More than Friendship, Less than Love?

Disclaimer: This work of story is pure fiction. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, circumstances and situations is co-incidental and not intentional. The purpose is discussion and not hurting/offending feelings of anyone. It is requested from the readers to keep an open mind and not take the events, mentioned herewith, personally. Thank you.


"....So, I love him." I say. 

"You mean, you love him too." Hanna tells me, with a poker face.

"...Unfortunately, yes." I give her a sad look and go back to my writing.

"Do you even realize what you are doing?" She says, accusation and judgment making her words seem harsher than I expected them to be. 

"Yes. I know. I love two people. At the same time. Equally." I say, flat out.

"You are cheating on him! Your boyfriend, Ira...you have been with him for 2 years now!" Hanna yells, raising her arms in exasperation.

"I am not cheating on Karan. I know Anish for 4 years now and I have not even touched him. I just love him. I cannot explain." I say, knowing that it's a lost cause. There's no point in trying to break the stereotypical shackles she is trying to bind me with. Actually, she is just saying what this society has taught us. Morality. Monogamy. One Partner and all that Jazz.

"Wow. And what if Karan comes to know of this?" She is seething. I am wracking inside with conflict. Anish is with a girl for past 8 years. I like his girl. But neither of us knew this would happen.

"He will leave me. Or, may be he will understand..." I look at Hanna. Perfect. Happily committed to a man for past 7 years, with plans of marriage in pipeline. I am a lost cause.

 "Ira, you must tell Karan." Hanna's voice shatters my reverie as my pen dents the page.

"Why? Is there even a need? Anish is my friend. Very Good friend. I love him! He makes me happy! What is SO wrong in that?" I snap. I have no right to do so. But I am tired of judgment. So tired. I am not breaking up with Karan. Both Anish and I are clear of our positions. We eventually will have to choose. And we both know what our choices will be...then where is the problem??

"Ira! He loves you. And this. This is cheating. You are TWO-TIMING!" There. She says it. I flinch as she continues. 

"I love Karan too! Come on Hannah! Please. Don't make this seem like a problem...please." I try to make her understand with my eyes.

"The problem lies with you. Right here. Do you understand?" She points at her head. "It's women like you who tarnish the image of relationships. You appear to be Miss Goody-Two-Shoes and then men want to protect you, keep you happy and Voila! Another one caught dead in your snares." Ouch. Hannah has now called me a whore, a slut.

"Hannah...I did not make Anish fall in love with me. You also know very well, I stand up for myself. I have never - never asked a man to help me." How do I make her understand?

"That' s what they fall for, don't they? Independent yet vulnerable. Beautiful yet unaware. Flirts but oh-so-innocent." She glares.

"I want you to leave, right now Hannah. Please. I thought you would not judge me. But, well, I guess I am alone now." I had always maintained that men were better friends sometimes, because they were simple and everything was literal for them. No hidden meanings or grudges. Bro-fist would take care of that.

"F**k you. YOU deserve to be alone. Ruining three lives because of your selfishness." Hannah stalks out of my house.

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That's when I cannot stop crying. I am not selfish. How am I? Have I done such a big sin? How do I change my feelings? Who's at mistake here? Is this even a mistake. We write books on love. We say it's beautiful. Then why am I not allowed to love? 

I am two-timing - because I am in love with two men. Because Anish makes me happy. There's something which holds me back when I am with Karan. I mean, I can tell him things - I love him. More than I can imagine - I am comfortable with him. Everything - everything is good with him. Physical and Emotional factor - both. He even thinks I am beautiful when I have a running nose. You get the idea.

But with Anish, I had instantly hit it off. Chemistry was there. Always was. We were more like a bunch of morons - talking, laughing, coffees, fun things like that. With Anish - before we realized we were in love - it was like a wait of the day. To hear each other's voice, teasing, flirting, discussing. When we had met, I was single then. And it was good - I was never the complicated one. And then one day, Karan came. I was swept off by him. Anish knew this - that I was not a keeper for long. He just wanted my friendship, my presence in his life. The same was what I wanted. After an year and a half of togetherness, we both had realized that this was more than friendship and less than love. Or may be, there was no word for it. Every time I speak to Anish now, it's like the World rights itself. He says we both are lousy boyfriend and girlfriend - because we both are so flawed in loving one another. 

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Am I the only one who has harbored feelings for another man, while being with a man? Okay, the society depends on my monogamy - but - if I can not help myself, if I need the person, if I feel happy with him - is my choice so wrong? No, don't. Don't say anything. You would ask me to choose. You would say, get psychiatric help, because humans cannot be in love with two people. It is lust or something fucked up like that. But lust and love cannot be kept separate for a long time. Where's there's a spark, there's ought to be a fire.

I cannot bear to hurt Karan, I love him. I cannot imagine leaving him for something, which is not even there in form. I also know that leaving Anish would break me. Same is with him. He is in a relationship for 8 years. That would make me the other woman. And I cannot bear that. I love his girl. She is wonderful - cheerful, happy and so so so loving. No one like this deserves to be hurt. So, where does this leave us? Anish respects Karan. So much so, that when we fight - Karan and I - he tells me, where I am wrong and why I should understand Karan's point. Things are so easy with Anish. So simple. I don't even want him to be with me...nor is he contemplating to leave her. We just want to be. Unspoken. Unbridled.

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There is no choice. Anish and I will never be together - but we need each other's presence in each other's life - as a fall back cushion. I remember him saying, "Ira. If there comes a time, when you have to make a choice, which I know, will come. You know who to choose." Of course we know. We are grown ups. So why? Why do we become hypocrites when it comes to something different? Why do we judge people, when we have our own lives to live? Why, why we don't let someone be?

Because we, at the end of the day, are molded by society. We are spineless gits. We love to ride on a high horse when someone tries to take a stand. We think - Thank God, I am not in her place. We ourselves would have thought so many times of someone, while we are with someone. Then why am I called a slut? Why does loving two men make me a whore? Isn't love pure? Shouldn't I be given time to sort it out? Shouldn't I just  let it be, when it is not affecting our current relationships? 

I sigh and get back to writing. I do not feel guilty anymore. Should I?

PS: I know, a bold attempt. :D But well, life is all about bold and beautiful. Isn't it? Lemme know what your take is, darlings? Blessed Be!