Broken Innocence

courtesy-Google

When maithz came up with this month's discussion i was dead sure i would never be able to write about it.
Abuse..be it in childhood or your teens or whenever for that matter always leaves a scar on the person's mind.
And no its not just girls who are abused..
Young boys also fall prey to it unfortunately..

Sadly I have never been able to make peace with what happened with me in my past.
But  thanks to a very emotional conversation i had with MSM recently ; i think i got the strength to write this one out.
I know it has taken a lot of time for me to finally come out with it..but i am happy i was able to pen it down.
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Childhood is a happy place for all kids.They live in a world conjured up by their innocence..where in they are ready to trust any sweet person who comes into their life.
I was no different. I lived in a family of 3..Appa, Amma and Me.
Being the only child i always used to wish for an elder brother or sister i could play with and who would take care of me.
Our neighbors were nice people.They were like our family friends.
They were also a family of 3 and they had an only Son.
He was much elder to me.
When i started interacting with them..i was probably in my 2nd standard or even younger and that guy was in doing his graduation.
I used to idolise that fellow..Since he was like this elder fellow..kinda cool..i used to find a big bro in him.

My parents used to go to work leaving me in the care of a full time  maid.
Now a small kid itching to play with someone..i used to frequent my neighbor's place pretty often after my school hours and would while away my time at their place.
The lady was a nice female..and she used to pamper me with toys and chocolates since she had no daughter.
even that son of his used to play with me..cuddling me with care.
I obviously couldn't see any hidden intentions behind all of that.
But little did i know that my inability to understand would become such a curse for me.

In the absence of his mother ; he used to initiate different  kinda games for me and him.
No points for guessing ; it would usually involve lots of touching and stuff.
Since i didn't want to let down my idol i used to play along.
Usually i would dose off in the middle and he would wake me up and ask me to go home.
It was always weird that i could never understand why it hurt so much and i would end up having a burning sensation in my sensitive areas..

That family left soon and i was back to my own world once again.
A year later they came back to visit us.
I was happy to that i was able to meet them again.
That night after dinner i insisted to my appa that i would sleep in their room.

Not sensing any problem whatsoever he let me.
I snuggled between Aunty and that Fellow and fell asleep.

I woke up some time in the middle of the night to experience the most disgusting thing ever.
My clothes were in a disarray..the bedsheet was covering my body..
and..and..its difficult to even write about it.
It was paining a lot..and i could feel it was difficult for me to even move.
He had obviously touched me when i was asleep and he was lying in a state of undress that need not be explained.

Honestly to this day..i don't know if he had raped me during the night.

That moment i lost all the innocence of being a child.
In that one moment i grew up from a tiny fun loving carefree kid to a stone hearted girl.

I could never get to tell this to my parents.
Appa ; a very strict man in front of whom i could never open my mouth.
Amma ; a silent soul who would probably shush me talking about society and stuff..not her fault though.

That guy left before i woke up in the morning.
My parents are still in touch with them.
But i don't talk to him.
I am sure he knew what he did to me was not unnoticed by me.

Years have passed to this incident.I have grown and this story now resides in one of the lost pages in the story of my life.


I have heard he has daughter..
Should i feel sorry for her..?

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I know today i have a guy who loves me and respects me for my individuality.
Who values me as a special person in his life.
Who gives me all the care and all the things a woman would hope for from her man.

But after that day..i have never felt pure..chaste.
My innocence was taken away from me..and i know i will never be able to correct this incident of my life.

I know i am not super suuuperr brave like DIGS..bold like RED..brave and strong like VINATI..
compassionate like MSM..
i am sorry if i have missed out anyone..
These people i admire..and am proud of.

But i know i have taken atleast one tiny step towards progressing in my life by writing about this.
If it wasn't for DOV i am sure i would never have been able to do it..

Thank You..
Love you all..

meoww