July 23, 2012


Posted by Wings of Harmony at 2:31 PM
Dear Bauji,

Yes, I still call you that Papa, haven't you noticed? I remember I was 6 when you'd said you hated the word "Papa" and wanted me to call you Bauji. And so I did, to make you happy. Now I am grown up, but there were times, when I used to get scared if I called you Papa.

How are you? I know you are stressed but I also know you wouldn't share why? Do you know how old I am? No? Umm, do you know I want to become a writer?

You asked me to jump off the building, cause I wasted my time.

It’s been so long that we have spoken like civilized human beings that I don’t remember what it felt like listening to you speak softly. Do you know how it felt when you said I was mentally unfit and I must be thrown out? I remember that was the first time I screamed at you, because you put me through emotional stress, so much so that my teachers begged you to let me off. I am still struggling to think whether I am normal. 

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It’s been a week that you’ve spoken to me. Why? Because I answered back to you? Because I keep doing that quite often? Because I’ve had to take up the responsibility of speaking for everyone and now I’ve no control on what I say? Was it my mistake that I am fat? I know you are concerned, but you see me work hard towards losing it, does it make no difference to you?

Was it my mistake that I blacked out? I was hungry for more than 24 hours! Did you see that? You were concerned? That’s not how I have heard anyone else’s father talk when their daughters are unwell. I’ve come to accept that you are not expressive, but is it an excuse enough to stop talking to me?

You know, it hurts real bad to be in an abusive relationship. Yes, emotionally abusive. You hurl insults at me without bothering what they do to me. Have you wondered why I don’t make friends or don’t stick together? Because I let them control me. I let them bully me, just for approval. Because I am deprived of love – love which only a father could give. Why do you think, I let guys fall for me?? Because, somewhere deep down in my heart, I expect them to respect and love me, the way you should. Which father treats his daughter the way you do? Why when everyone has faith in me, you don’t? Why have I never heard you say – I am so proud of you! Why do I always see that underlying suspicion in your eyes – You wasted my money. Why, why don’t you listen to me when I say I am scared of people, of situations and my insecurities? Why don’t you believe in me, that I will get a job which will keep your nose in the society? Why is it so hard for you to bear me around you, when it’s not been even a month?

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Papa, I’ve always done what you’ve asked me to. I gave up on my dream to be a designer for something you approved of. You didn’t talk to me for three days then. Remember? I never went out to meet my friends because you didn’t like it. Because you wanted them to come to our place, every time. Friendship is reciprocating – but how will you understand? You say you cannot be my friend – I don’t ask you to be – but dad, sometimes, there are things, which I cannot discuss with Maa, like my job or career and I would need confidence to take a step. You say, I will only be planning. But do you realize you don’t let me make mistakes. You make it hell for me for a single slip up. I know I didn’t score well, but you forgot how this year had been? You forgot how I battled with college, detentions, maa’s health and house work and yet, managed to write an exam which would decide my fate? Are you not a bit happy that at least I cleared?

You say things which people say you don’t mean. I have believed that for past 24 years. That someday, someday, I will get your approval. What do you have in mind, dad? That I earn 50,000/- bucks so that you can tell everyone? But dad, are you not happy with the way I am?Dad, did you know I write? Do you know I sketch really well? Have you noticed the things I write? I remember you read my poem once without asking. You didn't notice it was for you, but you said I was dark and a loner. Ever thought why? You never fail to remind me how my friends are better looking than I am or how they are already earning. Have you not noticed the appreciation or prizes I win for sketching? Or may be, they are as useless as you say they are.

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Remember, when I had to take counseling? For emotional sustenance? My counselor said I was mature and had seen things throughout childhood and hence, it is all right to be insecure. But do you realize, how worthless I feel when you say - Oh, whatever. You don't understand what an insecurity is, do you? Ever after I told you, it made no difference. I gave you a letter, a card appreciating you – I was delusional that things between us, after 13 years, were all right. How wrong you’ve proved me! You scold me for things which I don’t do and you know that. It’s painful to be at home where you don’t feel at home at all. Mom has asked me to leave for my own good – and I hope I do that. Do you notice my lack of sleep in the nights or that I keep trying to make peace? Do you notice how much I struggle to see you smile? You say you cannot change the way you are. But are you really this way? Do you really don't like what I say or do?

You know how I wish to die every day, because I cannot bear to see you like this? How did I become so Love-Deprived Papa? Why am I not satisfied even though there are people who love me? Why do I seek to be an Adrenaline Junkie, when I could just talk to you and let out my frustration? Why am I reminded of how much you spent on me when I was born? I would have died if you wouldn't have. And if you wouldn't have, how would that make you my father? Once okay, twice I ignored and thrice? Is it really such a set back? You know I spoke to Maa and cried. She said I was strong and shouldn't cry. Now, where should I go Dad? I am "strong", "mature" I talk too much, I am arrogant, I am useless, I am fat and I am nothing that you want me to be - yet, are you not my father? Are you not someone, who is so much like me and yet, nothing like me. I yearn for a life Papa, which would be happy. 

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Ask people who know me, how sad I am - loner and desperate for attention. Why Papa? Why am I like this? And if you can't bear me, so much, why would anyone else take the pain to understand and listen to me everyday? People tell me I am wayyy too serious in life - because I didn't learn to be not serious. You never let me make a mistake. You expect me to be perfect. My teachers knew me better than you did and you - you never cared to ask why I was so timid in school. 

I hear you speak when your lips don't move, but you don't even listen to me when I speak out loud.

I don't want to say it, but I am depressed. I told you I was but you rubbished it. Your lack of confidence in me is heart breaking. You don't see how it hurts when you mention bro's stellar academic record and skill fully skip mine. I embarrass you dad, don't I? Yet, I hope that someday, someday soon - you will find a way to accept me the way I am. But you know Papa, sometimes, this hope fades away. Like now... Yet, I write this, in hope to put across what I feel.

Do you love me Papa? Do you hate me? Am I anything you wanted?

Someday, I will be.

I still love you,
The Most Imperfect Daughter

PS: I don't intend to make anyone sad through this post. If I might have, please bear with me.
PPS: I had come across emotional abuse mostly between partners and this is an attempt to understand how a child in parent-child relationship gets affected when subject to emotional abuse.


maithili on July 23, 2012 at 6:33 PM said...

Aww I know I m not supposed to say that "it will be ok" or " you are strong" because I know how much it irritates!! I have been in some of the situations above and I bet it detriments you emotionally.. All I can say is- I wish he understood better :(

Divya on July 23, 2012 at 7:32 PM said...

I can relate to this to such a large extent...My heart goes out to you..I am not sure I can understand truly what you are experiencing because no matter how similar our experiences may have been, I cannot trivialize the way you feel by using the two words "I understand".
We are all abused emotionally in any relationship - I wish parents would not do that to us...There are times I have felt blackmailed but i have managed to find my way out...May You find that strength too :)

Mystical Skeptical Me on July 23, 2012 at 7:43 PM said...

@Maithili: Yeah, I wish so too... I am glad I could speak this out here. *Hugs*

@Divya: Reading this for me, means a lot to me... really. Thank you for the wishes! :D :) *Hugs*

Keirthana on July 23, 2012 at 9:52 PM said...

I am not gonna just tell "I understand" because I do so much more than that. Though not to this extent, I can relate to this on some level and your writing made me reach the rest of the levels. I wish you strength to keep up the hope and wish that he comes around. Take care darling. Life puts us to test for a reason and maybe there is a big reason for this or not. Whatever it is, I wish you all the strength in the world that you can gather.

Kiara on July 23, 2012 at 11:48 PM said...

I'm not quite sure what to say to you, sometimes people just don't understand us, but I'm glad you've written about it here. This is why I love blogging, we're able to release some thoughts out of our minds.

meoww on July 24, 2012 at 7:49 AM said...

Like a blurry haze, life pushes you through a messed up maze
Relations, emotions will take you for a ride always
Broken,defeated, fallen, snapped from within
Moments will find you struggling to keep up that chin

Let not the frustrating darkness bog you down
Your face looks just beautiful albeit the frown

Slowly magically you will grow
Make this life your own roadshow
I love you Mishti..
Always have
Always will..

Goddess be with you.
blessed be.

PS- the list be still still pending..pffft

Cheers ! :-P

Mystical Skeptical Me on July 24, 2012 at 11:59 AM said...

@Keirthana: Thank you...I need that. *Hugs*

@Kiara: I knoww, I feel much better after letting this out. Thank you! :)

@Meoww: You know I love you too...and those lines, I've already read more than 6 times. I love you, Meoww. Always have, Always Will :*

Oh the list! *Smacks her forehead* Sowie! :D

Pesto Sauce on July 24, 2012 at 2:00 PM said...

I can relate to this in so so many ways....I am well aware how such bad relationships can torment one badly, if I have to advice I would suggest that you try to get away for if all these years your persistent efforts have not borne any fruit chances are future will also be similar, so see if you can get away soon

Aditi Ray on July 25, 2012 at 9:56 PM said...

okayyyy.. just come here and hug me!!
thts wat v both need!!

Mystical Skeptical Me on July 26, 2012 at 12:16 PM said...

@Pesto Sauce: I am planning that too. Toxic relationships are worse... I just hope to stand on my own.

@Ray: *Super tight Hug* :) :)

DEE DEE on August 2, 2012 at 5:37 PM said...

I wanna hug you....
God, I have unknowingly come to care for you in my head

DEE DEE on August 2, 2012 at 5:40 PM said...

i have been very very fortunate not to be in sucha turbulent relationship..
but, it was so hard for me to even read it...god you went thru all this..that too all alone

after the previous comment i read the other comments...
Hugs to everyone who faced a "not so happy" scnario at home
hugs to everyone who have been judged and compared by people whom they love the most

Mystical Skeptical Me on August 24, 2012 at 11:41 PM said...

@DEE DEE: *Hugs* Don't worry girl! :) Life gives us all good and bad. I am glad, you care! :) :) :)

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