Sunglasses

*knock knock* "hey" is all I said
Her back was to the door but she didn't have to turn to see who it was, she knew me just too well to recognize my voice "hey" she said

"Woah, what tha...I mean..you are looking like a girl today"
She quips "I have to, its my wedding dumbo, by the way, how am i looking?"

"Not bad, too much gold, why do you think I am wearing sunglasses"

She hits my arm are walks away carrying that heavily embellished lehenga of hers "Looking dumb with those sunglasses" her voice trials away

Why am I wearing sunglasses, I think to myself?
'Pretty girl, I am wearing sunglasses to hide my feelings"
"I am sorry, I hurt you when you were readily giving me your heart"
"I am sorry, I broke your heart when you said I love you"
"I am sorry to walk away holding someone else's hand when you had tears in your eyes because of me"

I realized I love you, I always have. But, I realized it too late.

Today, I see you waving me good bye, I feel my heart tearing apart. I see you walking to a man who is adoringly looking at you, and I have knots of the size of a football in my stomach.
Have you fallen out of love for me? Or have you given up on me?"

She turns to me and smiles.

My girl, All I want to do now is to run to you a take her in my arms and tell you how much I love you
I lost the diamond in search of rocks.

Baby girl, I am wearing this glasses to hide my tears, when right now I want to hug you and weep on your lap"

Me feet feel like stones when I walk towards you "You are looking stunning honey" I mean every word girl.

I'm wearing these sunglasses because its a horrible feeling to see you go away forever.
Good bye Sweetheart!

"The hardest thing in the world is to see the one you love with they one they love"

Ex

Who exactly do you define as ex?
Someone you dated for a period, it didn't work out and you parted ways in good terms or bad terms.
The ones who were your boyfriend /girlfriend  and you guys were in a relationship and broke up and either are just friends now or not in touch at all.

But, what about those, whom you flirted with in that mini-vacation in Goa, so much so that a stranger might think you guys are an item.
What about those with whom you went out for a couple of times and then lost touch?
What about those whom you had a crazy crush on for many many years, who was your bestest friend then and you have imagined a fairytale life with them but they never reciprocated and are not friends anymore?
What about that person whom you were with, until he suddenly left you for another girl?
What about that person whom you used to totally swoon on but never had the guts to express it?

This people aren't technically ex-bfs/ex-gfs but they are ex-something?
So, are these ex-something's considered as ex's?

These somethings are sure to stir up some feeling when their names come up.

(Am sure you reading this might be having a few people in your head now)

That small pang of jealousy when they post a picture with their new partner
That little smile when they "Like" a picture of yours, you get this feeling that maybe you are still on their mind
That frustration when the first name that springs up is theirs when you are searching for someone else
That butterfly feeling when you see an old pic of you guys together in some old laptop

Its inescapable in this digital age, with Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp and mutual friends, they are bound to spring up somewhere, sometime in life.

Just because you did not date, doesn't mean you weren't intimate. Physically or Emotionally
There could have been real feelings for them, that feeling may not be "love" but it was "like-love-attraction"
You could have been imagining a future with them before it all drained away, but that feeling you had for them just cannot be discounted because it was only a month or so.
You may never see any of these people again, You may not even remember their names but they’re still exes. The intimacy was real, it just came without any sort of commitment.

A toast to those Ex-Something's

That's the way it was meant to be. Isn't it?

A toast to all those Ex's and their memories

Someone I can't have

I love her because she doesn't belong in my world

I am protective about her, for I know my deeds might kill her

She is my sunshine and that's why I keep her away from my dark alley life

Some girls are good, Some girls are bad

She comes in mixed flavors

She is the best I have ever had

My life is about cars, drugs and money

With her my life is about, flowers, smiles and love

Most of my acts instill fear in people,

It takes me more courage to love her and not lose her

Girls come, girls go

Girls warm my bed,

The condoms in my bed stand gets used

But, its her I want to keep safe

Its her I want to kiss good night

Its her, my love, whom I can never have

But, he said "I love you"

12th December 2009

I am sitting here staring at the computer screen.
An email open in front of me.

To anyone else it would look like just another email. For me it was different
It was the wedding card of the man I loved the most.
The man I have dreamt of living a life with every waking hour.
It gave a very bitter taste in my mouth to read someone elses name in the place where I have pictured mine to be.

There was a link of wedding website in the email too.
They say "curiosity kills the cat". This time it hit me real hard and I opened the site "Mayan Goya weds Ishjal Frakha" was written in big bole cursive letters
Beneath the title was the story of how they met.
I realised, the man who promised me love, promised it to someone else too.
The places, their meeting points mentioned there were the places where we held hands and promised togetherness.
The way he proposed her was they way I had described my dream proposal to him.

There was a picture of them holding hands, hugging, him kissing her forehead.

A bile rose in my stomach.
I wanted to throw up all the bottled emotions that have rotted without proper nurturing.

Its a weird feeling knowing soon he will officially be a husband. ...someone elses husband

I want to scream out loud, I want to shed every unshed tear, I want to rip off every emotion I have for him, I want him to know that he has hurt me real bad, I want him to know am breaking inside
But, I sit here silently penning down my feelings.

19th January 2014

Now, stumbling over this letter hidden in between my files makes me feel how dumb I was then
Why did I cry over someone who wasn't worth anything
Karma is a darling when she is on your side,
But, it surely doesnt make me a bitch when I get this sadistic pleasure to hear that he is going through a traumatic divorce because she was caught cheating on him.
Maybe this is what is called 'What goes around comes around"


Image Courtesy: Google Images

.....just the beginning!! (Part II)

"Is there someone else?"

She didnt reply. None of them spoke. The silence was killing her. It was peircing her throat and she couldnt breathe. His eyes were fixed on her. He knew what the answer was, but was waiting to hear it from her, thinking, she may change her mind, she may prove him wrong. He wanted to be proved wrong. He wished he was wrong and she slap him for his ugly thoughts. But she didnt. She just didnt say anything. Nothing at all. He waited. It felt like eternity. He felt like shaking her wildly so as to make her speak. The silence was suffocating him. He couldnt stand it any longer. He asked again....

"Is there someone else you've been thinking of??"

This time she did speak. 

"Yes..."  

It was a loud whisper. Loud enough for him to hear it. He wasnt shocked or sad. He felt nothing. Nothing. He felt numb. He had no feelings left. Just numb.

"Who is he?"

His voice had no emotions left now. It was just a voice. A voice stiff as steel. A lifeless voice.

"John..."

Another loud whisper. He nodded. Her eyes never left the ground. 

"Since when.....?"

"Last month. You know whenever I went to hangout with him...."

He nodded again.

"So.... I guess, now there is no reason for us to be together anymore."

"No."

This time her voice was not a whisper. It was shaky. It was as if she was trying to hold back the lump forming in her throat. Her eyes still fixed to the ground, tears streaming down her cheeks. She didnt move. The only movement in her body was the tears running through her cheeks. They were out of control now and she didnt bother to stop them. None of them made efforts to hide the pain they felt.

"I wish you all the best with him... hope you find true love with him."

She shook her head, tears still blinding her view.

"No...." She managed without breaking her voice. She continued,

"....he has a gf. They are together for 4 years now. I am not doing this to be with him...!"

"ohh.. okay..."

He was clueless now. Still, the fact that she had made up her mind to end their one year long relationship was enough for him. He knew she woudnt change her mind with pleadings or persuasions. It never worked with her. She always made her decisions, no matter how weird or clueless they were.

He concentrated at her again. She still looked the same. Beautiful, just like she had been when he first saw her. He wondered what went wrong. He knew he'll never know. He still tried thinking. He could never figure her out... and today was just the same! She was shaking now. Tears covered her face, but still she looked beautiful, pure, untouched! 

He drew a step closer and held her in his arms. She was still shaking. He wondered why was he so calm. He was breaking up with the only girl he ever loved, and still he was calm?! But then, thats how things had always been when she was around. He always managed to surprise himself when with her. She was now sobbing uncontrollably. He did not stop her, just held her in his arms. He wondered again, maybe this was the last time he was hugging her.

"I.. am.. sorrryyy......"

Her muffled voice brought him back to reality. He just held her more tightly, feeling still no pain.

"Dont you hate me??" Her eyes were bloodshot.

"No." He shook his head. Smiled at her.

"All I want to say is.... Just dont mess up your life like this! Please... "

She still saw the same love in his eyes. She cursed herself!

"I've already messed it up...! No more!"

He nodded.

"Come.. let me drop you home!"

She walked back to the car silently, her hands locked in his. She wondered what made her feel so much more closer to him than in the last one year! She couldnt figure it out. She didnt need a reason. She just felt closer to him now.

"Are you still gonna talk to me?"

He started the engine and looked at her. She got her answer. 

They had overcome the biggest barier in a relationship. They no longer needed words to express themselves. Even though they broke up officially, they were now bound by a much powerful force of the universe. They both knew it was not the end... just the beginning of a new relationship between them. A relationship which didnt need any explaination, any name, any expectations! It was something between them today that they couldnt achieve in the past one year!