :) )

P.S : Title Courtesy : BTK, a Colleague-turned-friend. All thanks to him for suggesting a wonderful title for my post here!

P.P.S : This was a post written for my own, new blog. Yes, like I mentioned here, I would be away and all that. But, somehow, writing has always been a part of me and staying away from the keyboard was hard (:P) Either ways, I'm back!! Promising myself to stay active on the blogosphere.

And oh, my new blog is called Strings Of Life (Previously, an INSIGHT INTO MYSELF).

Maithili and Admins, listening? :) (Hope you change the same in Meet the Darlings Page ;P )

First post, First Confession

I stood there, in the middle of the playground. People around, just stood and watched it happen. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I was yelled at, a verbal abuse, in front of so many people. They said I had gone insane. They blamed me. They didn't like me. They pledged never to talk to me. I couldn't believe it was happening to me. I collapsed. Right there.

It was the second year of Engineering. For most of them, the first year was spent making friends, getting to know people and the college, writing exams and more and more tests, working away in laboratories. But for me, I had an addition. I had always believed that falling in love was not my cup of tea. Yet, I ALMOST fell in love. With a classmate. I never knew I could love someone so deeply and truly. For four months, We liked each other for what we were. No, I would never EVER cheat on somebody or lie. I don't know how to do it. Those four months, were really wonderful. For, it led to a self-discovery and discovering someone else who liked me and loved for who I am. But little did I know that, it would end soon. 

Me and him had this group of friends in class. I always loved them. I always thought my life would be empty without them. I shared my feelings, my joys, sorrows, everything with them. I trusted them. Not once did I feel that they would back-stab me. 

.... "I don't believe you said all that about me", he retorted one day.

"Said what?", I asked.

"Everything that you have told about me to our classmates", he said.

"Why would I tell anything about you to them?", I asked.

"Its over. WE are over. You were right, love can never be your cup of tea", he said and walked away.

I tried talking to my friends, asked them what the matter was. They would never even look at my face, leave alone talking. I tried convincing the guy. He wouldn't agree to talk. A class-meeting was held. The ENTIRE class decided NOT to talk to me. EVER. I was left abandoned. And one day, I lost patience, frustration to find out the truth took over. I abused them.

They made me stand in the middle of the playground.. People around, just stood and watched it happen. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I was yelled at, a verbal abuse, in front of so many people. They said I had gone insane. They blamed me. They didn't like me. They pledged never to talk to me. I couldn't believe it was happening to me. I collapsed.

...And two years after that, not even a single soul in class spoke to me. I was left all by myself. I used to sit alone, study alone, eat alone, go home alone. In fact, I had forgotten what hanging out with friends felt like. 

Did I deserve this punishment? For which fault of mine was I being punished? Why wouldn't anybody tell me what the matter was? All these questions ran in my head. Once I tried finding out what went wrong, a classmate told me that my BEST FRIEND was jealous of me and him being together. So she had intentionally told crap about me to him. He, had conveniently believed her. I thought trust and faith were very important in a relationship.

 I would literally weep each morning on my mother's lap before going to college. I was twenty, and I cried to go to college. I hadn't done anything to her. My best friend, she was. She back-stabbed me. So much that the whole class wouldn't look at me. The walk from the class door to the bench where I used to sit was very painful. I could sense all eyes staring at me in disgust.

I was taken to a doctor. The diagnosis - Severe nervous tension and depression. Anti-depressants were given. It wouldn't make me feel any better. My grades in semester exams stooped down. From the topper whose name always featured on the College Notice Board, I had come down to being nowhere in the top ten. Yet, life had to go on. The loneliness had completely taken over in an year. I had learnt to be alone. At the end of two years, I felt really uncomfortable if there were people around me. I didn't know how to socialize. Home and college were the only two places I knew in the city and Parents and Sister were the only people I had to come home for.

A semester later, I had picked up. My grades were coming back to me. I had decided not to screw up academics. Life was already screwed up. Acads were my only solace.

If you had asked me then, what I thought about having friends in life, I would have surely yelled at you stating that friends are nothing but back-stabbers.

All this, because I had always been true.

I had never expected that someone would walk into my life, all over again, to change all that I believed in. To change the way I saw life. We were friends (or acquaintance shall I call it?) in school. Primary school that was. Like Second Standard! He was in my school till Seventh Standard. Later, he just disappeared.
One fine evening, he walked into my life again, only to make me realize that life is wonderful. He was the best friend. I could share anything and everything with him so easily. We connected instantly. Soon, I realized I was falling for him. His stupidity, innocence, intelligence, friendliness, comfortability... Everything.

But somewhere in my mind, I feared. I shuddered at the very thought of being in a relationship. But my heart said, Life was giving me another chance, to pick myself up from where it had left me off. I was still thinking....
When..........
 my classmates got back to me again. A series of apologies followed. It all came to me out of the blue. Something that I had never expected. I didn't even know if I could forgive. So many friends got back to me at once. I was overwhelmed. They had realized they were wrong. They had realized that they had given in to the rumours that was spread about me by none other than the best friend. The ex-guy, also apologized. Happiness returned. New friends were made, the final year of college became really memorable.


I believe Gaaamp's entry into my life brought me loads of best things. I got back the perfect friends I ever wanted. I got a new life. I got confidence, in fact, he brought confidence into me. He still does. And without much of a thought, I had realized the lucky charm in my life. Gaaamp. Who brought me back to life. Who made me feel alive. Who fell in love with me. Who made me fall in love with him. Who made ME, a new ME.

It's been ten months, since I'm in a relationship with my lucky charm. My Angel. :)
Sometimes life gives us difficulties. But it does send a solace. And when stuck in difficulties, life also sends an Angel, in some form, to get you out of there. Look out for it, For me, it did! :)

P.S : Phew! I can't believe I wrote such a long, first post on DOV :D Anyway, now that I'm here, you all will be entitled for more of such 'pakau-fying' posts :P


P.P.S : Till date, I do not know what was the exact rumor that went around about me two years back. My friends never tell that to me. But going by the hints that I have got so far, it is involved with talks about my Character! Can people really get this bitchy or am I just realizing that the world out there is Cruel?
Either way, it helped me emerge stronger and better. And luckier ;)