The Jing-Bang of a Family!

Yes, this is in dedication to the big fat clan I belong to-The Arora battalion as I like to fondly call them. I hail from a very widely spread out family tree whose roots and branches are hell bent on spreading in as far a direction as would be physically possible for them. Often people ask me, ‘So how many people are there in your in-laws?’ And I say, ‘You name an in-law that should be and surely would a hand be raised to mark present!’

If I got you baffled here just imagine a typical Sooraj Barjatya flick with an over the top family saga and endless characters taking up the screen space-you’d get a picture of things in my humble abode, only a bit doubled for the members in line here go on and on and on. After my wedding I even jokingly asked our chaiji, my father-in-law’s mother, ‘Aapke zamaane mein family planning nahi hote the na?’ We have five generations living in the same house and all together. And hey, we better not come in the eyes of the Population Control Board else taxes and fines would make us national headlines.

I remember the time I had just got engaged to my dearly beloved. Before putting a tick mark on me by the ‘boy’ there had to be a preview of the ‘girl’ from the boy’s side. So a meeting was arranged in a temple ground and my mom, me and a family friend who got the negotiations started, waited there under the shade of a tree with bated breath, to let them come and the on-the-display ceremony to commence. A big car came to a screeching halt, followed by another car not so big. I was wondering if a police escort drill is under way, when there emerged a seasoned smart lady, followed by another and then yet another and ho!ho! another still! A pretty young thing came out next and then another and another and more galore! Made me wonder how just two cars could have possibly contained so many people or did they sit on each other’s laps and in the bonnet and come?

Oh my good god! Almost the whole jing bang had arrived to inspect whether the prospective new entrant in the family was good enough or not. I looked here and I looked there-anywhere I looked, a specimen of the Arora battalion smiled sheepishly at me and I smiled back. I could sense being eyed from top to bottom and didn’t know what to do to hide my bountiful bottom for even if I faced one-my butt faced another. The introductions came about followed by-what have you studied beta and what do you like to do in your free time- I mean reallyyyy, I was wondering at the back of my mind-they STILL ask these questions? Thank god for small mercies, I didn’t have to bring in a tray of tea and enumerate which all snacks I had made for then they would have to suffice with Maggi and whether the tea cosy was hand embroidered by moi. I was almost anticipating the unfurling of a scroll with some questionnaire and was gearing up with my general knowledge and home science when soon they lost interest in me almost insulting hain na? and a bitching and gossiping session went under way against those unfortunate members who were not present there at that time I later realized that it was a sort of family tradition, carried on perhaps through generations-a little gossip keeps our doctors away. And my god, they were explicit-it was as though I was suddenly transparent and so were they-I mused, ‘Kya family hain!’

Anyways, I passed the litmus test and also finally the boy-meeting-the-girl- test which was strictly "private"-just twenty people from the clan as against four of mine with flying colours because my dearly beloved says he was hooked at first sight. The ‘rooka’ ceremony at my beloved’s home soon came by and yo-ho, more members and more introductions! I was almost tempted to check the closets to ascertain if there were few of them hiding in there because they kept tumbling out at astonishingly regular intervals. 'Beta, yeh hain bade papa, yeh chote papa, yeh Abc papa, yeh Cde papa and more papas and chachas and tayajis and buas and masis and mamis' and endless list of cousins popping out and asking, bhabhi, you remember me don’t you? Ya sure, I would say-you are the cute one, you are the intelligent one, you are the sweet one because honest to goodness, I would be damned if I said I remembered what their parents addressed them with yes, diplomacy is my middle name sometimes. Since the gift envelopes in my hand were doubling with the same lightning speed, I gave up counting heads in a while for even in utter helplessness we women tend to not lose sight of monetary delights amassing within our reach to splurge.

After that was the toe touching ritual. I was pleading to bhagwan ji in my mind-why can’t they all just stand in a line so in one breathe I go about touching everyone’s feet and get over with it. I was even contemplating to suggest the flying-toe touching version like the flying kiss ones. I mean, I had to bend and then stand, bend again and straighten up, hold the neck of my kurta from sinking dangerously low and then bend again. I truly believe that severe back aches in women are an indirect outcome of the toe touching rituals that they are subjected to and also if everyone lived in joint families like these they would not need gyming never mind the fact that I still do-it proves I am exceptional in more ways than one.

At the next meeting with my dearly beloved, I went all armed to face the crisis-a big art sheet, a pencil and a rubber. I drew a big tree and then a flowchart of the members and their siblings with offspring and their off springs and any other extensions I should know of. All names neatly written and relations enumerated for me to go home and mug up and also tell my parents so that they do not commit any blunders that cause the words, "Baraat wapas le chalo" uttered at the mandap and me saying a long, screeching 'Naaahiinnnnn!' And here I had thought my education days were over! My father- in-law has four real brothers and a sister and then his father had many siblings and thereby a cartload of chachas and cousins whom I don’t think I would be able to humanly categorize or recognize even now or ever in this birth!

So like this, a nuclear family girl got entry into a big household, thronged with people of all shapes and sizes, egos and magnanimities, sweetness and sourness-and boy what a ride it has been!

If we could ever collect everyone at one place to be clicked, we'd probably look like this!

 Each one here has welcomed me with such open arms in their existing fabrics that I never felt that I didn’t belong here in the first place. Being the youngest I feel so overwhelmed when everyone pampers me to the hilt-all my eccentricities are ignored and whims upheld as they go out of their way to show how much they care. And the children of the house and I, have formed mutual admiration societies. When the whole clan gets together, the guffaws can be heard till miles down the street and the dirtiest of naughty minds were all born and nurtured here. We can never have small gatherings or small hearts. Oh God! I must have done something right to deserve this and hope and pray that I and they continue to do so!