January 3, 2012

Don't Love Me Anymore

Posted by Wings of Harmony at 9:08 PM
I was standing before my School Church alone. The First bell had gone and I should have been running towards my class, but I was scared...I didn't want to go back. They would be there. My entire so-called group of friends. They had shunned me and abandoned me, for no reason. I had stooped low, begged for friendship, company and an explanation. None was given to me. But like always, I didn't utter a word, not a single tear...I was too timid to counteract, to question. I was used to acting without questioning anyway.  I turned back to the closed doors of the Church, closing my eyes tightly and asking God to give me some self-esteem, but He was busy listening to the smarter people next to me. I sighed and turned to walk away. 
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"Hey, chal main tere saath chalti hoon." [Here, I'll walk with you] Sreeja said. She was in my class...and we had struck a silent friendship. She offered her hand and I took it like the proverbial straw. Things changed then. I completely left my group and started hanging out with Sreeja and her friends. My other friends commented, "Jaa na be tu, usi ke saath reh poorey din. Why do you even come near us?" [Eh, Go away no, you. Stay with her whole day]. I as usual had been trying to amend whatever unknown things I had done and was shooed away like a stray dog. At home I was lonely, now at school I had no one. But then I saw Sreeja waving at me...and I got up and walked up to her. Her friends loved me. 12th Grade had brought me closer to her. But at home, my mother saw how terribly lonely I was. I broke down before her, on my knees I cried. My mother couldn't do anything except look at me crumbling. Loneliness, Depression, my mother didn't know the terms...but she could see, how terribly wronged I was. 
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She let me close to Sreeja. Sreeja had saved me from the most disastrous social death. 

This was almost 7 years back. We stood by each other through severe tests of time. I was her strength, she was my weakness. We passed always. Never, ever, I had thought, that the time would change something in me, that would question my belief in the word *Best Friend*.

She met her guy. Every time I came down to Bhopal, if she was there, I used to meet her....and I met her guy then. She was smitten. In love with him. He obviously loved her too...I was proud of him. No, this isn't about Him or Her or even me. This is about just Sreeja and me. I started to drift away. I was so caught up in my college life, I couldn't talk to her everyday. I felt guilty. I told her so. She never thought otherwise, though on one occasion she did mention that I had changed, had become colder. I justified my actions (of not texting or calling her daily) as  being occupied too much. However, whenever she called me or if I did, when I felt guilty or when I had balance, it never felt like there was something amiss. Honestly though, sometimes I felt, I wasn't giving my 100%. I used to have this feeling that anyone who comes to our lives comes for a short time, to show us a way and when that purpose is over, they leave. I had a feeling that Sreeja will also drift away, but I knew I wanted it to happen. Because...I wasn't feeling happy. Earlier the things I used to feel for her, I worked towards them genuinely. Now, when I call her, I force myself so that she isn't hurt or doesn't feel that I am ignoring her.
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I do love her, but I don't feel it anymore. I would jump before a train if it touches her, but that would be more like I...I would do it out of habit, out of the need to protect her, but...I am confused. I usually sort out my feelings on my own...but this has been bothering me for a while. I have two choices - either I keep the way things are going, occasionally texting and calling her, letting things be OR let myself drift away. I don't know and I need something, anything to assure me that with time, I will accept this too as a part of life. Am I being too analytical or practical? What should I do?

19 comments:

Manju M on January 3, 2012 at 9:19 PM said...

You reminded me of my class 12 days...5 years back...i was too abandoned from my friends for reasons unknown. I too was perplexed. But you were lucky to have somebody by your side at such a time..i had nobody..i too cried in front of my mom..but little did it help..hold on to her..step into my shoes and you will soon realize her value...

Manju M on January 3, 2012 at 9:19 PM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
chirag on January 3, 2012 at 9:43 PM said...

i think you should talk to her again, she knows from the days when you were in school, she can understand you much better than anyother friends of yours.
i also have a friend from my childhood since class 2nd we still are best friend sometime days gone when we didn't talk too much but still our friendship remains intact and it grows stronger and stronger.

sumitra on January 3, 2012 at 9:46 PM said...

It's not uncommon for the best of friends to drift away with time. I can relate to what you've written completely. When events and situations change, the relevance of people changes too. I have felt the same way as you did, I know I would give a kidney to save a friend, but I did not feel the same way about the friendship anymore. It's unintentional, but things just change. I've been accused of it as well. But, trust me, time will heal everything.

Aditi Ray on January 3, 2012 at 9:51 PM said...

its perfectly alrite n normal wateva is happenin to u both!
life goes on n v lose touch with ppl who used to b the center of our life. bt thts life!
the important thing is that u remember her as as integral part of ur life!
so chillax dahling!wrry nt! :D
aisa sab k sath hota he... u r nt alone thr..

Mr Lonely on January 4, 2012 at 1:09 PM said...

walking here with a smile. take care.. have a nice day ~ =D

Regards,
http://www.lonelyreload.com (A Growing Teenager Diary) ..

Keirthana on January 4, 2012 at 7:25 PM said...

You remind me of myself. This exact thing is what happened to me. I was a very sociable person until a few months after college. By very sociable,I mean a lot of that. But then somehow, I drifted apart and now I felt the exact same thing about my friends. I love them, but something had changed.I do not know if it is me or time. I have even felt socially incapacitated.

But then I realized that it happens with every one. It is nothing to worry of, my dear. You still love your friend and all that. Maybe down the line, we change and they change or the situations make us change.. But nevertheless, we love our friends and that is what matters.

I would advise you not to force false feelings just to be the same you as in the past. Just be what you are now and express as much as you feel comfortable. That way it is better.

Hope you get an answer for your question.

Confused Soul on January 4, 2012 at 11:03 PM said...

MSM when I read this post I felt like I was you.. I mean I do that sometimes. I don't know if that means I'm selfish or arrogant. ALl I know is I tend to move away..

But I think you should speak to Sreeja once about how you feel. Tell her whatever you've shared with us. She won't judge you because you guys have been best friends. And that IS a very strong bond. She will understand.

Eventually you guys will be sorted and then you'll can take a call. But I think you should give this friendship a second chance. Just my opinion. Because a true friend is hard to find. I would want them by my side.

I hope whatever happens is for the better love! Good luck okay :)

sumukh bansal on January 5, 2012 at 2:15 AM said...

it was hard to make them understand in my case.. still trying to sort it out...

Ashwini on January 5, 2012 at 10:42 AM said...

I'm sure most of us would have been at that place at some point of time or the other. She was the one who helped you when you had no one to turn to. SO despite being busy,DO not drift away, an occasional call or a random visit, would make things better.

Megha Sarin on January 5, 2012 at 5:24 PM said...

Aww…I went through it and it happens with so many of us. But i feel if there is some thing from the other side then one should always make an effort <3
You should go and talk and if people still want to be in your life then you should welcome them with open arms..

Love
http://www.meghasarin.blogspot.com

Mirage on January 6, 2012 at 7:42 PM said...

I'm sorry I cannot really suggest anything on this issue because I too am stuck in a similar situation. It is hard, I know. Just hold on tight, sweetheart. :*

Mystical Skeptical Me on January 7, 2012 at 3:05 PM said...

@Everyone: I am so glad for the beautiful suggestions.... All your comments made me think...I will wait. I will take my time. She understands...has always understood and I will not give up on her....She has been in my life for a very long time....I can't afford to let her go. Thank you all, for understanding. Means a lot! <3

Paanipuri Lover on January 11, 2012 at 6:58 PM said...

Aww! Pradeeta! *big hug*
It'll be fine! I'm quite certain! :D
I hope it does! :D
Losing friends scares the living daylights outta me, though! :|
Like always, your posts make me think! :-)

Mystical Skeptical Me on January 11, 2012 at 7:07 PM said...

@Khushboo: *Tight Hug* I am in such a teary mood, if you had done that in real, I'd have cried. :| Things have been looking up with Sreeja. I spoke to her... :D :* Thanks for reading sweetheart! <3

Paanipuri Lover on January 12, 2012 at 11:36 AM said...

Awwh! You spoke to her?! Nice! :D
And, why cry? WHY? Apne abhi bhi yahin hai! Chill! :*
It is fine now, right?! :D

Mystical Skeptical Me on January 12, 2012 at 7:25 PM said...

@Khushboo: :* I am glad... <3 For now, it is. :) :)

Paanipuri Lover on January 13, 2012 at 4:51 PM said...

Awwh! :D

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