I was standing before my School Church alone. The First bell had gone and I should have been running towards my class, but I was scared...I didn't want to go back. They would be there. My entire so-called group of friends. They had shunned me and abandoned me, for no reason. I had stooped low, begged for friendship, company and an explanation. None was given to me. But like always, I didn't utter a word, not a single tear...I was too timid to counteract, to question. I was used to acting without questioning anyway. I turned back to the closed doors of the Church, closing my eyes tightly and asking God to give me some self-esteem, but He was busy listening to the smarter people next to me. I sighed and turned to walk away.
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This was almost 7 years back. We stood by each other through severe tests of time. I was her strength, she was my weakness. We passed always. Never, ever, I had thought, that the time would change something in me, that would question my belief in the word *Best Friend*.
She met her guy. Every time I came down to Bhopal, if she was there, I used to meet her....and I met her guy then. She was smitten. In love with him. He obviously loved her too...I was proud of him. No, this isn't about Him or Her or even me. This is about just Sreeja and me. I started to drift away. I was so caught up in my college life, I couldn't talk to her everyday. I felt guilty. I told her so. She never thought otherwise, though on one occasion she did mention that I had changed, had become colder. I justified my actions (of not texting or calling her daily) as being occupied too much. However, whenever she called me or if I did, when I felt guilty or when I had balance, it never felt like there was something amiss. Honestly though, sometimes I felt, I wasn't giving my 100%. I used to have this feeling that anyone who comes to our lives comes for a short time, to show us a way and when that purpose is over, they leave. I had a feeling that Sreeja will also drift away, but I knew I wanted it to happen. Because...I wasn't feeling happy. Earlier the things I used to feel for her, I worked towards them genuinely. Now, when I call her, I force myself so that she isn't hurt or doesn't feel that I am ignoring her.
I do love her, but I don't feel it anymore. I would jump before a train if it touches her, but that would be more like I...I would do it out of habit, out of the need to protect her, but...I am confused. I usually sort out my feelings on my own...but this has been bothering me for a while. I have two choices - either I keep the way things are going, occasionally texting and calling her, letting things be OR let myself drift away. I don't know and I need something, anything to assure me that with time, I will accept this too as a part of life. Am I being too analytical or practical? What should I do?
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