Fairytale

Dear Bauji,

Yes, I still call you that Papa, haven't you noticed? I remember I was 6 when you'd said you hated the word "Papa" and wanted me to call you Bauji. And so I did, to make you happy. Now I am grown up, but there were times, when I used to get scared if I called you Papa.

How are you? I know you are stressed but I also know you wouldn't share why? Do you know how old I am? No? Umm, do you know I want to become a writer?

You asked me to jump off the building, cause I wasted my time.

It’s been so long that we have spoken like civilized human beings that I don’t remember what it felt like listening to you speak softly. Do you know how it felt when you said I was mentally unfit and I must be thrown out? I remember that was the first time I screamed at you, because you put me through emotional stress, so much so that my teachers begged you to let me off. I am still struggling to think whether I am normal. 

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It’s been a week that you’ve spoken to me. Why? Because I answered back to you? Because I keep doing that quite often? Because I’ve had to take up the responsibility of speaking for everyone and now I’ve no control on what I say? Was it my mistake that I am fat? I know you are concerned, but you see me work hard towards losing it, does it make no difference to you?

Was it my mistake that I blacked out? I was hungry for more than 24 hours! Did you see that? You were concerned? That’s not how I have heard anyone else’s father talk when their daughters are unwell. I’ve come to accept that you are not expressive, but is it an excuse enough to stop talking to me?

You know, it hurts real bad to be in an abusive relationship. Yes, emotionally abusive. You hurl insults at me without bothering what they do to me. Have you wondered why I don’t make friends or don’t stick together? Because I let them control me. I let them bully me, just for approval. Because I am deprived of love – love which only a father could give. Why do you think, I let guys fall for me?? Because, somewhere deep down in my heart, I expect them to respect and love me, the way you should. Which father treats his daughter the way you do? Why when everyone has faith in me, you don’t? Why have I never heard you say – I am so proud of you! Why do I always see that underlying suspicion in your eyes – You wasted my money. Why, why don’t you listen to me when I say I am scared of people, of situations and my insecurities? Why don’t you believe in me, that I will get a job which will keep your nose in the society? Why is it so hard for you to bear me around you, when it’s not been even a month?

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Papa, I’ve always done what you’ve asked me to. I gave up on my dream to be a designer for something you approved of. You didn’t talk to me for three days then. Remember? I never went out to meet my friends because you didn’t like it. Because you wanted them to come to our place, every time. Friendship is reciprocating – but how will you understand? You say you cannot be my friend – I don’t ask you to be – but dad, sometimes, there are things, which I cannot discuss with Maa, like my job or career and I would need confidence to take a step. You say, I will only be planning. But do you realize you don’t let me make mistakes. You make it hell for me for a single slip up. I know I didn’t score well, but you forgot how this year had been? You forgot how I battled with college, detentions, maa’s health and house work and yet, managed to write an exam which would decide my fate? Are you not a bit happy that at least I cleared?

You say things which people say you don’t mean. I have believed that for past 24 years. That someday, someday, I will get your approval. What do you have in mind, dad? That I earn 50,000/- bucks so that you can tell everyone? But dad, are you not happy with the way I am?Dad, did you know I write? Do you know I sketch really well? Have you noticed the things I write? I remember you read my poem once without asking. You didn't notice it was for you, but you said I was dark and a loner. Ever thought why? You never fail to remind me how my friends are better looking than I am or how they are already earning. Have you not noticed the appreciation or prizes I win for sketching? Or may be, they are as useless as you say they are.

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Remember, when I had to take counseling? For emotional sustenance? My counselor said I was mature and had seen things throughout childhood and hence, it is all right to be insecure. But do you realize, how worthless I feel when you say - Oh, whatever. You don't understand what an insecurity is, do you? Ever after I told you, it made no difference. I gave you a letter, a card appreciating you – I was delusional that things between us, after 13 years, were all right. How wrong you’ve proved me! You scold me for things which I don’t do and you know that. It’s painful to be at home where you don’t feel at home at all. Mom has asked me to leave for my own good – and I hope I do that. Do you notice my lack of sleep in the nights or that I keep trying to make peace? Do you notice how much I struggle to see you smile? You say you cannot change the way you are. But are you really this way? Do you really don't like what I say or do?

You know how I wish to die every day, because I cannot bear to see you like this? How did I become so Love-Deprived Papa? Why am I not satisfied even though there are people who love me? Why do I seek to be an Adrenaline Junkie, when I could just talk to you and let out my frustration? Why am I reminded of how much you spent on me when I was born? I would have died if you wouldn't have. And if you wouldn't have, how would that make you my father? Once okay, twice I ignored and thrice? Is it really such a set back? You know I spoke to Maa and cried. She said I was strong and shouldn't cry. Now, where should I go Dad? I am "strong", "mature" I talk too much, I am arrogant, I am useless, I am fat and I am nothing that you want me to be - yet, are you not my father? Are you not someone, who is so much like me and yet, nothing like me. I yearn for a life Papa, which would be happy. 

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Ask people who know me, how sad I am - loner and desperate for attention. Why Papa? Why am I like this? And if you can't bear me, so much, why would anyone else take the pain to understand and listen to me everyday? People tell me I am wayyy too serious in life - because I didn't learn to be not serious. You never let me make a mistake. You expect me to be perfect. My teachers knew me better than you did and you - you never cared to ask why I was so timid in school. 

I hear you speak when your lips don't move, but you don't even listen to me when I speak out loud.

I don't want to say it, but I am depressed. I told you I was but you rubbished it. Your lack of confidence in me is heart breaking. You don't see how it hurts when you mention bro's stellar academic record and skill fully skip mine. I embarrass you dad, don't I? Yet, I hope that someday, someday soon - you will find a way to accept me the way I am. But you know Papa, sometimes, this hope fades away. Like now... Yet, I write this, in hope to put across what I feel.

Do you love me Papa? Do you hate me? Am I anything you wanted?

Someday, I will be.

I still love you,

The Most Imperfect Daughter

PS: I don't intend to make anyone sad through this post. If I might have, please bear with me.
PPS: I had come across emotional abuse mostly between partners and this is an attempt to understand how a child in parent-child relationship gets affected when subject to emotional abuse.