Love or Lust? One Woman - who lives it all.

*Confession of an elite escort, fiction molded with little truth. Some of the incidents are true and names are not used. Opinions, thoughts and emotions expressed are truly mine. It is the story of a woman who almost moved to the path of escorting, but found her way back home. *

She was a "good girl". Yeah, the types who are shy, don't talk to men without blushing all over, who don't talk about their desires, who don't discover the touch of a man, until they are married to a man, they have never seen before. But deep within her soul, she knew that there was something in her, that allured men. She realized it when she was 8, abused for the first time by a relative. Unknown to her, she had slept and had woken up when she felt a hand roving on her body. Inside her dress...clutching her soft body. Her eyes opened to find a man, who had paid particular attention to her, by giving her chewing gums and toffees in the evening, She stopped his monstrous hands with her tiny ones. But he didn't. She understood that this was not the friendly touch. As she tried to free herself, her eyes went to her dad who was sleeping at least a foot away from her. She just had to call him. But as she wriggled he placed his hand on her mouth and peered into her eyes. Green, Grey...the colors. She slipped from under his palms and ran to the washroom. Scared. She saw herself. She was all right, nothing happened...nothing happened. She had tried to tell her mother the next day, who shushed her. Incident One was etched in her brain forever. The man lost his legs in a freak accident.

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 At the age of 14, another relative, 7 years older to her tried touching her, but she ran away. He tried the second time when she was going down the stairs of her Naani's (Maternal Grandmother) home, when he gripped her both hands and pressed her against the wall, trying to touch her. Before she can scream out, her mother called her and she pushed him away and ran down. She never saw that relative again. 

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By Adulthood, she had become beautiful, with mesmerizing mysterious eyes, sensuous lips and a nature, that could melt anyone. Men fell for her easily, but she would walk over their hearts, not letting her guard down. She was afraid, frightened that No man would ever love her...they would only make love to her. She would flirt openly, her smile disarming a million men, but she would push them away, the moment they would feel the stirrings of desire or love. She would look at them with disdain and walk away, out of their lives, their hearts. 

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And then, she fell in love with him. He didn't look different or didn't have angel wings. He was angry, intense and dark - which is what attracted her to him. The pain in his eyes, called out to her. She could never tell him. She became his good friend, very good friend. And she was happy. Life moved on as men came. One guy who asked her out, had imagined her as his wife only to sleep with her. And those were the exact words he used. She walked away. Another man asked her out...and he was the only one, who never attempted to touch her. But she was afraid of love, coward, frightened that she wouldn't do justice to his love. She made him hate her. And he left her. She was happy, content that there was no man in her life. She wouldn't have to battle her feelings of love or dearness. 

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Kissed by a random stranger and propositioned to, by few others had darkened her mind. She stopped believing in love. She lived in the darkness of her mind. She did not believe in the finer emotions, but relished in the stirrings of desire she could cause in men. Her father was as strict as Hitler himself and her mother fanned her insecurities. Yes, she was of weak mind, she knew. And the fact that she could bring men down before her knees, pushed her to know that Lust was what humans felt. Raw passion, desire was what they all lived for. She gave in to the basest of her emotions. Yes, she would make men worship her and no, it wasn't wrong for her. She needed to feel good. She felt lonely. And she knew no one would love her, no one would understand how getting attached scared her. She knew this was not an excuse big enough to get sympathy or unwarranted love. She would give in to her desires once in a while and it used to be exhilarating. She had the power to leave them yearning for her and she wouldn't care. The scar since her childhood used to disappear with these admiring men. Adventure, risk, danger allured her. She was fire in the wind. Alone but burning.  

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Then she took a bold step, very bold step. She agreed to make love to a man, she had never met. She felt good, confident that it would be easy, what did she have to lose? She can walk away anyway, anytime. And she met him. He was good looking and loved someone, but desired her. She spoke to him, he was intelligent, funny and smart. She gave in, after spending three days with him. She lost her virginity to him. And then, the reality hit her. It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all. She started expecting more love, more emotions. Though she never told him. A week passed away. They made love every day, went out, read books together, had innumerable coffees, laughed together and lived together - those moments of bliss. She started to like him more and more. 

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She realized she was no tough woman. She was only a woman. That night, when she was leaving, He took her out for dinner.


"You all right, girl?" He asked tenderly, love (?) coating every syllable. 
"Mhmm...I am" She looked at him, her eyes filled with love equally.
"You don't seem interested in food. Can I do something? Did I do anything wrong?" He added with a concerned tone. 
"Oh No! Most certainly not."She ended the sentence with her beatific smile. 
He laughed and kissed her cheek. "I won't do anything to hurt you. Remember, your past you should forget, for you deserve the best. I will cherish every single moment I spent with you. This week was the best week of my life. I like you, a Lot." He looked into her eyes. 

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She was skeptical, that she was just another person, for he would never be able to love her. They will have an affair. Controversial one. That he didn't deserve. She would walk way.


She blushed, but squelched the desire to say that she had started to feel something for him. After all, she had no emotions and she didn't believe in love. Or did she? She gave him pleasure, she got pleasure. However, her heart, she noticed, suddenly just felt numb. She wanted to be loved. She wanted to be respected. Her last week came down crashing  on her. So, she slept with a man, lost her virginity to him and she had given a thought to doing this. What she had never thought was that she would fall in love with him. Had she felt loved? Yes, even though for few moments. In those moments she wanted to be his woman. But she would only remain that. The Other woman. Who makes a man feel complete, who makes a man - man, who is a lover...not love. 

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"I like you too. A Lot." She said, smiling, resisting the urge to ask him, if he felt something for her. She got up and kissed his cheek. They walked together to her taxi. She stopped to face him. Her heart swelling double it's size.


"Goodbye, you are the best man I have ever met. You healed me." 
She gave him a tight hug as he stared at her, unsure whether to kiss her, hold her or just say goodbye.


"Will you never return again? You are saying this like you are going forever." 
He looked worried. She smiled. In that moment, she was his.


"Don't let that stop you from loving your girl. Be true to her, for she is the best woman you can get. I will only be your lover." 


She hugged him again, sat in the taxi, leaving him standing on the side of the road. She had found love. For once in her life. She was complete.

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PS: I wanted to tag this under confession, even though it is not my story completely, though many women may relate to it. I hope you like it. :) Blessed Be!