Disclaimer: This work of story is pure fiction. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, circumstances and situations is co-incidental and not intentional. The purpose is discussion and not hurting/offending feelings of anyone. It is requested from the readers to keep an open mind and not take the events, mentioned herewith, personally. Thank you.
"....So, I love him." I say.
"....So, I love him." I say.
"You mean, you love him too." Hanna tells me, with a poker face.
"...Unfortunately, yes." I give her a sad look and go back to my writing.
"Do you even realize what you are doing?" She says, accusation and judgment making her words seem harsher than I expected them to be.
"Yes. I know. I love two people. At the same time. Equally." I say, flat out.
"You are cheating on him! Your boyfriend, Ira...you have been with him for 2 years now!" Hanna yells, raising her arms in exasperation.
"I am not cheating on Karan. I know Anish for 4 years now and I have not even touched him. I just love him. I cannot explain." I say, knowing that it's a lost cause. There's no point in trying to break the stereotypical shackles she is trying to bind me with. Actually, she is just saying what this society has taught us. Morality. Monogamy. One Partner and all that Jazz.
"Wow. And what if Karan comes to know of this?" She is seething. I am wracking inside with conflict. Anish is with a girl for past 8 years. I like his girl. But neither of us knew this would happen.
"He will leave me. Or, may be he will understand..." I look at Hanna. Perfect. Happily committed to a man for past 7 years, with plans of marriage in pipeline. I am a lost cause.
"Ira, you must tell Karan." Hanna's voice shatters my reverie as my pen dents the page.
"Why? Is there even a need? Anish is my friend. Very Good friend. I love him! He makes me happy! What is SO wrong in that?" I snap. I have no right to do so. But I am tired of judgment. So tired. I am not breaking up with Karan. Both Anish and I are clear of our positions. We eventually will have to choose. And we both know what our choices will be...then where is the problem??
"Ira! He loves you. And this. This is cheating. You are TWO-TIMING!" There. She says it. I flinch as she continues.
"I love Karan too! Come on Hannah! Please. Don't make this seem like a problem...please." I try to make her understand with my eyes.
"The problem lies with you. Right here. Do you understand?" She points at her head. "It's women like you who tarnish the image of relationships. You appear to be Miss Goody-Two-Shoes and then men want to protect you, keep you happy and Voila! Another one caught dead in your snares." Ouch. Hannah has now called me a whore, a slut.
"Hannah...I did not make Anish fall in love with me. You also know very well, I stand up for myself. I have never - never asked a man to help me." How do I make her understand?
"That' s what they fall for, don't they? Independent yet vulnerable. Beautiful yet unaware. Flirts but oh-so-innocent." She glares.
"I want you to leave, right now Hannah. Please. I thought you would not judge me. But, well, I guess I am alone now." I had always maintained that men were better friends sometimes, because they were simple and everything was literal for them. No hidden meanings or grudges. Bro-fist would take care of that.
"F**k you. YOU deserve to be alone. Ruining three lives because of your selfishness." Hannah stalks out of my house.
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That's when I cannot stop crying. I am not selfish. How am I? Have I done such a big sin? How do I change my feelings? Who's at mistake here? Is this even a mistake. We write books on love. We say it's beautiful. Then why am I not allowed to love?
I am two-timing - because I am in love with two men. Because Anish makes me happy. There's something which holds me back when I am with Karan. I mean, I can tell him things - I love him. More than I can imagine - I am comfortable with him. Everything - everything is good with him. Physical and Emotional factor - both. He even thinks I am beautiful when I have a running nose. You get the idea.
But with Anish, I had instantly hit it off. Chemistry was there. Always was. We were more like a bunch of morons - talking, laughing, coffees, fun things like that. With Anish - before we realized we were in love - it was like a wait of the day. To hear each other's voice, teasing, flirting, discussing. When we had met, I was single then. And it was good - I was never the complicated one. And then one day, Karan came. I was swept off by him. Anish knew this - that I was not a keeper for long. He just wanted my friendship, my presence in his life. The same was what I wanted. After an year and a half of togetherness, we both had realized that this was more than friendship and less than love. Or may be, there was no word for it. Every time I speak to Anish now, it's like the World rights itself. He says we both are lousy boyfriend and girlfriend - because we both are so flawed in loving one another.
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Am I the only one who has harbored feelings for another man, while being with a man? Okay, the society depends on my monogamy - but - if I can not help myself, if I need the person, if I feel happy with him - is my choice so wrong? No, don't. Don't say anything. You would ask me to choose. You would say, get psychiatric help, because humans cannot be in love with two people. It is lust or something fucked up like that. But lust and love cannot be kept separate for a long time. Where's there's a spark, there's ought to be a fire.
I cannot bear to hurt Karan, I love him. I cannot imagine leaving him for something, which is not even there in form. I also know that leaving Anish would break me. Same is with him. He is in a relationship for 8 years. That would make me the other woman. And I cannot bear that. I love his girl. She is wonderful - cheerful, happy and so so so loving. No one like this deserves to be hurt. So, where does this leave us? Anish respects Karan. So much so, that when we fight - Karan and I - he tells me, where I am wrong and why I should understand Karan's point. Things are so easy with Anish. So simple. I don't even want him to be with me...nor is he contemplating to leave her. We just want to be. Unspoken. Unbridled.
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There is no choice. Anish and I will never be together - but we need each other's presence in each other's life - as a fall back cushion. I remember him saying, "Ira. If there comes a time, when you have to make a choice, which I know, will come. You know who to choose." Of course we know. We are grown ups. So why? Why do we become hypocrites when it comes to something different? Why do we judge people, when we have our own lives to live? Why, why we don't let someone be?
Because we, at the end of the day, are molded by society. We are spineless gits. We love to ride on a high horse when someone tries to take a stand. We think - Thank God, I am not in her place. We ourselves would have thought so many times of someone, while we are with someone. Then why am I called a slut? Why does loving two men make me a whore? Isn't love pure? Shouldn't I be given time to sort it out? Shouldn't I just let it be, when it is not affecting our current relationships?
I sigh and get back to writing. I do not feel guilty anymore. Should I?
PS: I know, a bold attempt. :D But well, life is all about bold and beautiful. Isn't it? Lemme know what your take is, darlings? Blessed Be!
22 comments:
"Because we, at the end of the day, are molded by society. We are spineless gits. We love to ride on a high horse when someone tries to take a stand. We think - Thank God, I am not in her place." Brilliant lines girl! Like I have said before- You are the most human person I have known. You accept your feelings rather than behaving like a hypocrite. That is precisely what this post is like.
Every girl, no matter how happy she is with her man, has faced this. They are not just ready to accept it! Accepting it is one thing but acting on it is another. We are molded by society but we also got to live in a society and more than that we need to worry about people who love us :) Nevertheless a very very well written post :)
yay!! Am so glad you wrote this post. Beautifully penned and wonderfully expressed. You know I have always felt love is over rated. these romance stuff all around us feed with specific rules and ways of loving people,they just kill the real original romantic in each of us. Instead of exploring love on our own we just try to hard to make our lives like fiction. We forget that life is not a fairytale. We just don't realise that our life could have been better than the novels or films had we given it a chance. Loving two people is not a crime,its more human than we actually imagine. I remember an episode from Sach ka Samna where Rupa Ganguly was disqualified when she said that she loved both her ex husband and her lover at the same time. The lie detector and people couldn't accept its possible,but she kept on insisting that she knew what she felt. I personally agree with her because we cannot always love just one person for everything...we need different things in love and at times its different people who fulfill each criterion. So being in love,romantic love with more than one person is nothing beyond normal. :)
Great post as always. Cheers!!
@Maithili: You know, 99% of the people will be deluded - including myself - that "it's NOT possible to love two people at the same time." We are always trying to confirm within the boundaries which are not made by us, but we follow them, because we are afraid to embrace. I cannot and definitely do not want to change what others think, but I can definitely make them think. Thank you Sis, for liking this! :D :D And you are appreciating me too much, you know how I am. :D *Tight Hug*
@mea coeur: With due respect to your stand, I would say that Society is made from people like you and I. Isn't it? We make rules and we change them as per our convinience and that is what is called "Mob Mentality" What may be "love" for us may not be the same for a third person. A sadist will feel his love is in seeing his partner in pain. A little child will love his puppy, everytime it fetches the ball or runs after it. It's all in our personal opinions. If you see here, she has spent more time with Anish, than Karan - so consequently, she should be bored of Anish. However, she is not. Love, for her, is pure in this aspect that it is MINUS lust. She doesn't *want* both of them, for she knows it's wrong. The reason she is not leaving Karan is because he will be hurt. And if that makes her selfish, then most certainly she is! Ain't you and I selfish too? How can you survive in a Society, without being one? Hypocracy is definitley the right term - we secretly *feel* a lot of things, but don't come out because we are scared that the Society will ostracize us. Well, that is my opinion. And we all are entitled to our own, aren't we? And yes, every heart pains, no matter whether they are in love or not. :)
@Swarnali: :) :D :D Thank you. Yes, Love is one of the most Overrated feeling. We make our partners Gods, when they are mere humans! I mean, it's stupid to expect him or her to be with you 24*7. It's quite understandable, if feelings waiver - what matters in the end is, if you both get back to one another. Life is definitely NOT a fairy tale - and those who have seen it, know. It's is exploring ourselves - others. People who confirm - including me in some places - have forgotten the purpose of this life. We are bound to make mistakes. What matters is, if we learn or gain anything from it. And we do - an Experience to reckon with. Novels, Story books have stories - because they are results of imaginations and when has imagination been tied down? Sad, for people are afraid to venture out of their comfort zones. Thank you My Lady! :D Blessed Be! :) :)
@MSM Don't know why I don't have anything to say after reading this post when everyone else has got so many points to put forward. Don't know why your post just left me speechless and crying!!
@mea coeur: I am sorry that this story hurt you. Really... I understand what the other person feels too...I have been the same, like you, I have felt, what it feels like to be ignored by the one you love. Since I have written this, I know both the sides of the story - betrayal, trust, love - all are feelings not unknown me. I would request you not to take this personally. I am not trying to prove here anything - let's just clarify that - nothing. Relationships - the kinds I've seen and faced may be nothing as compared to the victims (I'd prefer people, because victim word just derogates) - or may be it could be so much more painful that it just doesn't beat anything else. No one can ever be happy by hurting anyone Mea... It really hurts like hell. Please, I would appreciate if you let this story be... It's fiction. Hmm? And no one, thinks they are wrong, when they feel what they are doing is right. Unless they themselves go through the pain of the other, they would never. Someone like you and I needs to tell them... or let them be. What goes around comes around. I know, this might have hurt you immensely and believe me, it was defintely not intentional. I can keep on saying that it's the choice they made. They had the right to choose or move on - stuff like that - and we can keep arguing. I would not like that and I would appreciate, if you do not take this personally anymore. It was meant for discussion and I totally get what you feel and mean. Girl, I have been through what you've. All right? So... believe me, I have stepped in both the shoes and penned this.
I don't know you and you don't know me, so we must not take this personally. I hope you understand.
If I can apologize to you in any other way, please tell me.
@Raumali: I am sorry, if this post hurt you. :(
@mea coeur: Heyy, don't apologize. :)See, we all are mature here...and I totally understand your stand. As you say, there are two sides always - we can't make people choose - we can only observe and learn. I am glad you found a release, with my story. Honestly, it wasn't personal. People can only realize their feelings once they fall...
I am glad, we are sorted. I hope you find peace. I am always here, if you feel like talking. Blessed be. :) :)
@MSM- No dear it's not your fault, you didn't hurt me, there are just some past memories and realisations which hovered up!
This brought up bad memories.
But then I'm not sure I loved both at the same time or I was just afraid to let go and start afresh.
All said and done, society WILL call you a slut and say you're 'loose' if ever you happen to give voice to what you really feel.
@Raumali: *Tight Hug* Believe me, I totally relate... And it takes immense courage to move on... but we do... :) :D We evolve - we are humans after all. :D
@PeeVee: I am glad, they are memories, sweetheart - good or bad. :*
Precisely, we are entitled to be confused! We are emotional creatures - the problem lies when we try to dissect our emotions too much. No one wants to be a "bitch" and love is blind for a reason. You can't pout one thing and be acidic to someone who believes in it.
Society is bound to quelch your voice anyway. It's takes courage to stick to what you believe in. And I think, at one point, we all will be honest enough, atleast to ourselves and stop being delusional.
And I love you. :*
#Trivia: Indian Society has a large cases of wife swapping, Lesbianism and other such Openly poohed issues. Aren't we hypocritical? As educated people, we need to have an open mind.
I say, to hell with taboo.
People are so conscious about making everyone happy that sometimes they forget their own happiness.
Chase your happiness, life is fleeting.
@FL: Thank you! Believe me... sometimes, life isn't always about right or wrong, good or bad - it's about living it! And we really need to keep an open mind. I would never advocate something wrong, but we need to understand not everything different or new is wrong. :D
I loved this post!
Sometimes you cannot make a choice. Sometimes you don't need to. Don't judge me by what I say, but such a situation arises. When you feel you're in love with 2 people at the same time. Society will judge you, but you're helpless. And at such times, do what you heart feels is right. There's no point running from it.
No point at all!
@Confused Soul: Sweetheart, you think I will judge you?? :D :D :D :P :D Precisely what I wanted to portray here. There *is* no need to decide or choose. It's emotions, you cannot always tie them down. Life, is indeed about capturing all the experiences you can. :* Blessed Be!
We should always do what makes us happy. But we should even think about the people involved as we have the right to be happy but have got no right to hurt other people's feelings.
As long as conscious, motives and intentions are pure, no need to worry about anything.
Anyways, the story is excellent. The emotions and views are beautifully described. I liked it. Keep writing.
Cheers :D
@Aatish: Hello! :D Well, precisely my point here....when intentions, motives and conscience is pure, you needn't worry of hurting someone. And yes, no one has a right to hurt another - atleast not intentionally. I am glad you liked it! :D :D
Thank you!! :D :D Blessed Be!
Nice post...It xplores dilemma of a human mind in a fantastic way!!! Cheers :-)
@ArvindS: Thank you! :) :)
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