November 10, 2011

Guest Post of the Month- by Kalpak

Posted by maithili at 5:49 PM
            It is time for the guest post of the month and our Martian guest this month is Kalpak. For those who don't know about him - He is a blogger who set his readers rolling with laughter. He has a huge following in just 3 months and as Dragon says his post is incomplete without "his thing" and "poop" :D :D
            On Darlings of Venus he decided to (yes he offered to write making it easier for me to select the male guest writer :D :D ) to dole out his fiction which is not funny. So read on this new side of Kalpak's writing and I m sure the regular readers of his blog would go in denial and think its someone else ghost writing for Kalpak.


WORK – LIFE BALANCE

                The candles were lit, the soft music was on, the bed was sprinkled with rose petals, and the room was filled with an exotic fragrance. Two glasses of red wine sat on the corner table. She had set the perfect mood for a passionate early morning session with her husband. She had even purchased a very erotic lingerie set.
                All she had to do now was to wait for him to get back home. It was half past five in the morning, and her husband would be at the door any moment. She couldn’t wait. They were going to be making love after a really long time; seventy five years to be precise.
                Light had slowly started making its way through the shut curtains, spoiling the feel of the room. The sun seemed to be rising much faster that day for her.
                It was six, and her husband hadn’t shown up. He had promised her that he would be sneaking out a couple of hours from work and coming home to spend some time with her. But he didn’t keep it. Her husband, the workaholic that he was, had already started his shift in another side of earth, where night would have just started.
                She angrily tore down the curtains, threw the wine glasses at the wall, and stared crying loudly. After a while, she pulled herself together and went for a shower.
                She didn’t want to be alone that day. She rang up her best friend, asking her to meet up for lunch.
                “Hi, it’s me.”
                They never addressed each other with names. They never addressed each other at all. They would always just start talking. None of them had a name. Those who knew them only knew them as Mrs. Satan and Mrs. God.
                “Hey. How are you? What happened? You don’t sound fine.”
                “Can we meet for lunch?”
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“Thank you for meeting with me.”
                “What happened dear? Is everything ok? Your eyes tell me you have cried them out!”
                Mrs. Satan then told Mrs. God all that had occurred that morning; how her husband’s job was ruining their marriage.
                “It used to be all happy in the beginning, when life on earth was new. Initially he hardly had any work, as there hardly were any sinners down there. But since these humans started multiplying like virus, their sins also kept increasing, and hence did his workload.”
                “But your husband is doing a good job punishing all the sinners,” Mrs. God tried to console her. “If it weren’t for him and his fear among humans, earth would be same as your husband’s workplace, Hell.”
                Mrs. God was faking her concern. She always knew that things were not well between Mr. and Mrs. Satan. She was an evil woman, Mrs. God. She basked in the fact that her husband could take out time for her anytime she wanted, a luxury that Satan’s wife never had.
                “Oh please. Earth already is ruined. Earthlings hardly fear my husband anymore. Those days are way behind us.”
                Mrs. God stole a smirk. She was aware of this too. Over the ages, the fear of Satan had gradually waned among humans. Her husband, God, had much more hold over the humans now.
                “Have you ever thought of landing up in Hell? You know, surprising him in his office.”
                “I had tried that once. But the Imps wouldn’t let me enter his cabin. ‘Boss is busy’ they’d say. And besides, I can’t stand being at his workplace. All the fire and hot liquids and screaming, burning humans are too creepy for me.”
                “Your life is so much better,” Mrs. Satan continued after a pause. “Even your husband’s job is perennial, but he gives you so much time. His workload is nothing compared to my husband’s. In fact, it is because my husband’s work has piled up that your husband’s work is easing. I have even heard that Heaven is over-staffed. Is it true that there are more angels under your husband now to manage the humans than the humans themselves?”
                “Well, that’s true,” said Mrs. God, trying to fake an empathetic expression.
                “Great! And over here my husband has to manage most of the humans as he is under-staffed with his Imps.”
                There was a momentary silence. Mrs. God was at the loss of words; loss of fake words to be apt. She just held her friend’s hand and said, “It’s going to be ok.”
                “Yes it will be. And I even know how.”
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                It was never an easy thing to set up a meeting with The Creator; even if you were God or Satan yourself. But Mrs. Satan had done that very thing; and that too without Satan having any knowledge about it. She had gotten access to The Creator’s office, and had set up a five minute appointment with The Creator.
                The Creator had also shown interest, because throughout The Creator’s lifetime of eternity, never had the wife of any of The Creator’s employees sent The Creator a message stating that it was urgent. A portal was specially created for Mrs. Satan to travel to The Creator’s headquarters, somewhere in the universe.
                “Tell me dear, what was so urgent that you had to request this confidential meet with me.”
                This was Mrs. Satan’s first ever interaction with The Creator. The Creator, she realized, didn’t have any appearance. The Creator was just a voice, and an aura.
                “I come to you with a grievance, Creator. My husband’s work has increased multi-fold over the ages. His Hell is under-staffed. I understand that his work is perennial, and it is the most important, but as a wife I have my needs to. I require spending some time with my husband, which I never get to.
                “Even God has a similar job, he just takes care of the good people, but he is always able to give time to his wife.”
                Mrs. Satan here wasn’t complaining about God. She was too good a person to do such a thing. She always had the best in heart for Mr. and Mrs. God. She was just comparing God’s and Satan’s jobs to explain the injustice being done to her marriage.
                The Creator went silent for a moment, perhaps thinking. The Creator then instantly summoned God and Satan into The Creator‘s office, and The Creator also summoned God’s wife, because The Creator felt it proper to have her involved.
                “God, Satan,” The Creator said, “you two have been managing Earth brilliantly so far. God, you have done your job so well over the ages that now you hardly have work, and Satan, your focus and dedication towards your job are commendable. But I think now it’s time to make a few changes.”
                Mrs. Satan was the only one who could sense what was coming, since she was the only one who knew that she had initiated everything. All the other three thought that like them, The Creator had summoned her there too.
                “God,” The Creator continued, “From this day, you are going to take over Hell and its management. And Satan, the management of Heaven is being handed over to you.”
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Ten years had passed since The Creator had announced the change in the profiles of God and Satan. Both the couples were meeting over dinner. It was now much easier for Satan to take out time for the dinner, since he was handling Heaven. Even God, in spite of being handling Hell, was able to make time for the dinner. He actually had covered up the Imp shortage in Hell by moving some Angels there from the over-staffed Heaven.  
                Everyone was now happy. Mrs. Satan was happy; her husband had a lot more time for her now. And she could also visit her husband’s new workplace. Satan was happy; he was still the workaholic that he always had been, but now he was able to give his wife the time she deserved. God was happy; he too had been a workaholic like Satan, and his new job was satisfying all his desires of additional work. Even Mrs. God was happy, because her husband used to still be able to take out whatever little time possible for her. It was never adequate, but she had no option but to do with it. And Mrs. God and Mrs. Satan were still the best of friends, because Mrs. God never came to know that the job swapping had happened due to Mrs. Satan.
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We are happy that Kalpak decided to share his first fiction here on Darlings of Venus and yes I m sure he is going to steal a lot of limelight for that too .. Thank you Kalpak for writing for Darlings of Venus and thank you specially for volunteering to write for us.  I know you will  get a few more followers tonight :) 








P.S : Freelancer is an admin here and I see a lot of people asking "What is a male admin doing here?". Firstly he is a dear friend of mine and a very good cook (as he confesses) . He is here as an admin because he has experience with group blogs and I thought he could help us with a lot of problems faced while managing a group blog and so he does. I have been looking for someone who could post recipes regularly and he is just the guy (wow now I know he is going to post recipes regularly).

P.P.S The Martian of the month could be any blogger wanting to write on Darlings of Venus and not Freelancer always. So if any of the male bloggers is interested in writing for Dov then please drop in a mail at darlingsofvenus@gmail.com. The topic has to be women centric or you can write in reply to any of the posts written by any darling that  month.


14 comments:

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 10, 2011 at 7:51 PM said...

Hello Mr. Martian/Kalpak, what a brilliant post, I must say. No wonder, thanks to the genius likes of Mrs. Satan, Earthlings now don't understand why doing good never fetches them anything good in return and why sinners are also the happiest. :D

Good One! :D :D

Paanipuri Lover on November 10, 2011 at 8:08 PM said...

Badhiya tha ekdum! Mast! No emotional syappa and all! You posted like a man should! :-P
And MSM, you said the truth! :P

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 10, 2011 at 8:27 PM said...

@Paanipuri Lover: *Wide Grin* Hehe :P

Viya ;) on November 10, 2011 at 8:54 PM said...

Sooopah! ;)

The DRAGON in the skin of a goat ;-p on November 10, 2011 at 10:53 PM said...

Poopy, so did they finally make love or do we have to wait for another 65 years to find out? BTW, tere dimag mein yeh sab idea kaise ate hai re? I know wht GOD had to move over to hell, he had to come visit you while you were pooping na :P....acha enough kidding...I've know you for a short time, you oh-so-funny martian poopy, but I've grown addicted to your posts...sometimes the jokes keep replaying in my head and I burst out laughing during meetings, with all the sadoos giving me weird looks :P :P :P....keep writing poopy...love ya <3 <3 <3

kalpak n. on November 11, 2011 at 9:07 AM said...

@ MSM: thanks buddy :)

@ Paanipuri Lover: u seem to be obsessed with the word syappa it seems. :) thank u.

@ viya: thank you :)

@ skinny dragon (yup...im still callin u dat) : thank u miss titanium balls. ur a sweetheart. such a feel good comment :)

Paanipuri Lover on November 11, 2011 at 9:58 AM said...

Actually, I don't have a replacement for the word 'syappa'...! :P

Red Handed on November 11, 2011 at 12:22 PM said...

So Mr Kalpak lands here too :P
Good one boss! I like this Mrs Satan..
Now tell me from whr did u get this idea? Wht were u exactly doing when this idea hit u :P

kalpak n. on November 11, 2011 at 1:21 PM said...

@ red: i was takin a shower. i get most of my ideas under long showers. why but?

Smita on November 11, 2011 at 8:41 PM said...

whoa! that was a great read.
simply superb idea.
admins, please keep trapping such martians for such wonderful posts :P

Keirthana on November 12, 2011 at 1:02 PM said...

Sooper dooper post,kalpak :) I was feeling a little down, since Maithili had introduced the post as of non-humorous genre. I thought I would be missing the kalpak-touch. But, you made up for it :D

What's with you and God, man? You seem to be eating his brain in every one of ur posts :P :P

Anyway, loved it :)

Destiny's child... on November 13, 2011 at 10:40 PM said...

That was too good! Poor Mrs. Satan but I am already her fan. How tactful and clever and wise of her! :D

May be it's because I have just started reading your blogs that I didn't find it hard to believe that it was really 'you' who was writing this. Who else can get such out-of-the-world ideas? Quite literally this time! :)

Suruchi on November 14, 2011 at 7:46 PM said...

interesting twists and turns there and great build up...but to tell you the truth, the end left me wanting for more!

N oye..bas job changing se sab happily ever after ho jaata hain..i need to change my husband's job too...now where the F is the creator?:-)

Confused Soul on November 19, 2011 at 3:03 PM said...

I can't believe Kalpak wrote this.. Oh man this was super interesting..not that his posts aren't :P ... this is just so different from what he writes.. Great job =)

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