October 6, 2017

Test of Time !

Posted by Smita at 3:54 AM 6 comments
This is not how it was meant to be or how I had imagined it would be. It was all supposed to be happy and nice and if not this then it wasn’t even supposed to be this traumatizing. It was love at first sight. I didn’t know who you were but I wanted to know. For you I didn’t even exist at the time I was falling for you. How can somebody feel so much of attraction for the other without even knowing them.

We became friends and then something more than friends. I was scared. Every single person aware of this drama of ours had warned me to maintain a safe distance from you. ‘You will get hurt. You will end up crying in whatever this thing of yours is called’ – were some of the words. I still listened to my heart and ignored the brain.

“Do you have a girlfriend ?”, I asked several times and below are the replies presented in chronological order in appearance in due time.
1. Mundane Silence
2. Who are you to ask me that
3. Bitch
4. Didn’t you know everything that now you are doing drama every other day about it

I gave you everything. I was honest with my feelings. If you would have told me in first place that you have a girlfriend, I would have maintained my distance from you. I am not someone who would try to snatch you from another girl. Neither do I have those skills nor do I know tactics to do that. But I expected you to be honest with me as well in return. And now that you ask me is too much for me to handle. 

You want to be in my life till the point you want and in the way you want and then when the time comes for you to be with your girl, you don’t want me to utter a single word and just watch you leave to marry her. And before that end point you want me to be normal and let everything go as if it’s only us and nothing else. How do I do that? Why am I in such a situation? How do I behave normal and be all friendly and everything else with you when I know I mean nothing to you? 

In my dreams I see you marrying her and me being alone for the rest of my life. I see the that as the future and this is not how I had imagined it to be!

September 26, 2017

Things words do !

Posted by Smita at 6:08 AM 5 comments
I am so tired
Out of energy
I feel like crying - I feel sick
Wanna go home and sleep
Wish I had my mom next to me
Taking care of her girl


Ping Pong - the phone was ringing
Few words to turn pain into smiling
Strange but true , this is what you make things do
"How's your health", 'that's all I wanna know'
were all the words to make pain go!

May 15, 2017

Bionic Superhumans and Pocket money- Musings on Mother's day

Posted by Sunitha Vijayanarayan at 10:40 AM 6 comments

My son and I were watching Phineas and Ferb cartoon on Netflix together.Suddenly he looked at me and said, "You know none of this can be real , right Amma?". They had been learning fiction and non -fiction in school and I tried to bring in those concepts as I replied. Of course this is fiction, it is an imaginary story. I'm sure kids like them would not be able to build such complicated things so easily. So is the other TV show with bionic humans",  referring to a sci-fi comedy that we all watched called Lab Rats which had  3 bionic children as its main protagonists. To which he indignantly replied , "Bionic humans are not fiction, I'm quite sure science is very close to humans having bionic chips and implants, may be they have already done it somewhere."  Before I could get another word in he got back to the topic

"I mean , I can totally get that they are super smart and able to create roller coasters , what I can't understand is , how would they ever get the money to build those things" ,he mused. Personally I had not thought of that as an impediment and to foster debate , suggested that may be Phineas and Ferb's parents were very rich and they gave them a lot of pocket money. At this he started laughing loudly and said "Amma you don't get it , no parents would give kids so much pocket money. It has to be fiction."

I chuckled to myself.We live in an age where super smart children and bionic super humans are close to reality. But thankfully parents are still parents and children receiving huge amounts in pocket money is still fiction.

Many times , we tend to forget that our children live in a world far more advanced than we can comprehend and seeing it through their curious eyes is a gift to cherish.


P.S : It does look like bionic humans are coming for real.

April 11, 2017

Closed...What you had opened!

Posted by Smita at 6:32 AM 4 comments
I closed
what you opened
I had to close
What you opened

My heart bleeding
Sliced by your lies
My arteries 
Cut by your false promises

Blood kept flowing
No attempt made to stop it
I tried not to get hurt
Yet no bandaid ever surfaced

You are nice
So am I
Maybe thats the reason why
I had to die

March 26, 2017


Posted by Smita at 10:57 AM 6 comments
Once in a while
Everybody needs praise

Praise in the form of words
Praise in the form of care

It need not be precious gift of words
Just a simple nice word will do
It need not be an expensive gift
Just some time to spare will do
It need not be extravagant act
Just a tight hug will do

As once in a while
everybody needs praise !

March 17, 2017

When Happy Memories sting.....

Posted by Narayani Karthik at 2:14 PM 4 comments

With hands held and love shared,
Many places traveled far and wide....
Memories made with kisses and walks,
It seemed the time was with their stride.....

Does time care about one’s pace?
The question always haunted me in the past
Did it care about the memories made?
I guess, it did not.

Good times make good memories
Giving one so much to fall back on....
The same good memories become stingers of pain
As soon as the dark clouds loom large with the Sun now gone....

Happy memories are now stingers
Leaving no place to hide
The good times are dead ringers
That challenge you now to surf past the tide!

March 15, 2017

“What brings us together is what pulls us apart” – Grief, thou hurt.

Posted by Narayani Karthik at 12:32 PM 4 comments

Grief is a burning flame
It numbs your mind and scars your soul
When it swings its blade of misery
It chases you like a nasty ghoul

And then, somewhere down the road
You meet a tall white wall
That holds the weight of resistance
Which you try to climb but, receive a tumbling fall!

The thud gives you the moment of truth
The one that you needed but did not want
That it was time to turn back and fight the grief
And finish its agenda of haunts and taunts!

So you turn, with your back pressed against the wall
And, take a deep breath as you stare deep into the eyes of Grief
While it continues to taunt your climbs and falls
You look down at your crusty feet and bruised knees....

With nowhere to go, you close your eyes...
And slowly, the wicked laughter fades away like a withered flower
You realize your anger as it rises from the ashes....
As to do or die becomes your weapon of power...

Epiphany of a moment it is,
When you startle grief’s verve with your healing scars! 
And then, you take the first leap over it like a feisty fawn
Because, the journey is not yet over and, the destination is yet so far!


Posted by Smita at 1:17 AM 4 comments

The anger
The pain
When you don't let it out
It starts eating up the soul from inside

You let your anger out
You are termed insane
Seen as someone mad who just doesn't know how to take things
Somebody who's insensitive enough to show their sensitive side in public

You gulp ďown your anger
You spend days misguided, starving evenings and nights crying 
Smile gets away from your dictionary and it seems like happiness never existed

What demon you choose
Decides the course of what demon you shall become

March 14, 2017

Blow of the void

Posted by Narayani Karthik at 12:10 PM 3 comments
Love is the elixir of life
So says the Lord
When souls come down on Earth
They meet in the name of God

When they come together in body and soul,
Destiny plays love, passion and togetherness in its fiddle
While the dice of life plays music to the ears
As long as the puppeteer wishes to keep some notes hidden

Life is perfect, yes it is....
As long as long as the roads are wide and straight
And then, come the deafening cliffs that spurt from nowhere
While the game of destiny begins to unravel its traits.....

The void arrives like the sword of death...
With its jagged edge cutting deep into the soul
The jolt is so sudden and fierce....
While the blow continues to rip away not a part but a whole

Unpredictable I am, so says the life
I dabble in dark stormy nights and bright sunshine days
With eccentric and complex forms that I take, I have no warnings to give
Because, I am designed to play my pawns in His mysterious ways.....


February 25, 2017

A mighty heart

Posted by maithili at 12:16 PM 7 comments
                                                   Image result for a mighty heart book cover
                                                     Image: Credit

"Danny is back before four P.M. for a brief visit. As usual, I run into his arms and bury my face in his neck. I stay there, wanting to get drunk on his smell, wanting to feel some of his sweat. I do not like to be separated from him. Sometimes, after I've gone somewhere, I find him at the front door waiting for my return. He takes me in his arms and tells me how much he has missed me. He squeezes me tight with one hand, and with the other, he caresses my face, calling me "My wife, my life."

Occasionally I like to be separated from him for a few days just to savor this feeling we have -- painful but delicious -- when the one we love is absent. Just for the pleasure of finding him again when he comes to pick me up at the airport. Of reading the emails he sends me from a stop in transit for the mere pleasure of hearing him tell me, "I'm on my way." Only when I am back with him do I feel whole.

                  I have never identified with a text as much as this one. While I read this book, I only wished it was just fiction. But, the sad truth is that this book is about the real life and death of a journalist Daniel Pearl and this book is written by his wife who was five months pregnant when she was widowed.

                 2002, I was just a ten year old intently following the news of kidnapping of an American journalist in Pakistan, Daniel Pearl. I read the Indian Express which covered the news on front page with Daniel's photo splashed, a gentle smiling photograph. Sitting in the comforts of my house and living a life that nowhere coincided with him, I imagined him to be a lone journalist on a mission in Pakistan and his family worrying about him back in America. Militant outfits were not much heard of except for 9/11 attacks and terror was only about riots. Then one day, the wait was over. It was confirmed that Daniel was brutally beheaded and Indian Express shifted to other front page news. 

                2011, I happened to watch Angelina Jolie starrer movie- A mighty heart. I did not know what it was about. As the movie progressed, it all came back to me. This time I was able to connect to the story because I happened to be in love with someone who was away from me. I could feel the desperation and pain in the scenes. In one particular scene, Daniel's wife is shown to be scared of the false alarms of his death and sends "I love you" message to his number. I couldn't hold my tears. She was very much in Pakistan when Daniel was kidnapped. She was a five months pregnant mum-to-be hoping for a very different future than what she was destined to. She lived the ordeal for two weeks, waiting for her husband to return unscathed. I just couldn't get her out of my mind and wanted to ready the book. I looked for it, but the copies were limited and out of stock. 

               2017, I finally found the book on Amazon. Frankly I had forgotten all about it after my initial attempts. I started reading the book a week back and I have had my heart ripped apart for every page that I read. As a wife, I could not even bare to read about it without having a lump in my throat. 

               I couldn't stop smiling all three days of my wedding ceremony. Even though my cheeks hurt, my grin wouldn't fade away. I spoon with my husband in my sleep, feeling safe, this is my happy place. I do not feel alright away from him. Every morning, I just hold on to him before he leaves for work, savoring his warm hug, hoping to come back into his arms when I return from work. We stay away from each other when I visit my parents and I cannot hold myself when I reach the airport and see him waiting for me. That feeling of being united after some time away is priceless. There are days when he goes out for business and I spend my time tracking him. Each message is a reassurance that we will be together soon. He stops to send me a message whenever he is out of town, keeping me updated of his location and flight schedule. 

             Mariane Pearl happened to be a wife just like me! She described the exact same things that were true for her, before that fateful day. Unlike me, she was accompanying her husband to the most dangerous places to search for answers. Two journalists who were on the front line to give a voice to people irrespective of their race, caste or gender. Danny died doing the exact same things.

            To be honest, I have had nightmares since I started reading this. We don't have to go hunting for answers in remote corners of the world. Terror strikes us right in the heart of our comforts. It was as if Mariane was voicing all of my fears through her book. Some nights I would think of her when I lay beside my husband, who slept peacefully next to me. I wanted to just hold time because I felt so unsure of all the things in my life. Of life itself. As the book was nearing to an end, Mariane passed on a very positive message which just shows how courageous she is. 

            In the book, Mariane refers to Daniel as a mighty heart. But, for me she is the epitome of strength. There are things that you expect from a human being, a wife at that, when a catastrophe like this strikes. But Mariane stood strong. Not crying on television when Danny was kidnapped, because she thought there might be a chance that Danny was watching and she had to be strong for him and let him know that she and the baby were well. Not showing fear, because showing fear would mean those who kidnapped Danny had won. Not giving up on life after his death, because she had to keep him alive within herself. To give him a chance at life through their son, Adam. To let the spirit of Danny live through her.

            Mariane and Daniel had made Mumbai temporarily their home. It saddened me that Mariane did not have a very good memory of India. I wish she had been treated better, I wish she had received more warmth and I wished we as a nation could have given her a better picture of us. It only shows how inhospitable, narrow minded and reserved we become sometimes when we deal with people who stand for things that are alien for us. 

           I have reviewed books in the past but I do not think there has ever been a book that has affected me so much. I do not intend to review this book, because this post is not about review, this post is about lives and about strength. This book is about how no matter who you are, some emotions are universal. This book is an ode to a strong marriage of two strong individuals, a love story that continued beyond life.

P.S: Text in bold are excerpts from the book "A mighty heart"

What would you do ... ?

Posted by Smita at 10:15 AM 3 comments
Standing in a long queue
Waiting for her turn 
Struglling with tedious wait
Thinking that for your career one has to cope

With a smile she waited patiently
Looking around to pass the time
'This queue is pathetic' came a voice from behind

She turned to say 'I couldn't agree no more'
That was the beginning
Beginnig of something she couldn't have anticipated ever
A talk for a while
With tricky words coming right shooting at her

Which department
Which major
What degree
What year
Which place
Were some of his early questions

His aggressive nature
Eagerness about her
Audacious funny man
Quick to notice her change of expressions
She being an international student
And him being a native American

Would you like to go for drinks after this
You have a pretty smile
You got nice eyes
This line is so boring to wait alone
Can't wait to get a job after being an experienced candidate
Work hard to get thing done and hate people jumping lines
(Something Something etc etc)
(These being some of his few line)
Would you marry me 
Get a green card have kids and settle here
Or is it too early for me to ask all this

She was shocked
Surmised by his words
How can he
How can anyone
How could it be
Words that fluttered her mind

What would you do if something like this happens to you
What would be your move/step/course of action
How would you handle if given you are in a similar position
How would you be in this situation

February 17, 2017

First & Last

Posted by Smita at 9:26 AM 4 comments
Every woman wants to be the last girl in a man's life

And every man wants to be the first in a woman's life

She wasn't the first in yours

But you will be the last in her's !

February 14, 2017


Posted by Smita at 4:30 AM 2 comments

Words are lies

Spoken in usual manner
Coated with laughter
Intended to break her 

Tired of lies
She just listens
Not to correct
But just to listen

Truth lies in all the lies
You say you care
Truth is you don't
You say you will be by her side
Truth is you won't be 
You say she has your back 
Truth is she doesn't

For someone who can't be with her in the present 
How can he be with her when she needs him !

February 1, 2017

Her Mistake ... Not Yours

Posted by Smita at 3:33 AM 3 comments

She trusted you - her mistake not yours 

She was shattered - her mistake not yours 

She was betrayed- her mistake not yours 

She lost faith in love- her mistake not yours 

January 2, 2017

The Good Girl

Posted by kadak sing at 8:33 PM 5 comments
She had been typical so far. Pretty regular, pretty average. Obedient, dutiful and all those banal things that you were either told or expected of. She had always been a traditional girl. The “Yes” girl. The good girl. She had felt the necessary amount of guilt all “good” people did. She apologized reflexively like all “good “people did. She contained herself in most areas like all “good” people did. Her expression had always been in “apt” areas like her academics, her work, and her personal life. She had answered to those she was “answerable” to in all those areas, again like she was expected to. She had followed rules. Her starring role in her life had been to be obvious and everything expected. But she had never lived.
Hence, she thought, biting down her lip as she contemplated sending the email she had just typed out…a furtive smile later the email was sent, well on its way, the third one today. The recipients were different, the message however was the same. The fourth email, still lay drafted, waiting for its conclusion. 
She felt an arm snake up beside her and chuckled, sliding in herself. Cuddles were always welcome, even necessary. “Okay” She whispered to him. He turned sleepy eyes towards her, half smiling “Are you positive?” “As never before…..”
Meanwhile, three inboxes across the globe held unread emails, each rendering a shock value of its own. One was addressed to the law firm she worked at, a brief resignation letter, one informing a partner that the wedding ceremony was off, and one to the parents, informing them of the other two decisions as well as the new fundamental one of moving in with someone until she decided she wanted to take the next step.
The fourth decision was the first one she never explained to anyone. It was what she would invest her savings in. It was the story that was most important to her, that she would never be able to take any slander of. She would choose to have a child. With or without anyone by her side. That was the pending email. That was her beginning.

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