September 30, 2011

Single doesn't mean Desperate.

Posted by Wings of Harmony at 3:00 AM
Blessed be everyone! 

As the title might have been a HUGE give away, I am in a mood for some serious lashing out. You may call it a Single Girl's confession or a sore spot that I have developed recently, I needed to send out a serious message across. Now now, please, this isn't meant to be taken offensively by the people who are in relationships or committed to a person - it is my personal opinion, do not go hating me about this. (Saw the need in me to not be hated/disliked/disagreed with?? :P Anyway, that's not the point.)
Few things I must lay down, before I say anything else. I am 23. An Adult. With Hormones and Brains that work perfectly in harmony with each other, sometimes taking a dip at the lack of sheer nice weather, coffee or some music. Otherwise, I am perfectly normal. I look alright. And I do not have a board hanging around my neck which reads - "Duuude, I am SINGLE, Wanna DATE ME Please!!!" Why am I saying this? Recently, in fact, over the last two years, I have noticed a drastic change in the youth these days, of my (our) generation. Everyone seems to be "in a relationship" or seeking to be in one. Not that it's a bad thing, but this has changed the dynamics of interpersonal relations of persons in social community. (I did sound like an MBA student there, I digress).
[Click on the Image to Read the strip]
So, my point. I was sitting in my college food court a few days back, when I noticed a guy (black hair, tall, fair, sexy stubble and eyes that spoke like 1000 words - you get the idea). I was searching a character for a chapter I was writing for my wannabe novel - and this guy was perfect. Like exactly what I wanted. So you can imagine the joy that lit up my face as I exclaimed - "Wow! He is perfect!" Now my friends know, that I have been really interested in this one guy for past four when I 'ooooh' and 'aaah' over any other guy, it's like I am really 'desperate' for love (lust?) and I am being told so. I checked my response and shut the fuck up and kept quiet. I do that now mostly because I really don't want to sound defensive. It will just reinforce what they all are trying to say. At another such occasion, I complimented the guy (the one I like) and was told that I make it too obvious that I like him - that I am desperate to get his attention! WTF?? Of course I am. Why would I like him then????
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Now, there's one quality that I have acquired (involuntarily) is that I can talk to guys/men/boys pretty well. (lesser mortals call it Flirting). It's apparently when you are seeking attention or want to get laid or send out wrong signals, that you flirt. Who the hell ever said that???? Flirting is GOOD! It gives you confidence about yourself and of course, your ability to charm people, not necessarily men. I am really pissed off with the fact that I have known some couples - people who have been in relationships or have recently gotten into one, for them, it's like now their eyes hover on me (Rules of Engagement anyone?)...I seem too interested in men (read: on TV or the guys (not from college) I have met and who are now sort of good friends) and that's a bone of contention. "You are really getting desperate man!" Why??? Just because someone asked me for a cup of coffee and I said yes??? Or just because someone couldn't get back home, because it was late in the night and not safe at all and it's assumed that just because she is single, she must have done something with the guy she met - hence she did not return but came back at 5 in the morning on one such occasion??? I am amazed by the hypocratic attitude. You are permitted to call over your boyfriend to stay with you behind closed doors, but I am not allowed to judge because he is your boyfriend. Isn't that wrong?? 
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I know someone (A very very close friend of mine) who is single and really pretty, tall and has lots of brains - someone who technically should not be single. However, she is and we both spend hours discussing about how we are judged. The moment she praises a guy (along with me sometimes - we do check out some good looking men. :D) she gets looks. That really hurt her. And she made a valid point - that it's so easy to judge someone who's single when you are not. Because there's no denying that we all NEED someone, that does not make you desperate - that makes you a HUMAN. 
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Desperation is when you get clingy, you go out with every guy who leers at you, when you have always been in a relationship and now you are not and therefore, seek attention because you cannot live without one. Desperation is when you have decided the names of your kids, the place where you will get married and the color of dress you will wear when you get married - and all of this, when you haven't been on a date twice with the guy. That's desperation. Desperation is when you are a pushover - trying to do whatever the guy does, says and wishes.
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Desperation is not when you check out a guy and say - Oooh, he's hot. Oooh, I love your hair/shirt/perfume/smile/jokes blah blah. And when you are single, doesn't flirting make sense? And what's wrong in liking what you see?? If I talk about the guy I like, ceaselessly, I will be tagged as infatuated/obsessed/pretentious (because apparently, you cannot love someone for four years straight - without telling them). Desperation is not when you play hard to get, when you show the guy that you are not just another Blonde or you end up liking more than two men. It's okayyyy! It's your life and you can make mistakes! Single-dome is to be enjoyed! In which ever way you like! Date a million men and don't be with anyone, how does it matter?  
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But if I accompany you with your boyfriend to anyplace you like and then you tell me how you guys fight cutely and ogle at each other with that secret smile lingering at your lips, what am I supposed to do? When I stay put, respecting your relationship, why is it hard for you to not judge me when I am trying to divert my mind by checking out who's hot and who's not? I may blush at the compliment given to me by a boy - does that mean I have a crush on him??? No effing wayyyy! It's just that genuine compliments make people blush! And I accept the compliment, hence I blush! How is it even related to the fact that I am single? If I sound excited for an invitation to a simple coffee - that is desperation? How? Coffee, I LOVE! And I don't give a shit if it's a guy or a girl - it's the company. If I have more guy friends, how does that make me flirty, slutty or desperate? I may not be in a relationship but that does not lower my standards at all! I am socializing, living a life of my own - how does that make me "waiting to be laid???" I am looking for love and yes, like you I am capable of falling in love, just that I may not be ready for commitment! I am taking my time, trying and testing the waters...and yes, the wait sometimes frustrates me because I do long for the solace you can find in your lovers arms, but I can satiate myself with a romantic movie - sob a bit, drink up a BIG mug of coffee or have a chocolate and be back to normal. That does not make me desperate. 
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I know this post is wayy too long but I didn't know how to shorten it without telling everything that I have on my mind. I would like to apologize if I have hurt anyone's feelings. You may know, this was the desperation to prove myself that being single doesn't mean I really need a man - right now. Live your life king size. Love the time you have - living every moment, loving every sweet accident. For that's all our hearts know - Loving. 
Things I love. [Image source:]
PS: I have used an article for reference, at "". 


The DRAGON in the skin of a goat ;-p on September 30, 2011 at 7:51 AM said...

MSM darling I could sense the desperation in the post as I scrolled down...I was loooooooong ;)...but you've got your point...But I'll tell you what...The more you listen to other people the more you'll forget who you are..I say this but if somebody says something I have not don or interprets me wrong I flare up intially and then wallow in self pity...Live your life king, correction queen size ;) and ditch everything else..Adding a disclaimer won't help people who will get offeneded even if you breathe so don't even follow my advice and don't listen to anybody...inculding me...I love how I oxy-moronic I am (Evil laughter)!!!!

TheGirlAtFirstAvenue on September 30, 2011 at 8:43 AM said...

MSM Darling.. dont apologize!!! Nothing wrong in what you said and this post is not an example of ur desperation.. just your frustration :)

I can totally imagine myself in ur shoes 'coz i WAS single once upon a time. Those who comment and call you desperate are nothing but envious of you. Maybe they dont get the same attention from boys as you do.. maybe they cant talk as well as you can.. maybe they cant accept the fact that you are single AND happy.

A few months back i was at dinner with my friends when i bumped into an office colleague and her bf. I was meeting her bf for the first time and he genuinely said to me that you look beautiful tdy. I blushed (automatic reaction) and was talking to him and everybody looks at me like am a slut. This as when i was in a relationship. When i go for a cup of coffee with a colleague at the end of a long day... people look at me like am desperate to have a 2nd bf!!!

Bottom line is people judge!!! Whether you are single or in a relationship, people judge as long as they are insecure with themselves and envious of you.

You live your life the way you want babe! Let people talk all they want! Phew! Should I also apologize for the long comment? ;)

Pria on September 30, 2011 at 9:40 AM said...

I could never imagine reading such a long post. But you made it to the point what you wanted to say. I feel your frustration in the post. There is nothing to apologize. Live your life Queen size and we still have the decency of not making this a big thing with the people who say you are desperate.

Red Handed on September 30, 2011 at 11:45 AM said...

Considering their act of judging you just for complimenting another guy or having a cup f coffee with them, it means that i am a slut according to them. I have a guy and me and him together comment on people. I tell him if i find a man hot and he too tells me about the chick who just walked by. What does that make us? He meets lotsa sexy chicks everyday due to his work, does that make him desperate? I go have a cuppa coffee with the boys in my class with a strict sense f frndship, does that make me a slut?
God Jesus! Such people who judge should learn a thing or two from life.

Spaceman Spiff on September 30, 2011 at 5:00 PM said...

Even if you were desperate, what is it to them? It's each one's personal choice!!!

And being nice is very very benefitial. It can get so many things done for you. Some mistake that for flirting. For example, the place I used to work earlier, I used to get along well with everyone. If I wanted to get work done, I would say 'please please please!', put a puppy-face, say a million thank oyu and sorry, and get the work done. Others mistook that for flirting. but I would rather be mistaken for a flirt than for a bitch.

The committed feel since they're happily engaged, all their other single friends are either desperate or promiscuous. Again, I say, to each his own! You go girl. Look at whoever you want, compliment whoever you want, smile at whoever you want, flirt how much ever you want! What's the use of all that beauty if no one appreciates it! ;)

Aathira on September 30, 2011 at 7:26 PM said...

Checking out guys and passing comments is what you do with girlfriends... i miss that and look forward to all that when with girlfriends.. thats in no way desperate... thats just pure fun!

And, its really no one's business to say whether you can blush at a compliment or not... I mean everyone likes to be complimented.... and from the opposite sex means a small blush ... so what?

Suruchi on September 30, 2011 at 8:05 PM said...

my god-tell the people to fuck off who think you are desperate!

i don't know why a woman/girl can't ogle at men without being judged?
why can't we indulge in mild flirting and not be considered easy or sluts?

flirting is so healthy-i have blogged my guts about it and how at the end of the day we should care about how we feel and how we judge ourselves and not what the others are thinking!

i sooooooooooooooo envy you single gals though...sigh!and would happily trade places..for a while!

one life to live and one person to please-many to make happy-no one to be hurt:doesn't get simpler than this:-)

Mystical Skeptical Me on September 30, 2011 at 9:10 PM said...

@Dragon Girl: :D [Awww...hugs]Sweetheart, I love your oxy-moronic view point! :) :) I know, I was just tired of everyone talking around me...

@Chandana: [BIG hug] Precisely, I mean just because I like the attention I get, everyone's started to call me desperate. Even when I talk about the guy I like! It's seriously sad. But you are right! :D And No No, don't apologize, I was just afraid that I was being too rash...

@Pria: :D Thank you reading this! I's wayyy too long :| :D But, I appreciate your support! :D [Smiling ear to ear]

@Red: Exactly! I think the problem with me is that I share what I think...otherwise, if I just "pretend" that I don't care if anyone compliments me, that should be fine! Thank youu! [Hugs]

Spaceman Spiff: You know, I actually read, that it's being nice what people call as flirting! Exactly my point, I would rather give a soft blow than pretend that I could manage without someone! :D :D Yayyy!!! Thank you! [Hugs to you too from MSM]

@Aathira: I know, isn't it??? :D :D But it's like when I do it, I get stank eyes! :| But I understand now...judgment will always be easy to do than to be in the shit! :D [Grin!]

@Suruchi: "Tell the people to fuck off!" I absolutely loved it!!! You are the bestestest! :D I knowww...I mean, what's so wrong with flirting?? Hahahha... :D You can come over...we can enjoy...for a while! [And share the secrets of "healthy" flirting! ;)]And I love the quote! :D [BIG hug]

maithili on October 1, 2011 at 8:58 AM said...

MSM totally you made out a point here! It is so easy to judge others when you are not in their shoes!

I have single friends who face the same thing even though they are not desperate!

I could totally identify with that cute fight and ogling. When I m out with friends who are with their boyfriends and me and my single friends have some fun I m given THE looks! Even if I m not single it doesnt mean that I cannot have fun talks with guys or blush at compliments!

P.S YEs rule of engagements please!!!!

Rahul on October 1, 2011 at 10:44 AM said...

Hmm,I must say this particular post is sort of an eye-opener for me.Prior to reading this,I kinda had an opinion that single gals are just supposed to be careful regarding voicing their likes for a guy.And even more careful regarding which guy she spends more time with.I of course never could look at these things from the POV of the single gal.But now I have a fresh perspective.Thanks for posting this.It sure was long....but every word of it was worth it....:-)

Meghana on October 1, 2011 at 7:19 PM said...

What sucks even more, is that when guys do it, it's not considered to be desperate AT ALL! When it's a a girl, she always ends up being called a slut. :|

Mystical Skeptical Me on October 1, 2011 at 11:52 PM said...

@Maithili: Exactly! People like to stereotype so much! I mean if I have a boyfriend, I can't look at another guy, if I don't have one, even then people go ahead and judge! It's really annoying sometimes!

:D :D PS: Like that single guy! ;)

@Rahul: Heyy, thanks for reading!!! :D [and understanding!]

@Meghana: I knowwww :| Exactly! Heyy, Thanks for reading! :D :D

PeeVee on October 2, 2011 at 12:16 PM said...

You know what the moral of the story is? That you are beautiful and a lot of people envy you. No, trust me on that one for the good ones are always the ones who get picked on for being 'loose'. Nothing personal, it's just their jealousy and envy getting the better of them. You just go right ahead and be exactly who you are.

subtlescribbler on October 2, 2011 at 4:37 PM said...

Oh my..heaven thnks for i don't have 'such' kinda people around me!
Me and my frnds ( ironically v are all single and we love it) check out a lot of will we be tagged as desperates? :O
I mean c'mon..opposites r meant to attract..whats wrong in it? Y can't people simply live and let live.sigh.

and for u... 'kuch to log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna' chillax gurl :D


Smita on October 2, 2011 at 5:17 PM said...

the best thing about dov is , we or to be precise, I can actually relate to many of the blogger's thoughts here. This post here is just so realistic. Of course single doesn't means desperation and neither does flirting with any guy means we look him as our future bf or something!
the last para's were simply the best :)

Mystical Skeptical Me on October 3, 2011 at 12:57 AM said...

@PeeVee: Awwww....thank you for those beautiful words!! I never looked at it this way! :D :D

@sarah: :D :D :D I knowwwww! :D kuch toh log kahenge! :D

@Smita: :D Thanks girl! :D :D

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