Love is...

Love, Its such a small word and is such a powerful feeling.
I never knew that I had the capability to love someone so much and be loved back more than I have ever expected.

In my past, I have been in what I though was love. It wasn't, now i know that for sure.It might have been very strong attraction, a lot of like, big infatuation but not love.

Love is when someone has tears in his eyes, in front of his family and friends, on his own wedding mandap, when he saw me cry in my father's arms.

Love is when he holds my hand tight, when he knows I might breakdown anytime while bidding good-bye to my parents.

Love is, when no matter how far, he comes to pick you up despite him having prior commitments.

Love is, when he calls 10 times a day, just to make sure you aren't lonely.

Love is when he wants you to go out independently in a new city, but still subtly tells you that he is there whenever I need him.

Love is fighting and making up over a cup of coffee.

Love is, when you cough in the middle of the night and he who is lying beside you is all alert and asks "you ok? need something?"

Love is, when the kitchen shelf bangs, and he comes running in to see if I am ok.

Love is, when he tries everything in his hands to make you comfortable.

Love is when, he tries real hard to plan surprises for you.

Love is when you know that he is there.

Love is that,silent side glances while he is driving.

Love is holding hands on the car gear.

Love is, laughing over stupid jokes.

Love is, keeping each other annoying animal names.

Love is, to see him smile when he sees his lunch box.

Love is, that warm hug on a cold night.

Love is, him wrapping a blanket around you just because you were "looking" as if you were freezing to him.

Love is, that smile he has pasted on his face, when he sees you. (Such smiles are reserved only for you)

Love is when you both act stupid together.

Love is, when  he books a ticket for your parents as a surprise for you, just because you said you are missing your parents.

Love is us.

Its a great feeling be loved by the person you love.

Someone I can't have

I love her because she doesn't belong in my world

I am protective about her, for I know my deeds might kill her

She is my sunshine and that's why I keep her away from my dark alley life

Some girls are good, Some girls are bad

She comes in mixed flavors

She is the best I have ever had

My life is about cars, drugs and money

With her my life is about, flowers, smiles and love

Most of my acts instill fear in people,

It takes me more courage to love her and not lose her

Girls come, girls go

Girls warm my bed,

The condoms in my bed stand gets used

But, its her I want to keep safe

Its her I want to kiss good night

Its her, my love, whom I can never have

Wedding Bells Or Blues?

So much has happened since I was last here. I don't dare apologize, I can only promise that I will be regular enough here from here on.

How have you been, Darlings?

Anyhoo..

I was one who never shied away from the thought of marriage. As in, though I knew it was something that would only happen sometime in the far, non-forseeable future, I always knew that one day when it is time to commit to the man I love in front of all and sundry, I would be ready and I would be happy to.

Friends are falling like flies getting married to men they don't know anything about and some have even had babies in the time I took to grow up and get my head screwed on tight enough. Blogger friends went off to blissful married life too and I silently send up a prayer that they are happy. And though I realised that I have gotten to a point where I can legally choose to tie myself to someone's neck(?), the only thing that really freaked me out was the thought of losing my childhood, losing the simplicity of existence.


I still never had a problem in looking at white dresses and wedding photographers (though, chances of me having a white wedding are less than zero), well, I will be a bride someday, won't I?

Recently a situation came up which might mean that I will be married by April next year. And that's when all hell broke lose. I spent the entire day palpitating, hands shaking and completely unfocussed.

I realise I'll be 24 by then but wtf? How can I commit to someone, anyone, without the guarantee that I will not abhor him in a couple of years for all the things I didn't know about him. How can I make such a big commitment knowing that things can fall apart as easily as they come together... Sometimes even more easily. How can I let a man have all I have got without the guarantee that he won't throw it back in my face?

More importantly, how can I know he will not tire of me or get bored with me? Somehow the thought of the man losing interest scares me more than anything else does. 

When a relationship breaks up, only the parties concerned get hurt but marriage involves families, relatives, friends, classmates, the world and their uncle. And considering marriage is for a good solid 50 years, I wouldn't say my fears are not grounded enough. Would you?

I admit that my faith was always shaky subconsciously given my past and all that I have seen through my childhood, adolescence and recent adulthood, but I need to be able to commit some time right? Relationships were never a problem, now when I think of it, probably because there is no finality in them.

But marriage? The word scares me.