November 1, 2011

Love or Lust? One Woman - who lives it all.

Posted by Wings of Harmony at 8:35 PM

*Confession of an elite escort, fiction molded with little truth. Some of the incidents are true and names are not used. Opinions, thoughts and emotions expressed are truly mine. It is the story of a woman who almost moved to the path of escorting, but found her way back home. *

She was a "good girl". Yeah, the types who are shy, don't talk to men without blushing all over, who don't talk about their desires, who don't discover the touch of a man, until they are married to a man, they have never seen before. But deep within her soul, she knew that there was something in her, that allured men. She realized it when she was 8, abused for the first time by a relative. Unknown to her, she had slept and had woken up when she felt a hand roving on her body. Inside her dress...clutching her soft body. Her eyes opened to find a man, who had paid particular attention to her, by giving her chewing gums and toffees in the evening, She stopped his monstrous hands with her tiny ones. But he didn't. She understood that this was not the friendly touch. As she tried to free herself, her eyes went to her dad who was sleeping at least a foot away from her. She just had to call him. But as she wriggled he placed his hand on her mouth and peered into her eyes. Green, Grey...the colors. She slipped from under his palms and ran to the washroom. Scared. She saw herself. She was all right, nothing happened...nothing happened. She had tried to tell her mother the next day, who shushed her. Incident One was etched in her brain forever. The man lost his legs in a freak accident.
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 At the age of 14another relative, 7 years older to her tried touching her, but she ran away. He tried the second time when she was going down the stairs of her Naani's (Maternal Grandmother) home, when he gripped her both hands and pressed her against the wall, trying to touch her. Before she can scream out, her mother called her and she pushed him away and ran down. She never saw that relative again. 
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By Adulthood, she had become beautiful, with mesmerizing mysterious eyes, sensuous lips and a nature, that could melt anyone. Men fell for her easily, but she would walk over their hearts, not letting her guard down. She was afraid, frightened that No man would ever love her...they would only make love to her. She would flirt openly, her smile disarming a million men, but she would push them away, the moment they would feel the stirrings of desire or love. She would look at them with disdain and walk away, out of their lives, their hearts. 
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And then, she fell in love with him. He didn't look different or didn't have angel wings. He was angry, intense and dark - which is what attracted her to him. The pain in his eyes, called out to her. She could never tell him. She became his good friend, very good friend. And she was happy. Life moved on as men came. One guy who asked her out, had imagined her as his wife only to sleep with her. And those were the exact words he used. She walked away. Another man asked her out...and he was the only one, who never attempted to touch her. But she was afraid of love, coward, frightened that she wouldn't do justice to his love. She made him hate her. And he left her. She was happy, content that there was no man in her life. She wouldn't have to battle her feelings of love or dearness. 
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Kissed by a random stranger and propositioned to, by few others had darkened her mind. She stopped believing in love. She lived in the darkness of her mind. She did not believe in the finer emotions, but relished in the stirrings of desire she could cause in men. Her father was as strict as Hitler himself and her mother fanned her insecurities. Yes, she was of weak mind, she knew. And the fact that she could bring men down before her knees, pushed her to know that Lust was what humans felt. Raw passion, desire was what they all lived for. She gave in to the basest of her emotions. Yes, she would make men worship her and no, it wasn't wrong for her. She needed to feel good. She felt lonely. And she knew no one would love her, no one would understand how getting attached scared her. She knew this was not an excuse big enough to get sympathy or unwarranted love. She would give in to her desires once in a while and it used to be exhilarating. She had the power to leave them yearning for her and she wouldn't care. The scar since her childhood used to disappear with these admiring men. Adventure, risk, danger allured her. She was fire in the wind. Alone but burning.  
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Then she took a bold step, very bold step. She agreed to make love to a man, she had never met. She felt good, confident that it would be easy, what did she have to lose? She can walk away anyway, anytime. And she met him. He was good looking and loved someone, but desired her. She spoke to him, he was intelligent, funny and smart. She gave in, after spending three days with him. She lost her virginity to him. And then, the reality hit her. It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all. She started expecting more love, more emotions. Though she never told him. A week passed away. They made love every day, went out, read books together, had innumerable coffees, laughed together and lived together - those moments of bliss. She started to like him more and more. 
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She realized she was no tough woman. She was only a woman. That night, when she was leaving, He took her out for dinner.

"You all right, girl?" He asked tenderly, love (?) coating every syllable. 
"Mhmm...I am" She looked at him, her eyes filled with love equally.
"You don't seem interested in food. Can I do something? Did I do anything wrong?" He added with a concerned tone. 
"Oh No! Most certainly not."She ended the sentence with her beatific smile. 
He laughed and kissed her cheek. "I won't do anything to hurt you. Remember, your past you should forget, for you deserve the best. I will cherish every single moment I spent with you. This week was the best week of my life. I like you, a Lot." He looked into her eyes. 
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She was skeptical, that she was just another person, for he would never be able to love her. They will have an affair. Controversial one. That he didn't deserve. She would walk way.

She blushed, but squelched the desire to say that she had started to feel something for him. After all, she had no emotions and she didn't believe in love. Or did she? She gave him pleasure, she got pleasure. However, her heart, she noticed, suddenly just felt numb. She wanted to be loved. She wanted to be respected. Her last week came down crashing  on her. So, she slept with a man, lost her virginity to him and she had given a thought to doing this. What she had never thought was that she would fall in love with him. Had she felt loved? Yes, even though for few moments. In those moments she wanted to be his woman. But she would only remain that. The Other woman. Who makes a man feel complete, who makes a man - man, who is a lover...not love. 
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"I like you too. A Lot." She said, smiling, resisting the urge to ask him, if he felt something for her. She got up and kissed his cheek. They walked together to her taxi. She stopped to face him. Her heart swelling double it's size.

"Goodbye, you are the best man I have ever met. You healed me.
She gave him a tight hug as he stared at her, unsure whether to kiss her, hold her or just say goodbye.

"Will you never return again? You are saying this like you are going forever.
He looked worried. She smiled. In that moment, she was his.

"Don't let that stop you from loving your girl. Be true to her, for she is the best woman you can get. I will only be your lover.

She hugged him again, sat in the taxi, leaving him standing on the side of the road. She had found love. For once in her life. She was complete.
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PS: I wanted to tag this under confession, even though it is not my story completely, though many women may relate to it. I hope you like it. :) Blessed Be!


maithili on November 1, 2011 at 8:53 PM said...

It is a little bit strange tale.. But then I have always been of the opinion that circumstances can mould the mind in strange ways.. What was striking was how abuse can scar a girl's heart forever..

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 1, 2011 at 9:05 PM said...

Yeah, I know. Some scars remain etched and rule the behavior forever... Thank u for reading. :) :)

TheGirlAtFirstAvenue on November 1, 2011 at 9:47 PM said...

I think its a lovely story! There is a part of this story in many women that I know, including me.
I'll say it once again, you are a brilliant writer MSM.. especially when it comes to such posts - brutally honest, touching, painful and I love the way you balance that fine line between reality and fiction!
Keep it up!

Paanipuri Lover on November 1, 2011 at 10:27 PM said...

Mesmerising! I'm left awestruck! And, regarding the abuse she faced, I can only sympathise. I can quiet her when she cries, 'cause, when this pain is experienced, it crosses all boundaries and magnifies itself. Hearing and reading can just tell 1/1000th of the pain!
But, if this actually made her feel loved, I'm happy for her, 'cause she was loved, without any harm! :)

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 1, 2011 at 10:38 PM said...

@Chandana: I understand. :) I am humbled by your compliment. :) :) I am still learning :D Thank you, girl! :D All those feeling are familiar feelings which we all have felt...and it's easier to talk in a story... :D :D

@Paanipuri Lover: Yes, you are right, no one can understand...but sympathize and that eases the pain sometimes, but yes, we are trapped in our minds, our own fears. *Hugs* Thank you... :) :D And yes, hence I shall not judge any woman who sleeps with a man, with the desire to feel loved. It means something and I understand. :D Thank you, sweetheart. Means a lot. :D :D

meoww on November 1, 2011 at 11:02 PM said...

@pradeeta..can i just hug you like right now..this post brought tears to my eyes..yes you write beautifully..and you have touched a chord deep down in my heart..
And can i be honest with u..i can relate to the abused girl..i bloody well can..
Thanks for writing will help a lot of girls out there..
God bless you..

meoww on November 1, 2011 at 11:06 PM said...

child abuse is the worst thing that can happen to any kid in this world..its disgusting how some men can be.

And it leaves a horrible scar on the girl's mind for the rest of her life..
Sorry i might have gotten kinda emotional here..but just couldn help saying it..
Some memories are just too much to bear.. Thankyou once again girl..

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 1, 2011 at 11:07 PM said...

@meoww: *Hugs tightly* I understand and I know, you can relate to it. After all, it's my story - from my heart... It is hard to speak out sometimes...and I hope this one, helps at least a few, whether they are normal girls or those who feel to be loved. I know the feeling.

Blessed Be Sweetheart. Wipe away your tears. :) :)

meoww on November 1, 2011 at 11:19 PM said...

thanks a ton..:)
its very difficult to speak out when such things happen..primarily the girl gets scared and then mostly forbidden by her mother..for many reasons..and all those horrible moments get bottled up inside..
And most of the times it has a very crooked effect on the girl..
In the last 20 odd years of my life..i never could..
I just hope and pray..other girls who suffer just the same get enough strength to stand up against it..

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 1, 2011 at 11:21 PM said...

@meoww: *Tears in her eyes* You don't have to say sorry, for you are absolutely right....the scars remain etched...forever and they alter the essence of being of that child. I know how frightening it is to fall in love and not being loved. And... *Shuts up* I understand...don't say thank you sweetheart. *Hugs* :) :)

meoww on November 1, 2011 at 11:24 PM said...

:):):) ..
Enough of tears..
Lets not give tough competition to those telly heroines :D
hugs :)

cheers :)

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 1, 2011 at 11:28 PM said...

@meoww: Yeahahah :) :D I know. Lots of love! :D :D

subtlescribbler on November 1, 2011 at 11:58 PM said...

Its only love that has the power to cure the wounds given by love! so beautifully depicted in ur story...the narration is good too. wisely chosen words that add a brilliant sheen to the plot. well done!


Soumya on November 2, 2011 at 12:03 AM said...

Oh God, wasn't this awesome. Absolute brilliant writing. Kinds reminded me of Danielle Steel, this was mind blowingly beautiful!

When I saw the title, I visioned that this is about me. And you know what to a certain extent that is. Thankfully not the being abused part, but the fear in love part totally! The best line was "She was fire in the wind. Alone but burning." Oh God, that is so me.

Thank you for this MSM! Sheer brilliance this was :)

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 2, 2011 at 12:25 AM said...

@Sarah: Love, indeed is a healer and no matter if you can possess it, the beauty is in letting go... Thank you. :) :) :D

@Soumya: Oh, dear, thank you! I must say, both the parts are known to me...fear of love more fully. Hehehhe, thank YOU *Hugs* for reading this. :) :)

Red Handed on November 2, 2011 at 11:26 AM said...

Love to counter Love's never ending hurt!
Brilliant MSM....Only you can spin tales this beautiful.
I got gooosebumps when I read the Being abused part

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 2, 2011 at 11:35 AM said...

@Red: My Lady....Love hurts, as Avril says, whether it's right or wrong. :D Thank you! :) :) I know....the goosebumps! Thank you for reading.

Love, MSM.

Viya ;) on November 2, 2011 at 12:07 PM said...

i din't want the story to end... the way you wrote was waaayy to gripping! :) :)

The life-a-holic on November 2, 2011 at 1:10 PM said...

Loved it till the end. Infact wanted a lot more!! Almost all women have faced some of the incidents explained in this story at some time or the other. Every woman dreams that she is strong, no man can let her down or fall truly madly deeply in love. At least I did. And I was completely wrong!!

Megs on November 2, 2011 at 3:27 PM said...

kept me glued till the end.. u have an awesome style.. u shud consider writing a book :D

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 2, 2011 at 6:45 PM said...

@Viya ;): Thank you, Lady! :D :D

@The life-a-holic: Oh, true that. Somewhere, we think, a man can never understand or love a woman truly...and I would be glad to be proven wrong. :D Thank you, my dear! :D

@Megs: Heheheh, would you help me? :D Thank you! :D :D

Vinati on November 2, 2011 at 8:23 PM said...

I am out of words right now!
God...This one was bloody awesome, MSM!

I read it last night but could not comment that time...some internet issues.
And here I am again, trying not to miss the chance to tell you how beautiful you write.
The story touched the core.

Keep it up, sakhi! :)

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 2, 2011 at 8:29 PM said...

@Sakhi: Vi, Thank you! :) Oh, I feel embarrassed when you all say that. But thanks! It's from my heart to everyone's heart. :D :D <3

Suruchi on November 2, 2011 at 11:39 PM said...

Very very well expressed MSM!
it is a touchy topic-a little wavering and it could turn the story into something else all together!

i was expecting a harsh detailing but the way you created a soft love story out of it all, is incredible!

child abuse is tough to bear but like you show-it does not mean that you can't/won't have feelings or lead a normal life!
there's so much to say on this issue...but how you brought it out is just the right way to begin the discussion:-)

PeeVee™ on November 2, 2011 at 11:57 PM said...

I bleed for that little girl for she represents so many little girls all over the world. Abuse does strange things to them and like this one, not all find their way back.

I have got to hand it to you Pradeeta, on a golden platter complete with a bow. Kudos.

Abhinav Rastogi on November 3, 2011 at 1:03 AM said...

Women have the intrinsic capacity to love and your story clearly brings out the point when she finds true love, she feels complete.

But this sense of discovery is mostly at the cost of emotions and generally women have to suffer [which is in-fact pathetic].

Nice portrayal.
[correct this] you wrote-->
"She lost his virginity to him"


Mystical Skeptical Me on November 3, 2011 at 7:38 AM said...

@Suruchi: I understand. Child abuse is something, the child doesn't really ever come out of it. However, love and care are two things that can change its life forever. Thank you, my lady! :D :D :D

@PeeVee: Thank you! I had to lead her back home...for many are lost in the way. :)

@Abhinav Rastogi: True that. Thank you. And I stand corrected {My grammar is a bit rickety...} :D :D

RAHUL MIGLANI on April 19, 2012 at 11:32 AM said...

This is somewhat strange !! but pcituristic and i dont know thought provoking !

manisha on June 30, 2012 at 1:58 PM said...

Infact i didn't find it strange at all.The heart plays so many tricks.One at times is not able to understand himself/herself....only because our heart makes things so complex.I guess,God has given humans a brain to resolve things which the heart messes each time again and again...beautifully written and amazing narration!!

Abhishek Ghosh on September 29, 2012 at 11:07 AM said...

The first part of the story is a reality which occurs to many sometimes knowingly or unknowingly and it really leaves a deep mark forever... and its really diificult to heal that wound because its difficult to confess or discuss.....

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