It was the one of the worst phases of her life. Everything was falling apart. Everything moved in a downward spiral. Friends were there, but she couldn't tell them what was bothering her so much. She would cry instantly, she would carry the lost look everywhere. She was depressed. Why was she depressed? Someone had said that he (Let's call him S) loves her. She loved him too, but she was confused. Never before was she in such a confusion, because she loved someone else. Always did and never told the other guy. In the meantime, S was around as a friend, distant so that he doesn't get emotionally involved. Close enough to let her know that he was there. But things don't always happen as planned. They fell for each other, but didn't admit. When he did, she panicked. She told him, she doesn't want a relationship, she doesn't want to lose him as a friend, she is scared of love, she has a murky past...blah blah blah. He understood and moved back. She treated him like an enemy. One day, he left her. What had she expected? He would stay to bear her cruelty? No, he left. And her beliefs shattered.
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At this stage, a friend (Let's call him T) long lost came to see her, in her city. They had known each other for 5 years. He noticed she was not the same. She noticed that she was exposed, too vulnerable. But she still helped him move around the city, showed him places...took him to the best known diners, to take her own mind off her miseries. He asked her what was bothering her. She never answered. He assumed that it was the best friend she kept talking about....he mocked him. She did not protest. And the guilt ate her up.
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One such day when they were alone...her heart was aching to talk to S, but he wouldn't respond. And she would reply in scathing messages. T was sitting next to her, while her eyes slowly closed due to tiredness and mental exhaustion. T slowly leaned in and kissed her. On the lips. She woke up, but her brain was in the state of limbo...half asleep, half awake. She responded instantly, tears filling her eyes. What was happening? She kissed him back.
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Million things registered in her mind instantly - She was kissing T, who was just a friend...why was she kissing him back? She betrayed her feelings for S. And wtf will she do now??? She
just kissed! Her
First ever kiss. And T doesn't love her. Never loved her. That realization broke her haze. Panic gripped her heart. Her eyes opened wide, while T said sweet nothings. He realized the stiffening of her body in his arms. He wiped her eyes while she mouthed the words, "
What did we just DO???? I cannot kiss you! You don't even love me!! Whyy???" She ran away to a corner, her heart beating like thunder...she couldn't breathe. She was
SO scared!
What had she done?
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Another realization hit her hard. Had T just used her? No No No!!! She was on the verge of tears when T came by and hugged her...and said that she is the prettiest girl he had ever seen and that he was sorry that he couldn't love her. He wouldn't love her. She looked at him, her vulnerability most visible now and T could just apologize for whatever happened.
Her pain was replaced by anger when he later blamed her for the kiss. She was so angry, she never spoke to him again. She relived the kiss, twisted it in her thoughts and that made her worse. And one day, her heart just broke. She cried, cried and cried. She spoke to her friends who sympathized well enough, but she had to get out of the mental cell on her own. She started writing...a story came up and another followed it. She was healing slowly.
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S finally spoke to her one day and she confessed to him about the kiss. He understood again, though he also said he would definitely kill T if he ever saw him. She smiled at that. They were not lovers, but they were two grown up individuals, who understood each other so much, that her pain became his. And he never let her fall down. S and She don't talk much now...and she knows it's late, for she had broken his trust...and she would live with that guilt forever...but she understands. He was avoiding her sometimes, talking to her friends, but ignoring her at the same time. Taste of her own medicine, she had accepted this and come to terms with the feeling.
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But she wasn't in pain anymore, as she was realizing that few mistakes happen to make you grow as a person. And love, need not be to be held or possessed in your arms. The beauty of it is to let go, when the time comes. And she was letting it go, slowly...
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Blessed Be everyone. This confession is inspired from a true incident.
13 comments:
First kiss remains etched in the memory forever.. If it happens this way then yes it could be quite painful.. To be kissed the first time by someone who doesn't even love you.. The end parts just show the level of maturity T and S behaved with and also the immense strength of character needed to confess such a thing..* Applauds the confession*
Thank you so much, Thank you! It was only S who showed maturity :P :D Just kidding. Yeah, first kisses are not meant to be painful...but somethings, we learn to live with. :D Thanks for the encouragement! :)
Every bitter experience teaches you something valuable. You may hate it and try to fight it, but you can't ignore it.. You fall, you get back up, brush off the broken pieces, learn and move forward. And god knows how many times i fell..! The fact that I am able to smile and appreciate love today is because i've know loss and pain... nice post!
And how true is what you have said Chandana...pain and loss teaches you to cherish simpler things in life...and yes, it becomes worth loving and living. Thank you! :D :D
I wouldn't be what i am if i hadnt gone through the bitter past and the harsh realizations.
Just like Chandana said you get up and move on whenever you are pushed to fall.
Lovely read MSM. Just beautifully captures.every essense of it!
Hmm it had to be inspired from a true incident..it's just captured so well too real to be a fallacy..The first kiss might not have been THE first kiss for the girl here but now she does know that her next kisses will never be that complicated...or does she?
@Red: Thank you!I agree, sometimes, million little setbacks don't light the fire in you as much as one isolated moment does. I was changed... :) ...for good.
@The Dragon Girl: :D I do hope that the actual kiss, the beautiful, simple one comes her way...one day. :D I hope she knows. :D :D Thank you Darling! :)
i looooooooooooooooved the narration...my god, as it started i thought it was a recital of some situation and then a moral in the end...
but you got me totally engrossed girl, like a smooth river flowing!
and the complexities of feelings and what is expressed and not expressed and thereby its consequences-brilliant!:-)
she's a lucky girl to know love now...the path ahead would be easier:-)
Awww Suruchi, thank you thank you thank you so much! :) :) You comment made me feel like a million times happier! :D I guess, she knows love now, as you say... :D
Very well narrated Divya, though I wonder where fiction ends and reality sets in. Not that it matters anyway...
Awwww... <3
@Siddartha Joshi: Thanks! :D Who's Divya?
@Ezazi: For moi??? Thanks!!! :D
I simply have no words to describe how I felt after reading this particular post.I write myself but the way MSM has expressed the musings of a girl,her feelings her emotions...its wonderful.PS:-One confession from my side as well.This writeup is somewhat,not entirely i would say,similar to my story.I can really identify a lot with it,but wouldn't have been able to vent out or confess the way its done here.
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