You Are a Girl

"This is so unladylike"
"Wear something longer, cover your legs, is this how you sit at home"
"Learn to cook, else your in laws will say parents have taught nothing to the girl"
"Why is that neckline so deep"
"Wear a salwar kameez, we are traveling by 2AC remember"
"Let your brother go, he is a boy. You cant go its 10pm already"
"She is in one of "those" days"

Are these phrases familiar?
I am a woman, I have breasts, I have a vagina. But,  that doesn't make me any less human. Does it?
Yes, I wear a bra. Doesn't mean that I expect you to judge my size.
I go through PMS, mood swings, cramps, cravings, periods every month. That doesn't make me any unpure than I was a few days back.

I get stared upon, I get whistles, I get comments, I get groped from men of varied age group.
Doesn't matter what outfit I'm in. Doesn't matter what time of the day it is. I'm like a public property.
If I wear or act like myself, and "Myself" may differ from the conceptions of different people, then I'm bound to get teased and raped. I asked for it. Just because I don't fit the bill of a "normal girl" its OK for me to be leered at.
I am a girl, I can't party alone. I have to have a male company. And not just any male company, it has to be my brother, father or husband.
I'm a characterless slut if I go out dancing with my guy friends.

A guy proposes me, I reject him. I invite him to throw acid on my and ruin my life.
I propose a guy, I an easy girl.
I stay in a urban city, travel places alone, well, according to the people staying in not-so-urban cities I must be sleeping and making out with everyone and not the "marriage material".

I get promoted. I am sleeping with my boss. I have no talent of my own, I have no achievements in my career. My only achievement is I have a vagina.
My would-be husband may have had a gazellion girlfriends, and might have visited Bangkok many times. But, if I have fallen in love when I was younger. I was a bad girl and not worthy to carry a heir of another family in my womb.

I get married. My parents have tried their best to give me everything. They provided me the best education and values. But, I couldn't give my in-laws money. I have the right to be thrown out or burnt alive.
I have a baby. I have a cute little girl. But, I should have had a son. Its only my fault that I don't have a son. Its not my husband's fault. I and my daughter deserve no home.

I lose my husband. I am coping up with his death. I deserve to be treated as a dead human too. No good dresses, no colors, no good food, no attending any functions. Yes, I have to be treated as a corpse, because I am a woman.

Why is this world like this?
Why cant a woman celebrate individuality?
Why are we women all about tits and ass only?
Why are we treated as objects?

All these talks about women's liberation, is in the end of the day just talks.
Even good educated families put their restrictions on women, to look good in the society.
From her attire to her lifestyle, nothing is her choice. Its just the society's norm.
If she tries to take  a different route, either she is tagged with some vulgar name, raped, or killed.

I hope, my daughter or my grand daughter or my great grand daughter would live in a world where she lives like herself.

To Losing It With Pride

Kudos to Maithili for coming up with a topic that is amazingly relevant to every single Darling we have here. This is something that we have all thought about, have opinions on and even contemplated upon some time or the other, I'm sure.

Growing up in a country where sex is taboo and relegated to a dark nooks of decisions, I, the eternal liver of Utopia and believer of all things perfect, am forced to become a realist. Virginity is still pseudo-sacrosanct and I don't see anything changing that for at least another decade (by which time most of us won't have to worry about virginity and related issues at all).

I say 'pseudo' for all the reasons that the girls have already covered.
That though it's taboo, elders always want to know what happened on the first night.
That guys always want their girlfriends to prove their trust in them by giving them their virginity.
That guys will go ahead and label a girl and judge her based on the state of her hymen; the fact that she loved the guy and he cheated her notwithstanding.
That it was and is never asked if the groom is a virgin, only if the bride is.
That even a girl who talks about sex boldly, discusses her life (not in sordid detail but using it to illustrate a point) and is generally outspoken is put down because they call her 'an easy lay'.

The first thing that comes under scrutiny when it comes to a girl's character is her virginity. I have heard guy friends call a girl a whore because she's gone out with more than two guys. Not at once, mind you but over a period of a year. And the way the say it, makes you cringe. And I find myself wondering if she's actually a virgin and becoming judgmental before I catch myself and blame my conditioning. Empathizing with the rest of women kind does not come easily to us, we are a wee bit hypocritical that way.

And questioning a girl's virginity remains the worst way for elders to hurt her.

Coming to the three factors:

Choice: No way, man. Though I'm all for losing my virginity to a guy I love and trust and will marry someday, we all know it doesn't work that way. Personally, I'd do it in the bat of an eyelid if I think it's the right thing to do, I have never had a problem acknowledging my hormones. And if I think it's right, I wouldn't be ashamed of telling my mother either. But it doesn't work that way does it. I couldn't acknowledge it in front of everyone  and be proud of it, can I?
My virginity is not at all my own choice. I have friends, family and the rest of the world to answer to. At least us Indians do.

Lack of opportunity: That is the biggest bull ever. Dime a dozen motels and no shame. Working parents and apartment buildings. Even beaches and public monuments. All at our mercy, if we are shameless bold. There are options dime a dozen. I have seen a woman give her husband(?) a frikkin' BJ on the beach. In Chennai of all places.
So if you want to do it, the place, the time automatically become nitpicky details which work themselves out.

Fear of outcome: This, my dears, is what keep us from losing it. Pun unintended.
Of what our bff is going to think of us. Or what our guy-friends will say if they ever find out. What if the guy himself loses interest. What if his parents ever find out and think lowly of me. What if my parents ever find out. What if I get pregnant. What if...
It's an endless cycle of questions which more often than not varies considerably with each individual and yet are essentially the same world-over.
We are unable to let others judge us and not care. We are unable to not give a damn and follow our hearts, if that's what it takes.

At the end of the day, Darlings, losing our virginity depends on our mind set. We might choose to wait till we're married (that's not prudish, it's just sweet) and we might decide to lose it to that guy who's our soul mate because it doesn't make sense and it's just the logical step (that not whory, it's just love). But whichever path we choose to take, it should be one that's from the heart AND the head, one that you'd be proud of later, one that you're ready to accept the consequences of.

And mostly, one that you will be able to tell your daughter about in 20 years time without shame.

The 'it' factor

I haven't yet met a girl who doesn't consider losing her virginity as a very special/important/emotional/sentimental moment of her life. As it is, girls tend to be emotional in matters concerning love. So when it comes to something as huge as loosing your virginity, without a doubt there are a lot of sentiments attached to it. 

Someone once observed that female virgins are more often virgins 'by choice' whereas male virgins are virgins through 'lack of choice' (well that's what they say anyway!). In most cases that 'choice' is made because of the fear of outcome. Fear of what if I get pregnant? What if he leaves me later? What if he starts wanting me just for sex? What if? What if? What if? Naturally this leaves you with no other choice but to NOT do it. Generally I am the type of person who says 'When you are in doubt, just do it and get it over with and you'll know the answer one way or the other'. BUT not in this case. If you have even an iota of doubt in your mind, don't do it. Simple as that.

The final decision of wanting to be physically intimate in a relationship should always lie with the girl. Because she has a lot more to lose than gain. Call it our society's backward thinking or the innate sensitive nature of a girl - but there is no point denying that consequences(if any) need to dealt by women more often than men. I've also seen cases where its not 'fear of outcome', but 'peer pressure' that makes people make 'the choice'. Some of you may disagree with this as it seems quite unlikely. Every author on this blog is a strong, opinionated woman who has a mind of her own and knows how to use it. So this concept of 'peer pressure' might be difficult to relate to, but trust me I have seen it happen. 

At the heart of it, everybody will agree that losing your virginity is a matter of personal choice. But what most people fail to realize is that this choice is almost always influenced by one or all of the factors mentioned above. And since virginity has been a tabooed subject for so long, and the point that "sex before marriage" is wrong has been drilled and embedded into our minds since ages, its hard to NOT get influenced by all these when you are trying to make your personal choice. We live in a society where even falling in love is considered wrong, so sex is definitely a criminal offense. But right after marriage both love and sex are glorified to such an extent that you are left wondering is there an on-off switch for this? Before marriage - love is wrong, sex is wrong. After marriage - flip the switch on and now everything is right.

Just for a second, forget that this was drilled into your mind. What would you choose? Would you go ahead with what your body and mind crave? 

As long as you know that you won't regret it, as long as its something that both of you are comfortable with, as long as its something that works for both of you - I don't see why anything else should come in between. 


p.s - After reading the previous three posts that have already been posted about this discussion, I came to the conclusion that all of us have the same views (more or less!) So I tried to keep mine short to avoid unnecessary repetition of points!

The virgin post

“So you’re a virgin?” I’ve been asked this so many times, I’ve lost count. And I say, “Umm.. my zodiac is Virgo, ya.”

Turns out they were asking about my sun sign when I told them my DOB, rather than about THE V. Some guys do it deliberately, to see whether I get embarrassed, but the shameless that I am, I smile saccharine-sweetly and reply “Like I’ll tell you.”

Anyways, moving on.

You know when that whole Oh-the-world-is-going-to-end-in-2012-hallelujah!” brouhaha was going on, the first thought that came to my mind was “Damn! I don’t wanna die a virgin! I have to do something about this!!” And I said it out loud. Not just in my head. As expected, I was met with a lot of weird glances because a)everyone else was worried about the world ending, and here I was, worried about dying a virgin( they just didn’t get it), and b)I was not married. And isn’t it a sin for an unmarried girl to even think about sex?

Why is it made out to be such a sin if a girl loses her virginity before she gets married, especially considering the fact that after a married couple’s first night, EVERYONE wants to talk about it? Your mother-in-law, your sister-in-law, your cousin-in-law, your neighbour-in-law- everyone wants to know whether ‘IT’ happened the previous night. Some cultures even demand that the blood-stained bed-sheet be paraded for proof. (True story. Not trying to gross you out.)

So while Indians claim to be conservative about sex, they also make it their business to know what is going on in others’ personal lives. And if they find out that an unmarried girl is not a virgin, then they’ll judge her for sure. They picture sex as ‘wrong’, but themselves go ahead and make babies enough to start a football team.

I think on one hand, why a girl is hesitant to take the plunge before marriage is fear. Fear of what the guy will think of her. “Will he think I’m a slut? Will he lose respect for me? Will he break up with me just because I slept with him before even talking about a future together? What if he doesn’t marry me? What if I get pregnant? What will my husband say when he finds out I’m not a virgin?” Fear of pain. “My best friend’s sister’s friend’s aunt’s grandmother said that the first time hurts a lot.” Fear of being judged/punished. “My friend’s parents found contraceptive pills in her bag and now she’s under house arrest.”

By this time, not only would the girl have changed her mind, she would also have developed a life-long revulsion towards sex.

Do you know what I really feel? Virginity, just like religion, caste, creed, is an unnecessary label, made up by narrow-minded individuals who probably thought up of this theory when they were about to die, without having had any action in their life. And not to forget, sexist. Why else would there be a ‘test’ to know whether a girl is a virgin or not, but no such thing for a guy? How is that fair?

There is nothing wrong in feeling more than just love towards the guy you love (applies to guys too). Hormones were given to you for a reason. To feel them. So if you feel them, but just shut it all up inside for the fear of society, then you’ll just end up getting frustrated. Isn’t ‘sexually aroused’ a much better feeling that ‘frustrated’? Some people express their love through words, some physically. If it works for both the guy and girl, then what’s the issue? Love is not the only emotion you are conditioned to feel.

But hey, at the end of the day, it’s every girl’s personal choice. Remember that. Just like you can’t force your body to get its first period, you cannot force your body to have sex unless your mind is not ready for it. If it feels right, do it. You can put at least that much of trust in your own judgment, can’t you? But remember, there is a thin line between being modern and promiscuous. As long as you know what you’re doing, you don’t need to listen to anyone else.

As for the debate ‘Virginity is directly proportional to marriage’, that has been going on since my great-grandmother’s time, and will go on till the time your children have great-grandchildren. You live your life the way you want to. Personally, I would much rather ‘lose’ my virginity to a guy I love before marriage than to the complete stranger I got married to. Because it’s not just an animal act.

And for those of you who are wondering whether I’m still a virgin or not, yes, my zodiac is still Virgo. ;)

P.S:- Apologies for the long, meandering, lost-its-track-somewhere-in-between post. Only when I started writing did I realize that I have too many opinions on this topic. So many, that I couldn’t channel it. Extremely sorry for the rambling. And also apologies if any of my views have offended you. That wasn’t my intention at all.

ETA: I read Maithili's post about this topic and what she's written about the fear factor after I published my post. Sorry, Maithili! Agree with each and every point you've written.

Speaking for all the virgins in the world

Disclaimer: All the thoughts and ideas I am going to present here are solely my opinions and I apologise beforehand if it hurts anyone's sentiments.

Let me come straight to the point. I feel that choice should always be the reason for virginity, but instead fear of outcome is stealing the place. Now, that I have told you what I opine, I will explain.

Be it arranged marriages or love marriages, there is always the difference of opinions between the guy and the girl on this topic. Guys seem to get onto the physical relationship bus pretty easily while the girl struggles between her strongly-formed opinions and the desire to succumb to the earthly pleasure or even at times, just to prove her love for her guy. What I feel is the reason for this goes way long back. Eons and eons ago, women were treated more powerful and superior than men, knowing that the creator gave her special powers that was denied to men, which is true in a certain sense. But then, as time progressed, due to the a lot of factors as irrationality of men and delicate nature of women, the sides were reversed and women found themselves controlled and dictated by men. And it took a while to come to where we are now. I am still in doubt if people have come to terms with the fact the men and women were created together to co-exist and not to ride over the other. (Sorry, for the pun)

The point now is, women have been conditioned mentally, for a long while, that physical pleasure is something that you have to indulge in, only after marriage. This conditioning forms a major influence when it comes to the decision of a girl, whether or not to lose herself for the first time. This conditioning of the women's mind makes her thinking biased towards the fear of what the outcomes of her decision are gonna be. I do not blame women fearing the outcome. After all, it is true that she is being the sole sufferer, while the guy has the option to shrug it off and the probability of the society blaming only the girl is almost 100% (except the cases where the guy truly loves the girl back and decides to shoulder equal blame, which, of course is rare).

Another point to be noticed is that most guys, give in just for the sake of pleasure they get out of coitus. However, women associate many more factors to their virginity. The first time, a girl wants it to be perfect, memorable and with "The guy" she decided that she can lose herself to.It is just not the pleasure of the moment to her, but it is a combination of love, trust, care, support, belief and what not for her. So, if a girl chooses to be a proud virgin until she finds her man, there is nothing to scorn about, neither when the girl decides her man and confidently loses herself by choice. It is her life and her choice, after all. Also, when she finds her man, even then they can choose to wait until after marriage if that is their choice.

I do not think lack of opportunity as an option, except when you count not finding "The guy" as a lack of opportunity.

So, to all the ladies out there, please choose your life, in all aspects. If you want to wait, make your point to your guy that it is your choice and you choose it so. Do not live your life on someone else's choice. If you do that, you will lose the meaning of your life.

Until later,
Keirthana :)


P.S: This is my first ever serious post. I have never expressed my opinions strongly on such controversial topics, even in my blog. So, I apologize if anyone feels I have gone overboard at any point.

P.P.S: People, it is my opinion that there is nothing to feel shy about discussing on strong topics, because expressing our views is our birthright. Just make sure that you do it and that you do it right.

All that revolves around the V!

Prescript: All the ideas and thoughts mentioned here are strictly my individual opinions. I apologize before hand if any sentiments here are hurt for it is unintentional. All images used are from google. 

        The V in question here is the much talked and hyped about - Virginity. Of the many events that are truly life defining for a women, losing virginity is one of the most tabooed and discussed one. Before I venture into the topic of discussion let me just say it aloud for the underage readers of this blog yes there are many and simply putting the topic out of reach for them is useless that sex with an individual below 18 is legally called rape even if the concerned minor has consented to the coitus. 

        At the heart of it, virginity is a matter of choice. What drives this choice? No it has nothing to do with moral or sanskaars of a bhartiya naari. The libido and the desire to be loved is same in both genders. But the restraints of exploring this sensuality rests only on the fairer gender. Don't tell me that morals or upbringing makes the woman choose virginity because that is not the same when it comes to some fondling and petting that is the other forms of expressing love physically. It could be a choice of self control when the girl is still not sure about her relation. 

        Here I would say, if you don't feel comfortable with the idea of losing your V but love your partner a lot then DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT fall into the trap of , "Don't you love me?" or "Don't you trust me?" asked by him and jump on to the bed to prove that you do! 

        Then there is another story, when both partners decide to stay away till marriage (ironically the marriage only a few months away) and show this amazing sanskaar of theirs.

       

 Lack of opportunity?? Now no kidding here, in times when virginity is put on auction and can fetch you whatever sum of amount you want, lack of opportunity still can happen to a woman! However liberal a woman may be, she wants her first time to be memorable and with someone who loves her. No love, no chance! 

    

Women take the term "making love" seriously. I don't think inspite of all the freedom talks, women really want to lose it just for the sake of  "experience". There may be a few but they are hardly any numbers to go by except in Chetan Bhagat books. Women may be open to physical intimacies before marriage but remember that we are in India.

   India,  country where still in certain parts, marriage between a man and woman is consummated on white sheets and that sheet shown to the entire community the next day embarassing and shaming the bride. If that membrane of hers betrays her then she is an outcaste from the household and community. 

   A country where a male child is proudly named Arjun after the great warrior never mind how many marriages he and his brothers cumulatively had but no one dare name their daughter Draupadi! 

  Here a man is known for his merits and a woman judged by the presence or absence of a membrane called hymen. 

  By now it is quite clear what makes the choice for the women, yes -- fear of the outcome. 

  

By outcome I do not mean just  that bundle of joy who would be disowned in a garbage bin or better aborted!

Its 21st century and we are all well aware and educated never mind those blushing aunties who came to teach us life science and ended up with some bee business about the precautions and protections to be taken. 

If not precaution we know the miraculous pills that can correct our errors.

The fear here is of losing the respect.. Yes I m just echoing out aloud what most of us think..

Fear of losing the interest of the guy for whom the chase is over. Fear of those scandals and those cameras which could pay anything to get a peek at our most personal moments.  Fear of the guy.. What if he turns out the wrong one and you want to move on? What if he wags his tongue against the girl who leaves him? What if it was just a game for him? 

If the guy is perfect, then fear of doubt.. What if he thinks , if she could do with me she's really easy.. she could do it with anyone.. Yes this is real! very real! Still need proof?? Go watch Dev D! 

I once again stress that it is FEAR and by that I do not mean that all guys think the same about women who trust them enough to take this step. 

Then there is always the looming fear of getting caught and the shame that will fall upon the girl never mind the guy, he was getting some experience while the girl was the slut.

Sometimes a physical relation does add complexities.. I heard this somewhere from someone I know " Getting sexually active, is like giving the tiger its first taste of human flesh, it wont stop". The fear of that quotient changing is always there. 

But above everything else, a girl wants her first time to be secure and memorable.. Isn't it kind of funny how if a girl has had that experience before marriage society treats it so different than the much filmy suhaagraat! 

Like many things that we sacrifice all our life, so is this choice .. the fear of breaking the constraints.. 

It is hypocritic how majority women scorn upon sex with a stranger and yet majority of the women believe in arranged marriages! 

At the end of my post, I would still say that, "Your body, your choice." No one has the right to judge you for your boldness to accept the needs of your body. Neither does anyone has the right to laugh on you for your CHOICE of not getting into bed for the heck of it ! 

P.S : I m actually surprised why the outspoken and expressive girls have not yet come with a post for the discussion. I thought I would be the last due to all the exam thing and schedule! Once again I would say the option of posting anonymously is open darlings.. Only me and 2 admins would know who wrote and we would not disclose it here. I sense that there is hesitation to write on this topic. Please feel free to choose the anonymity! No judging on that!