November 16, 2011

Broken Innocence

Posted by vixie at 11:18 PM


courtesy-Google
When maithz came up with this month's discussion i was dead sure i would never be able to write about it.
Abuse..be it in childhood or your teens or whenever for that matter always leaves a scar on the person's mind.
And no its not just girls who are abused..
Young boys also fall prey to it unfortunately..

Sadly I have never been able to make peace with what happened with me in my past.
But  thanks to a very emotional conversation i had with MSM recently ; i think i got the strength to write this one out.
I know it has taken a lot of time for me to finally come out with it..but i am happy i was able to pen it down.
---------------------------------

Childhood is a happy place for all kids.They live in a world conjured up by their innocence..where in they are ready to trust any sweet person who comes into their life.
I was no different. I lived in a family of 3..Appa, Amma and Me.
Being the only child i always used to wish for an elder brother or sister i could play with and who would take care of me.
Our neighbors were nice people.They were like our family friends.
They were also a family of 3 and they had an only Son.
He was much elder to me.
When i started interacting with them..i was probably in my 2nd standard or even younger and that guy was in doing his graduation.
I used to idolise that fellow..Since he was like this elder fellow..kinda cool..i used to find a big bro in him.

My parents used to go to work leaving me in the care of a full time  maid.
Now a small kid itching to play with someone..i used to frequent my neighbor's place pretty often after my school hours and would while away my time at their place.
The lady was a nice female..and she used to pamper me with toys and chocolates since she had no daughter.
even that son of his used to play with me..cuddling me with care.
I obviously couldn't see any hidden intentions behind all of that.
But little did i know that my inability to understand would become such a curse for me.

In the absence of his mother ; he used to initiate different  kinda games for me and him.
No points for guessing ; it would usually involve lots of touching and stuff.
Since i didn't want to let down my idol i used to play along.
Usually i would dose off in the middle and he would wake me up and ask me to go home.
It was always weird that i could never understand why it hurt so much and i would end up having a burning sensation in my sensitive areas..

That family left soon and i was back to my own world once again.
A year later they came back to visit us.
I was happy to that i was able to meet them again.
That night after dinner i insisted to my appa that i would sleep in their room.

Not sensing any problem whatsoever he let me.
I snuggled between Aunty and that Fellow and fell asleep.

I woke up some time in the middle of the night to experience the most disgusting thing ever.
My clothes were in a disarray..the bedsheet was covering my body..
and..and..its difficult to even write about it.
It was paining a lot..and i could feel it was difficult for me to even move.
He had obviously touched me when i was asleep and he was lying in a state of undress that need not be explained.

Honestly to this day..i don't know if he had raped me during the night.

That moment i lost all the innocence of being a child.
In that one moment i grew up from a tiny fun loving carefree kid to a stone hearted girl.

I could never get to tell this to my parents.
Appa ; a very strict man in front of whom i could never open my mouth.
Amma ; a silent soul who would probably shush me talking about society and stuff..not her fault though.

That guy left before i woke up in the morning.
My parents are still in touch with them.
But i don't talk to him.
I am sure he knew what he did to me was not unnoticed by me.



Years have passed to this incident.I have grown and this story now resides in one of the lost pages in the story of my life.


I have heard he has daughter..
Should i feel sorry for her..?

-------------------------------------

I know today i have a guy who loves me and respects me for my individuality.
Who values me as a special person in his life.
Who gives me all the care and all the things a woman would hope for from her man.

But after that day..i have never felt pure..chaste.
My innocence was taken away from me..and i know i will never be able to correct this incident of my life.

I know i am not super suuuperr brave like DIGS..bold like RED..brave and strong like VINATI..
compassionate like MSM..
i am sorry if i have missed out anyone..
These people i admire..and am proud of.

But i know i have taken atleast one tiny step towards progressing in my life by writing about this.
If it wasn't for DOV i am sure i would never have been able to do it..

Thank You..
Love you all..

meoww


18 comments:

Mystical Skeptical Me on November 16, 2011 at 11:27 PM said...

meoww, sweetheart... chastity comes from heart..and not from the state of body...we being abused at one point should be proud that we accepted what happened but didn't become submissive or break under the pressure. We are very strong, sweetheart...YOU are strong to have written this down... and meoww, I am VERY PROUD of you... *Tight Hug* Remember, you have become Stronger...and a woman of steel strength. I love you! :) :) :)

meoww on November 16, 2011 at 11:34 PM said...

awwws..:):):)
thanks a million dahlin..:):)
god bless you ..:)
thanks once again..
cheers..!!

The DRAGON in the skin of a goat ;-p on November 17, 2011 at 8:42 AM said...

Ads sweetie I totally agree with Pradeeta. Don't ever let this beat you up again, trust me it eats you up like poison. Repeated abuses always made me feel like there is definitely something wrong with me to attract that kinda attention. But there was a turning point in my life when I also realized that it is also in me to make these stop. I've become stronger on my own and that nobody can take away from me, in the same way, you're healing yourself and that nobody can take away from you.

Horrible horrible person, I won't have any sympathy for him if his past catches up with him, I'm not as big hearted as Pradeeta. I'm sure it was traumatic darling, but it's time to let it go, trust me. We all love the bubbly you, you still have the innocent kid in you, DIGS says so and it's final :P.

Love and warms hugs <3 <3 <3.

Suruchi on November 17, 2011 at 9:08 AM said...

i am so proud of all you girls for opening up your hearts and lives here for the discussion...goes to prove we are not alone. although i would never wish it to happen with someone, yet i believe we all learn from our own experiences...no matter how protective the parents are or how much they are around all the time-the perverts find a way!

Big hugs and love and remember you are stronger and smarter than what you were and always more loved-for you've gone through your share of shit!

Spaceman Spiff on November 17, 2011 at 11:57 AM said...

Don't let another piece of scum define who you are. I'm not saying that it's easy to forget about this. But now, you have more than one reason to be feeling great about yourself- the main reason being your guy. So gradually, let it go... And I think you should talk to your parents about it.. I feel they should know...

And that guy.. Well, I'm a strong believer in Karma. He will get what he deserves. No doubt.

Let it go, sweety. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, and a wonderful guy to share it with. :) Enjoy that..

Red Handed on November 17, 2011 at 12:02 PM said...

BASTARD!!!!!!! I do feel sorry for his daughter. Such men are capable of anything. any extent. Its is allright my love. Baf things happen and something the definition of BAD gets really evil. U had the power to live with it and I dont blame u for not telling ur parents. The good part is u understood what he did was wrong and stayed away from him. He will get what he deserves. Hugs!

The Updater on November 17, 2011 at 1:39 PM said...

He now has a daughter! A father with absolutely NO VALUES in life, I don't even want to imagine her future.
And for you, I feel really proud.
One, I'm new to this space.
Two, I can see girls opening up their past here. Things that would have just remained as a 'past', which one would never want to re-read again!

Now, I'm contemplating to come up with my post on this discussion :)

The life-a-holic on November 17, 2011 at 3:16 PM said...

It was sure that he would have a daughter!! All such scums are 'blessed' with a daughter at the end of the day!! I definitely feel sorry but I hope she is treated with all the respect and love she deserves!! And I am proud you have moved forward and taken a step in fighting back!! A very big step as well!!

meoww on November 17, 2011 at 9:53 PM said...

I am so overwhelmed reading all the comments..!!!
Couldn't stop the tears from my eyes and also the tiny smile on my lips..

@DIGS..thanku so much sweetheart..
yup i won't let this beat me anymore..and aapka final order is hukum for me..:):) hugzzz and mwaah
Cheers ..!!

@Suruchi..you are so kind..haanji..everybody has made this one special place by coming in the open and sharing all the pain..
its like we all have formed an unsaid bond with each other..
hugs and luvv
cheers !!

@Spaceman..:):) thanks a lot dear..
yup..my guy has made this world indeed a beautiful place for me..
your comment made me feel so good..
cheers !!

@RED..swearing gives us such a release na..!!
thanks a million my luv..
means a lot..
beeeeeeg hug.. :* <3
cheers !!

@the updater..i can only hope he is a good father to her..and thank you so much sweetie..
lovely to see a new person here..
welcome once again..:):)
cheers !!

@The life-a-holic..hmmm..i only pray she doesn't have to suffer for no fault of hers..
thanks a lot for all the kind words..:):)
cheers !!


@All..i love you all sooo much..i feel proud i am a girl and that i have survived in my life with my head held high..
all of you have been a big..BIGGGGG support..and i so wish i could personally hug each one of you..
Darlings in the truest sense..
*group hug*
and yess i am never ever going to let the crazy bubbly zany kitty in me to die..!!!

khi khi khi..:D:D:D:D

cheeeeeeeerssssss..!!

Paanipuri Lover on November 17, 2011 at 11:40 PM said...

A big, tight beary hug! That's all I can give you right now! I feel happy, that you overcame it! It requires a lotta strength! And you're one brave girl! Cheers Meoww! Really! :)
And I feel sad for his daughter! :(

A BIG hug! Mwah! <3

Keirthana on November 18, 2011 at 12:22 AM said...

I am gonna be honest. I do not know what to say. That is my reaction to your post. It is like this huge lump lodged in my throat. All I know is you are the Iron Lady! Let me stop my ramble here and give you something what I can! *Hugs*

Sorry if I was not as soothing as the others, but I wanted to be honest! Love you for your strength, my dear.

Also, fortunately for me, I have never had any such incidents in my life. I tried to come with a post for the discussion based on facts, but for some reason, I did not feel satisfactory. Maybe, I do not know the pain enough or something.. All of you people have come up with honest, awesomely brave posts.

So Maitz, I am sorry if I don't come up with a post for this discussion. I feel so bad, but I do not want to come up with something fake.
Love you all!

meoww on November 18, 2011 at 3:28 PM said...

@Paanipuriiiiii..hugs to you tooo sweety..:):) thanks a lott..:)
cheers !!

@keirthana..awwww..no you don't need to say anything more..:)
your hug says it all dear..:)
and i am so happy you never had to go through such horrifying experiences..
thznks a lot for reading..:)

and don't be sorry rey..your comments in all the posts mean a lot to us sweetie..
cheers ..!!

Sunitha on November 19, 2011 at 2:53 AM said...

I could call any number of names for that horrible monster of a guy.
I strongly believe that the vital organs of such guys should be chopped off as a punishment.
Have a blessed life..

Smita on November 19, 2011 at 2:21 PM said...

God! that was scary as hell! Indian people really have a narrow mentality! They believe females are their property to which they can use the way they want!
But hey, you don't have to feel sorry or bad for anything, whatever happened, you are not at all responsible for that. Live your life with head up. You are a brave girl to pen this all down, so let the scary past be lost in the past!
You got a good life ahead to make.
So cheer up! :)

meoww on November 21, 2011 at 3:33 PM said...

@Sunitha...hmmm...i know GOD will punish him in HIS own way..:)
thanks dear..:):)
cheers!!

@Smita..thanks a loot sweetie..:):)
yup..thats what m gonna do..
thanks a ton..:)
cheers !!

Vinati on November 25, 2011 at 8:15 PM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Confused Soul on November 25, 2011 at 10:47 PM said...

Hey meoww A BIG LONG HUG to you.. It takes courage to write this down and you sure are one hell of an amazing chic.. Don't let such things bog you down. I know what happened was wrong, but I do feel sorry for his daughter.

You're pure.. You have a beautiful heart love and that's what matters!

Vinati on November 26, 2011 at 4:34 PM said...

I really don't know what to write. And I need to give you a super tight hug first.

You made me really proud by saying that this story resides in the lost pages of your life. Because that is where it should be. Not even close to the beautiful present you have.

And for me, you are way stronger, Aditi as it takes a lot of courage to give words to the things you don't want to remember.
Be the same, always.

Lots of love!

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