Sometimes

Some relationships are strange

Like ours,

Sometimes we are friends
Sometimes we are lovers
Sometimes we are just strangers to each other

Sometimes we can share so many things even in silence
Sometimes even many words don't say anything

Sometimes only "I'm there for you" is needed
Sometimes being there isn't enough
Sometimes "I love you" seems so true
Sometimes "Leave me alone" feels like a lie

Sometimes one hug from you makes the world seem alright
Sometimes even nicest gift from you doesn't bring a smile

Sometimes...in life..relationships are strange..

Love is...

Love, Its such a small word and is such a powerful feeling.
I never knew that I had the capability to love someone so much and be loved back more than I have ever expected.

In my past, I have been in what I though was love. It wasn't, now i know that for sure.It might have been very strong attraction, a lot of like, big infatuation but not love.

Love is when someone has tears in his eyes, in front of his family and friends, on his own wedding mandap, when he saw me cry in my father's arms.

Love is when he holds my hand tight, when he knows I might breakdown anytime while bidding good-bye to my parents.

Love is, when no matter how far, he comes to pick you up despite him having prior commitments.

Love is, when he calls 10 times a day, just to make sure you aren't lonely.

Love is when he wants you to go out independently in a new city, but still subtly tells you that he is there whenever I need him.

Love is fighting and making up over a cup of coffee.

Love is, when you cough in the middle of the night and he who is lying beside you is all alert and asks "you ok? need something?"

Love is, when the kitchen shelf bangs, and he comes running in to see if I am ok.

Love is, when he tries everything in his hands to make you comfortable.

Love is when, he tries real hard to plan surprises for you.

Love is when you know that he is there.

Love is that,silent side glances while he is driving.

Love is holding hands on the car gear.

Love is, laughing over stupid jokes.

Love is, keeping each other annoying animal names.

Love is, to see him smile when he sees his lunch box.

Love is, that warm hug on a cold night.

Love is, him wrapping a blanket around you just because you were "looking" as if you were freezing to him.

Love is, that smile he has pasted on his face, when he sees you. (Such smiles are reserved only for you)

Love is when you both act stupid together.

Love is, when  he books a ticket for your parents as a surprise for you, just because you said you are missing your parents.

Love is us.

Its a great feeling be loved by the person you love.

FRUSTATION ALERT !

What do you do when you are suffering through a rough patch in your life... your loved ones are not nearby to comfort you... and if that was not enough, there is someone in your life, who makes it even more difficult for you to live through the rough patch? Right when you are trying to get out of it, he comes back again and makes sure that your life remains fucked up all the time. What do you do then ? Flush him out of your life ? I wish things were so easy all the time... Or maybe say what you really are thinking and just ruin it all ? Ruin all the friendly relation you have with that person and move on ? mind you, just ending all the relations wont help, because he is going to meet you everyday, by default ofcourse, for the next couple of months ? What do you do then ? He comes to you everytime you thought your life is all settled, and now...you are finally back on track... and then again ruin all your efforts and quite literally eat up your mental peace and harmony. What do you do then ?

I know I am just ranting about it here... I know I sound all kickass, but when it comes to facing an issue I fall straight on my face. I know I suck at solving problems. I know that! I wish I could be that person whom everybody hates because they think she has too much of ego problems... or that bitch who thinks too much of herself... or something like that. I so desperately wish to be one of those. Atleast then, nobody comes to disturb your mental sanity. Even if nobody talks to you, you feel at peace. You feel self dependent. You can do whatever you want without thinking about what you may have to hear after you do this or that. That way you dont really have to answer to anybody.... Isnt that what I really want ? Accountability for myself ? Is that too much I am asking for ? Cant I be responsible for my own actions and decisions ? Why the hell should someone else be willing to decide for me ? And why the hell should I let that happen ?

I know I am a coward when it comes to resolving problems face to face. Dont get me wrong, I do finish matters once and for all, but only when the matter goes above my intake capacity. But should I really wait for my intake capacity to overflow and then react ? Why should I hang on to something which is taking a toll on my mental peace ? Why should I wait for the water to go above my nose ? I dont know, what should I really do ?

Should I just yell back, finish all the friendly space we shared, and not see his face even if he passes right infront of me ? Or should I be what I usualy am, a diplomat, and politely and sweetly tell to him back off... and listen to his taunts everyday that I am no longer the person he met before... that I have changed... and that I should tell him if I have any issues in my life. Hell, he himself is the issue I'm trying to tackle!

I am so mind-fucked. I dont know what to do ? Its a fight between the Libran and the Leo in me. The diplomat wants me to peacefully resolve the issue without getting mean and violent, but the fighter wants me to go and yell at his face that I think he's an absolute loser, and I'd be better off without him !

I know its one of those things that will resolve itself eventually (damn you libran!)... but right now its really taking a toll on my mental health. I feel frustated. Its taking more mental space than it actually deserves. I am trying everything to bring back my mental sanity back home. Writing helps, sure. And probably that is the reason I am here. But how long should I keep consoling myself that everything will be allright with time. Sometimes you need to take control of the situation instead of waiting for it to get better by itself. And everytime I think of doing something, the question pops up...

 What should I do ?

And honestly, I dont know what to do !

But, he said "I love you"

12th December 2009

I am sitting here staring at the computer screen.
An email open in front of me.

To anyone else it would look like just another email. For me it was different
It was the wedding card of the man I loved the most.
The man I have dreamt of living a life with every waking hour.
It gave a very bitter taste in my mouth to read someone elses name in the place where I have pictured mine to be.

There was a link of wedding website in the email too.
They say "curiosity kills the cat". This time it hit me real hard and I opened the site "Mayan Goya weds Ishjal Frakha" was written in big bole cursive letters
Beneath the title was the story of how they met.
I realised, the man who promised me love, promised it to someone else too.
The places, their meeting points mentioned there were the places where we held hands and promised togetherness.
The way he proposed her was they way I had described my dream proposal to him.

There was a picture of them holding hands, hugging, him kissing her forehead.

A bile rose in my stomach.
I wanted to throw up all the bottled emotions that have rotted without proper nurturing.

Its a weird feeling knowing soon he will officially be a husband. ...someone elses husband

I want to scream out loud, I want to shed every unshed tear, I want to rip off every emotion I have for him, I want him to know that he has hurt me real bad, I want him to know am breaking inside
But, I sit here silently penning down my feelings.

19th January 2014

Now, stumbling over this letter hidden in between my files makes me feel how dumb I was then
Why did I cry over someone who wasn't worth anything
Karma is a darling when she is on your side,
But, it surely doesnt make me a bitch when I get this sadistic pleasure to hear that he is going through a traumatic divorce because she was caught cheating on him.
Maybe this is what is called 'What goes around comes around"


Image Courtesy: Google Images

Sorry, Wrong Number

Onika, a 30 year old, average single girl of a protective family.
A young woman, who was dynamic, enthusiastic about life about 10 years back. Now, quiet, subdued, working as an Executive Assistant to a biggie of a music company.

To Oni, her life was aimless, going no where, no money in her bank, no boyfriend, .a few occasional uninteresting flings, some quickies, nothing exciting, nothing to really look forward to.

Marriage was on Onika's mind, but nothing seems to be really shaping up for her.
Opening her Facebook account, felt like opening a global wedding and baby album.
All her friends, were posing with their better halves and the juniors that they made.

Onika, felt she had no luck by her side. And she blamed her name for it
"Onika, whose name starts with an O...a Big O..."
"its my name that my life is also an O and I also look like a big fat O"

In the meanwhile, some nosy internet bugger, released about 600 numbers of famous musicians on to the internet,Onika's number gets mixed among them under the name of a less famous singer Yashika
 
Onika's phone rings UNKNOWN NUMBER
"Maam, I'm a big fan of your. I so love you"
Then 1 sms "you have a golden voice"
2nd ..3rd..4th........55th..........96 Missed calls
155 Unread Messages

Confused and scared Onika wanted to throw her phone, but no she could not throw her only distraction into the thrash.
While Oni find its annoying at first, soon she receives a text from a very cute member Rahul of a budding rock band whom she had a crush on.
Rahul thinks this is Yashika, the singer and send her beautifully composed lyrics and cute messages.
Onika starts feeling good about herself, and her crush for Rahul, slowly turns into love.

Rahul keeps asking her to meet him somewhere, he starts having feelings for the replies that "Yashika" sends. He wants to profess these feelings to her. Look into her eyes and say it.

Onika is scared, for obvious reasons that if she reveals that she isn't the Miss. Hot Bod Yashika, but petite Onika he will go away. At this age it is going to hurt her a lot.

On 31st December, Onika wanted to start her New Year with a clean slate and a clean heart.
"Rahul, I love you, but i have to tell you something. I know you might be hurt. But, I'm not Yashika, my name is Onika and I stay in Thane. I cant sing to save my life. But, my replies to all your lyrics are from my heart"

Rahul read the message and was confused, Did he love Yashika? or the replies that this girl Onika gave him?
He didn't reply for a long time, well..he didn't know what to reply to her.
He types a message "Meet me at Marine Drive at 1145pm today"

Onika didn't know what to do, laugh cry smile..
Time passed too slowly. She picked up her prettiest salwar kameez, Obviously she didn't have any dresses, one pieces or skirts.

She reached at 11.30pm, and was a nervous wreak,
Would he come?
Would he like me?
Would he be angry?

Then beside her came a nice sports car, and Rahul got out of it, with the most beautiful arrangement of roses Oni had ever seen.

At, the stroke of 12, when the fireworks colorfully gleamed over the Arabian sea, and the city lights reflecting on the waters, Rahul and Oni started their new relationship with a kiss.

Picture Courtesy: Google Images

Bruised, battered and still going strong

In 6 months of her married life, there hasn't been more than 6 days that Neeti has spent happy and contented. Every moment she lived in dread and fright. Fright of her husband Ritesh.

It was an late arranged marriage, 4 months of courtship after the engagement, Ritesh was like a dream come true for Neeti. Good looking, well settled, good family, caring, loving NRI from Canada. He used to take care of Neeti's small small wishes, give her surprises. He sweeped her off her feet, the moment he and his family had come to see her. Neeti just knew that Ritesh is the one for her.

But, not even in her scariest dreams had she thought. what Ritesh might turn into after their wedded life. The first night in her martial home Ritesh came in the bedroom, reeking alcohol. Neeti thought maybe it was his friend who had made him drink.
Her Ritu, was just innocent. But, her assumptions were so wrong. Neeti got a shock of her life when Ritesh flung is arms and placed an unexpected slap on Neeti's specially made up face. The shock was so intense that even tears just stung into her eyes. Neeti was suddenly hearing so many loud abuses flung towards her. She had no idea, what she had done to get all this.
After a while, drunk Ritesh fell asleep on their decorated martial bed. Slowly, realization dawned into Neeti and she spent her first martial night weeping into her beautiful saree.
Next morn was another mixed emotions for Neeti, when a paled faced, sober Ritesh came to her an apologized for his irate behavior last night. Neeti was happy, that Ritesh did realize and hoped that this wouldn't ever happen again. She loved him so much that his, guilt-ridden baby face made her heart melt.
Their honeymoon was lovely and peaceful, amidst the serene nature of Manali. After their honeymoon, Neeti and Ritesh flew back to Canada.

Neeti's ordeal started immediately after she returned from hre honeymoon..Every night Ritesh would come home in an inebriated state,... beat Neeti black and blue, forcibly bed her and sleep off. Next morning he would apologize.
Neeti couldn't face her poor parents because they always wanted to see her happy, her in laws were far away. She was left there, to face her ordeal alone. 30 year old, Bubble, Lively Neeti was now reserved, shy, scared Neeti. She never went out, since the scars were very evident of her body.  She never spoke to her neighbors, dreading their questioning stares.

The neighbors, would many a times hear loud banging, and a sobbing woman. Many times, she would want to run out of the door, but the strange country and her life long teachings of a good wife made her stay back.

Neeti's tears had ceased to flow too, her body now became accustomed to the abuse, every night she would expect Ritesh to whip her nerves off her body and the day he falls flat on the bed without beating her, she says a million thanks to the Almighty.,

After 3 months of constant harassment,Neeti felt very sick and nauseous, a shiver went through her body when she realized that she was pregnant. The moment when she should have been ecstatic, Neeti was dreading the prospect of nurturing a baby with a man like Ritesh. But, she knew she cant or wont kill her child.
She knew, she would guard her baby against the tyranny of Ritesh. The love of her unborn baby was so much that Neeti gained an unknown courage, to walk out of her house, with just the little money that she saved in search of happiness..in search of life....in search of a a future for her unborn baby

Today, there are a millions of Neeti's in the world who have walked out of the traditional typical wife character to make a happy life for themselves

Ladies, Never take an abuse quietly, you are no one's slave. You arent born to impress anyone. Put your happiness first. Speak out. There are ears out there to listen to you..there are hearts out there to love you..there are arms out there to take care of you. You are not alone

Pic Courtsey: www.fanpop.com

Wedding Bells Or Blues?

So much has happened since I was last here. I don't dare apologize, I can only promise that I will be regular enough here from here on.

How have you been, Darlings?

Anyhoo..

I was one who never shied away from the thought of marriage. As in, though I knew it was something that would only happen sometime in the far, non-forseeable future, I always knew that one day when it is time to commit to the man I love in front of all and sundry, I would be ready and I would be happy to.

Friends are falling like flies getting married to men they don't know anything about and some have even had babies in the time I took to grow up and get my head screwed on tight enough. Blogger friends went off to blissful married life too and I silently send up a prayer that they are happy. And though I realised that I have gotten to a point where I can legally choose to tie myself to someone's neck(?), the only thing that really freaked me out was the thought of losing my childhood, losing the simplicity of existence.


I still never had a problem in looking at white dresses and wedding photographers (though, chances of me having a white wedding are less than zero), well, I will be a bride someday, won't I?

Recently a situation came up which might mean that I will be married by April next year. And that's when all hell broke lose. I spent the entire day palpitating, hands shaking and completely unfocussed.

I realise I'll be 24 by then but wtf? How can I commit to someone, anyone, without the guarantee that I will not abhor him in a couple of years for all the things I didn't know about him. How can I make such a big commitment knowing that things can fall apart as easily as they come together... Sometimes even more easily. How can I let a man have all I have got without the guarantee that he won't throw it back in my face?

More importantly, how can I know he will not tire of me or get bored with me? Somehow the thought of the man losing interest scares me more than anything else does. 

When a relationship breaks up, only the parties concerned get hurt but marriage involves families, relatives, friends, classmates, the world and their uncle. And considering marriage is for a good solid 50 years, I wouldn't say my fears are not grounded enough. Would you?

I admit that my faith was always shaky subconsciously given my past and all that I have seen through my childhood, adolescence and recent adulthood, but I need to be able to commit some time right? Relationships were never a problem, now when I think of it, probably because there is no finality in them.

But marriage? The word scares me.

I Crush You...Till I find someone better

What exactly is a crush?
Crush is the instantaneous attraction for someone. a crush is when you think about someone all the time. It is multiple and doesn't last for long.
Sometimes, crushes may turn into love. But, many a times it just fades away as a nice memory or If a new person appears the crush just gets transferred from one person to the other

Yes Girls, Admit it, many times in life you must have seen a super cute guy and wondered "Why can't I be his girlfriend?"

You know..from like teen years having a crush on your classmate or senior, or a swooning over a cute teacher's smile or a charming work colleague.. We all have been there done that...

I personally have had crushes on this rugged, unkempt guys with broad shoulders and nice forearms who have a cliched sense of humor..
I have like a proper rendezvous conversation in my head with my crushes, but the moment he comes in front of me its like I lose me oh-so-confident self, my voice box vanishes and the whole body switches into a dunce retard mode...Im like DAFAQ...Where did all those coo-chi-ccoing-asking-him-for-a-date one week long conversation go off..?

Without a co-worker crush, work seems so be so cold and boring..I mean every girl needs an eye candy. How else would you survive in a mundane environment for 90% of your week..
Yea, though you know you ain't gonna get serious..plus this new crush doesn't re
ally know of your lascivious thoughts over him..
Its actually dangerous for him to show your thoughts...it might turn scandalous ya know...Like really, no one wants to be the "hot topic" at the coffee vending machine area and the butt of smoking area jokes right..

The mind generally wanders off around them, hormones do the talking "How would it be to be with this person?" and everyone hanging on the arms look so wrong to your green-with-envy-eyes..You see them everyday..so its like keeping a juicy bone in front of a hungry chained dog close enough for it to sniff it but not have it..
Then a new cutie enters, and the old crush lies forgotten....

Still.....even after a lot of yes-no's-blushes-secrets-tears-smiles...we never stop crushing on those who make our hearts flutter,even if its temporary

"Darling, I have a big crush on you, till i find someone better"
Happy Crushing!!!

Picture Courtesy: Google Images/Pen.jpg

She's Dying.

Author's Note : I know this is my first post on DOV and it should be something really sweet, but I came across this today in my 8th standard rough book, and decided to post it here! :D

She's Dying.

She's tired of the lies she's heard all of them say,

She's lost, she just cannot find a way.

She's seen them all smiling when she was smiling too,

And then they spoke their mean words, turned their backs

When her life was going off the track..

She learnt the hard way, that nothing and nobody are permanent.

That sometimes life gives you a rude shock,

It calls for your tears, your pain, it drives you insane.

But now she knows who will be there for her, and who all wont.

Now she's aware of the sink holes in her life.

Her mood is down in the trash, in the bin,

She's sick of feeling that way within.

She's this close to giving in.

If you know what to do, help her.

Because she is trying, but she knows she is failing. 

She's broken on the inside, and she is dying!

Grammar sucks, but understand the meaning! :P

So yeah, this was what I'd written once upon a time in 13-years-ville. :P